I feel Helpless advice greatly appreciated!

[starshine23]

As I mentioned before, My Ndad is dying of cancer and he has made zero effort to see me or the kids in months.  I have asked him to make time to see me and the kids, and he literally makes excuses the day before every single week for the last month.  My stepmother texted me recently to tell me they are selling one of their houses.  A house they promised me and then reneged over and over.  I assume it's to help pay his medical bills.  I don't know.  It hurt me though as I always secretly hoped my father would leave it to me.  If they need to sell it that's fine, I understand.  It still makes me sad though as I love that house.

The other day my son was sad because he hasn't seen grandpa in so long.  He told me it makes him feel so happy when he goes to Grandpa's house.  This breaks my heart, as we are never invited over.  I reached out today in hopes of seeing them but was told today was not a good day because they are meeting with the realtor.  It's never a good day.  we are never a priority

Now I am kicking myself for allowing these people into my children's lives.  I was no contact with them for 5 years before my children were born.  I gave them another chance and they have done nothing but abuse me emotionally ever since.  Now my children long for their grandpa like I always longed for my father.  He does not care.  He never did.

My dad is dying.  My children love him.  He will not make plans to see us.  I don't know what the best thing to do is.  Anything I try, I lose.  I'm at a loss.  I don't know what the best thing is to do for myself and my children. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I don't know how to be a good daughter a good mother and true to myself all at the same time. 

I am tangled up in knots.

[Sojourner17]

starshine23,  I really have no advice for you but just wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling tangled in knots and are having such a hard time.  It's sad and hard when a parent acts in such ways towards their child and grandchildren. 

I hope that in some way you can navigate through this difficult time while simultaneously doing the same for your children.

[pianissimo]

It looks like you are doing your best. I would suggest taking care of yourself and your pain first.

My personal experience is that, with PDed people, the abuse cycle is always on. I tend to forget their disorder when I interact with them. So, I personally end up getting hurt when the abuse cycle completes a circle. Your post makes me think that, perhaps, you had this expectation they would be decent, and you got hurt that they weren't, and you probably cannot voice any of your feelings around what's happening because of your father's situation. Perhaps, you also got love-bombed in some way, and forgot they are who they are.

Plus, for me, when I interact with people, I have this built-in trust that my feelings will be taken care of. Normal people do that, but PDed people don't. They have a tendency to neglect and abuse your feelings. It's hard to predict this abuse, because, we can't always know when we need support. So, it's not wise to be around PDed people especially when you aren't feeling well. In your situation, you are going through a form of loss among people who neglect you. So, I think it might be double hard for you to pull yourself out of that unhealthy dynamic.

The emotional boundary in these kinds of situations is to do whatever you do for your own sake. From what you describe, it sounds like your father isn't capable of showing love in the way you need, and his terminal illness hasn't changed that. A lot of people choose to withdraw from the lives of these kinds of people because it becomes too painful to be around them. Some sustain the relationship by finding ways to manage this pain. I think that the pain is a constant. It's legit to say "That's too much for me, I can't do this anymore", and withdraw, it's also legit to say "Well, this hurts, but I still want to make myself available if they need anything". Though, I think it's hard to do the latter. You would need a good support system that would back you up.

I guess, my point is, you are going through a difficult time complicated with a personality disorder, and your father and FOO, they don't seem to be able to support you, and, on the contrary, they sound emotionally abusive. You need love and support. I guess you would need to find that love and support in yourself first. I hope you can find ways to take a break from whatever going on, so that you can deal with it with more strength.