Feeling Lost Again .. but still trying

[feelinglostagain]

Hi all -

I've seen this forum for years, but this is the first time I'm taking steps to engage. I feel like I've hit a point where no amount of denial, avoidance (work addiction), or resentment will make the situation better for me.

I currently live with my BPDso. She also suffers from CPTSD from a lot of childhood abuse from her uPD parents. She has been given a diagnosis and has explored some DBT work, but is generally resistant to any kind of talk therapy. She is open to breathwork therapy, but procrastinates on moving forward with it. Her parents used therapy as 'punishment' when she was younger and she generally doesn't want face the deep shame she has for how she feels/acts/thinks with BPD.

Early in our relationship - she was fresh out of a long term relationship with an emotionally/physically/sexually abusive husband (whom she cheated on and who cheated on her). She started feeling safe with me. And when we started to develop emotional and physical intimacy, she started to have memories of being raped as a teen. This led to a lot of flashbacks, and angry/scared outbursts. Often with breakup threats, self-harm/suicide threats, physical and emotional abuse, and destruction of my property.

At the time, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to support her. I reacted defensively to her blaming me (I still struggle with that). I tried to control the situation by lashing out right back. I called emergency services a few times which ended up being traumatic (for both of us, but especially her). She spend some time in inpatient recovery (initally against her will, but eventually she sought it out when she recognized that she was too escalated and feeling unable to self-soothe).

Often during her episodes, I would react with my own deep sense of shame and I would hurt myself (as cutting was my go-to as a teen). I was fresh out of a divorce, where my ex wife openly cheated on me because I grew despondent after a sexual incident that left me feeling broken and worthless and that I didn't know how to talk about. I also cheated on her in retaliation and our marriage ended with me feeling a deep sense of shame and guilt for being a 'bad husband/cheater'. Many fights and disagreements with my current BPDso directly trigger feelings of worthlessness and shame for being a bad boyfriend/husband. It also triggers original wounds from parents who are also highly reactive and emotional, and who pressured me to be emotionally supportive of them rather than them supporting me as a child.

Currently - I've done a lot of talk therapy (since I was 16, and am in my 40s now). I deal with depression and anxiety/hyper-vigilence.  I've learned a lot about BPD and living with BPD. And I've gone to Al Anon to help deal with my BPDso's drinking (and realized that my parents also had alcohol issues). I am currently trying to work on breath work practices to address trauma, specifically associated with abuse from my BPDso.

While she has gotten a better handle on her outbursts and physically abusive reactions, they still happen infrequently - and I tend to freeze (rather than fight/fly). More frequently she picks fights or criticizes how unsupportive i am of her - and that leaves me feeling triggered, and reactive. That then leads to her feeling triggered/abandoned/invalidated and she responds with verbal abuse, accusations and less frequently threats of harm to herself and me. We have gotten better about disengaging before things escalate to physical outbursts. Occasionally I can get grounded enough to handle the situation reasonably, but for a while now, I've felt increasingly angry and resentful as I start to delve into healing for trauma. Throughout our 11 year relationship though - I feel like I have to stuff my anger/fear and my need/desire to feel understood and supported by her.

During the pandemic, I became isolated from friends (physically and virtually). stopped attending Al Anon and group breathwork activities. I have stopped exercising and socializing. And my only lifeline has been a weekly therapy session, where I am on the precipice of wanting to heal trauma wounds, but struggle to take the next step of actually talking about past abuse. I became very work addicted to avoid stuff, fell into denial about my BPDso's drinking and about her BPD.. I only recently 'remembered' that she had BPD, and have started seeking resources/support for my experience with that..

So - that is why I am here. I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.. and any of my friends who I would trust to talk to about this stuff - I feel ashamed for ghosting them during the pandemic.. Even though I believe they wouldn't be angry at me, and they know that I struggle with depression/isolation.. I also feel like me talking to them about this stuff would be a burden to them.

Anyway - that's my story in a nutshell. I look forward to engaging here and hopefully finding support (not only as someone reading other people's discussions, but engaging in discussions myself).. I'm optimistic, but afraid that I will isolate, or things will feel too real again and I will fall back into denial/avoidance. But this is a step forward for me.. even if I only take one step.

Thank you for reading this..

PS.. wow.. After re-reading this.. I feel like I sound like a total mess. I have a bunch of good things in my life and successes (which I also avoid addressing).. but I am posting this anyway - because I am sick of avoiding all this 'bad stuff' and thinking that it will just get better if I don't talk about it..

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

It takes courage to look at our lives the way you have and to share about it here. I applaud you for joining us.

I have been here for a while and would like to extend a welcome to you.

Healing from our past hurts, managing our emotional needs in the present and being in relationship with someone else who is also on their own healing journey is what I call deep work. Work you've been engaged in for a long time. It's a lot.

I hope the toolbox here is helpful too and can remind you of things you've already learned that may be helpful again to revisit in the present with new eyes.

Your post shows you have awareness of the shame piece- which I had to learn was a big piece of the puzzle with PTSD. Although we wish shame based stuff inside us could be resolved more quickly, I have found that the shame based stuff takes time...like allowing a flower to grow on its own time (or a tree, hence my screen name)!

Regulating is a big piece too. Has your SO ever checked out crappy childhood fairy on YouTube? I've found her stuff really helpful for childhood PTSD.

I can relate to the relationship to work you describe. When I am focused on work , my nervous system is regulated. This is a break for my "stressed out self." People without awareness of trauma may think this is backwards. They might think it odd that we feel more regulated when we can immerse ourselves in work. But that's been a big part of my recovery is to accept that for me, work regulates my nervous system....yes I wish it was visits with family or friends that regulated me but no, it's work.

So try not to beat yourself up for the ways you've found to cope each year. Everything you did to manage your stress got you here today.

I'm also not one who has friends who understand my stress and past experiences. It can be hard to know what to tell people when we know they won't really get it. BPD and PTSD are not well understood by a lot of folks.

Self care is hugely important as you know already, and a topic I love exploring with others here in the 'working on us' and 'future goals' areas. Hope to see you there too!

Trees

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome! Thank you for sharing with us a bit of what brings you here. I am thankful you have officially joined the community and my hope is the resources and conversations here will be a great encouragement as you find your way forward again.

So often, in my own healing journey I see myself going 'round the mountain' as I cycle through what can easily seem like the same old stuff again and again. But... when I look more closely each time I go 'round I am getting higher and higher and it takes less time to find my way back to good solid ground. I have come to believe that a straight path up that mountain to the glory land of complete healing would be too steep. I couldn't sustain the climb. But, the trips around are getting less frequent and far shorter. And that is progress!

That 'deep work', as notrightinthehead describes it, is at times isolating and lonely. It is very few in my own life that I would ever be able to really share and unpack or process the difficulties I have faced and continue to face with. And that is okay. That is, in part, why communities like this are so important. When we see such similar experiences and patterns described by people from all over the world, from different cultures, learning and growing together, facing truly hard stuff, it is helpful in a way that nothing else has ever been for me. My hope is that your time here will be of great benefit to you as well.

[feelinglostagain]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome - and for sharing some of the insights you've gained along the way.

So often, in my own healing journey I see myself going 'round the mountain' as I cycle through what can easily seem like the same old stuff again and again. But... when I look more closely each time I go 'round I am getting higher and higher and it takes less time to find my way back to good solid ground. I have come to believe that a straight path up that mountain to the glory land of complete healing would be too steep. I couldn't sustain the climb. But, the trips around are getting less frequent and far shorter. And that is progress!

Hi Bloomie -
This is an extremely valuable way of looking at this. I appreciate the insight about cycling around the mountain rather than going straight up. That resonates with my experience so far. At the moment, I feel like I'm doubling back on a bunch of switchbacks. So - I guess that even though the view looks the same, I am still going up. So thank you for this.

My one encouragement to you would be—reach out to those friends. I understand your misgivings, but if they are true friends they will understand. If I had a friend who ghosted me during the pandemic, but explained what you wrote here, I would be glad to re-start a friendship with them. I know rejection can be scary, but the right friends should be understanding. It would not be a burden. A true friend shares in each other's burdens.

Hi user -
Thanks for this encouragement. I have been through a lot with one of my best friends of 25 years. She has always been there for me (without judgement) and I have been there for her through many of our individual relationship struggles. I haven't really spoken to her in almost 3 years.. But in times when we've both fallen off the radar - it's been comforting that we've been able to find each other again. So - I'm going to commit to reaching out to her this week and to setting up a time to get together.

Healing from our past hurts, managing our emotional needs in the present and being in relationship with someone else who is also on their own healing journey is what I call deep work. Work you've been engaged in for a long time. It's a lot.

I hope the toolbox here is helpful too and can remind you of things you've already learned that may be helpful again to revisit in the present with new eyes.

Your post shows you have awareness of the shame piece- which I had to learn was a big piece of the puzzle with PTSD. Although we wish shame based stuff inside us could be resolved more quickly, I have found that the shame based stuff takes time...like allowing a flower to grow on its own time (or a tree, hence my screen name)!

Regulating is a big piece too. Has your SO ever checked out crappy childhood fairy on YouTube? I've found her stuff really helpful for childhood PTSD.

I can relate to the relationship to work you describe. When I am focused on work , my nervous system is regulated. This is a break for my "stressed out self." People without awareness of trauma may think this is backwards. They might think it odd that we feel more regulated when we can immerse ourselves in work. But that's been a big part of my recovery is to accept that for me, work regulates my nervous system....yes I wish it was visits with family or friends that regulated me but no, it's work.

So try not to beat yourself up for the ways you've found to cope each year. Everything you did to manage your stress got you here today.

I'm also not one who has friends who understand my stress and past experiences. It can be hard to know what to tell people when we know they won't really get it. BPD and PTSD are not well understood by a lot of folks.

Self care is hugely important as you know already, and a topic I love exploring with others here in the 'working on us' and 'future goals' areas. Hope to see you there too!

Hi Trees -
Thank you so much for all of this. Thank you for validating the 'deep work' as you call it. Sometime I just feel like I'm stuck in a bad situation and too fearful and ashamed to get out. Also - I know that the time I've spent healing outside of a relationship have allowed me to ignore the biggest challenges that I have with being in relationships (intimate or otherwise). So - today, it really helps to get feedback that I'm not just wasting my time and being a waste of a person - which is how I've felt very often lately.

Also - thank you for expressing and validating work as a means of regulating. I recognize that there are times when I get TOO focused on work and ignore everything else (especially self care). And those are times when work gets in the way. I also recognize - like yesterday - work would have been good for me. I'll post the details in a different thread (when I figure out where), but my SO and I had a disagreement and a child part took over and started name calling and threatening self harm. I spent all day yesterday in freeze mode. I continued listening to 'Stop walking on Eggshells' (again) and posted here, but otherwise I couldn't break out of the freeze, spent the day clenched up until I finally did 'something' - which was go to the store to get cigarettes (which I've recently quit - again). On the one hand, smoking has been a daily coping tool for the past 10 years. And despite all the guilt/shame for falling off the wagon, I still have to acknowledge that when I'm in that state of fear/freeze, that helps me get out of it. I was able to take action toward making the situation better for myself.

Working on projects also helps me regulate, if I'm not in a fear/freeze state. I wake up almost every morning angry and afraid that 'things will never change'. And going to my job, or finding projects to busy my mind helps me let go of the dialogs in my head. Anwyay - just typing this out now is helping me recognize that I've been labeling 'work/projects' and 'cigarettes' as 'bad things to avoid' .. when in reality they have been and can be effecting coping mechanisms. I want to get back into better coping mechanisms.. but right now - that is what I have and It does me no good to just sit around suffering because I don't want to do 'bad things'.

--

And thank you - I did look at the toolbox.. And it did help to look at some of those things with new eyes. One of the tools I read was able to help me yesterday in engaging my SO and take responsibility for my part in the conflict.

I took a look at Crappy Childhood Fairy. So far, I like what I've watched. I wish I could recommend stuff to my SO. I think I've been 'too helpful' to the point of being controlling. So at some point, I may be able to bring it up.. But in the meantime - I think watching it will help me to understand some of the stuff she's struggling with, but also guide me in some of my own healing. So thank you for this.

--
..anyway - thank you all for the very warm welcomes and insights. I'm glad this community exists. Already I feel like it's helping. I hope I'm able to stick with it.. and not become too complacent and 'forget' to engage.

[bee well]

Hello! I just wanted to say hello and welcome.

I also applaud you for coming in here, putting your thoughts out there and opening up to us with your story. As Trees said, that takes a lot of courage.

I'm relatively new here, but I wanted to emphasize on how important it is that you, with what you are going through,  have a place where you can talk, someone you can talk to, in whatever time or place you determine that will be, even if here is the only place for now.

I took a long time reading here before I decided to come in and the decision has really helped in my healing. That is. knowing there is a place where I can show up and be seen, even when I am not feeling bright and shiny. (And also knowing that showing up bright and shiny, anywhere, is not an obligation!)  Many times I came here feeling sad, or angry, or whatever, and had healing conversations way deeper than some I have had "on the outside."

I am also one of those who doesn't have friends in my life at the moment who get it. (DH does to a great extent but we haven't the same trauma experiences...). I think reaching out to your old friends could be a good occasion to see where you stand and if the friendships don't rekindle, to process it on a different level. I'm not sure if you are ready to do that, and don't know all the circumstances. I would think you might be working through some ambivalence about that, to know if you are prepared for the different responses you might receive if you decide to re-establish contact with your old friends. Are you ready for that? That's a  decision only you can make.

Since I started recovering I have parted ways with a lot of friends, some because I realized they weren't good friends for me after all, others because in recovery I changed to the point where those friends, while "nice" people, were not compatible with me or the values which are emerging in the healing process. Some of those people I never got a chance to say a proper goodbye to. I think a lot of us in here have probably had similar experiences.

I don't have to much else to add to the wise words of the other posters. But again, welcome. I hope you will keep posting. You'll find a lot of good company here.

[feelinglostagain]

I am also one of those who doesn't have friends in my life at the moment who get it. (DH does to a great extent but we haven't the same trauma experiences...). I think reaching out to your old friends could be a good occasion to see where you stand and if the friendships don't rekindle, to process it on a different level. I'm not sure if you are ready to do that, and don't know all the circumstances. I would think you might be working through some ambivalence about that, to know if you are prepared for the different responses you might receive if you decide to re-establish contact with your old friends. Are you ready for that? That's a  decision only you can make.

Since I started recovering I have parted ways with a lot of friends, some because I realized they weren't good friends for me after all, others because in recovery I changed to the point where those friends, while "nice" people, were not compatible with me or the values which are emerging in the healing process. Some of those people I never got a chance to say a proper goodbye to. I think a lot of us in here have probably had similar experiences.

I don't have to much else to add to the wise words of the other posters. But again, welcome. I hope you will keep posting. You'll find a lot of good company here.

Hi Bee Well

Thank you for the warm welcome. I hope I'm able to keep with it and find places to share things that I'm working with.

I wanted to report that I did just reach out to my old friend and we are getting together later this week. She knows about a bucnh of stuff with my BPDso. But I haven't really talked too much with her about it. She has dealt with some pretty bad relationships also.

Whenever I talk about trauma/abuses by my SO, I get really nervous. Partly there's a fear that I'm betraying her, by speaking about it with people that are in our lives. I also realize that we are only as sick as our secrets. ..But I feel kind of like, talking about it probably won't change anything. It might make me feel better, or heard/understood. I guess that has value in itself. ..but I've been silent so long about things, I feel like I've forgotten how to really open up.

Anyway - that you for your encouragement to reach out. Since posting the other day - I feel like there is a bit of a pressure release. And some momentum forward.

So thank you (all of you) for the inviting and encouraging welcomes!

[feelinglostagain]

Everyone's situation is different, so I won't presume mine is similar to yours...but I will say that in my situation with my uPDw (undiagnosed Personality Disordered wife...possibly Narcissist, possibly BPD, I'm not sure), I have determined that it is unsafe to open up, share the deepest parts of me, or talk about trauma/abuses. I don't consider this keeping secrets...I consider it self-protection to preserve my emotional and mental health. She has shown through countless past interactions that she cannot be empathetic toward me in my difficulties, and even worse, she will use those deep parts of me against me to attack and abuse me. I have no idea if your BPDso has this tendency, but it's true for me. So through the course of spending time on this website, watching videos, and reading books, I've come to accept that fact that I will never again have a deep, intimate, open relationship with my wife...it's just not possible with her. I felt guilty about this at first, but now I've come to accept that even that guilt is a PD tactic of hers to keep me down and feeling inferior. I've finally come to a place where I feel free of that guilt (most of the time, haha), and realize that I have a right to boundaries and not being abused. So now I'm focused on finding other outlets for emotional support...such as this forum, and a couple trusted close friends.

Wow - user.. This does resonate with my situation. And it kind of hurts to hear, because I feel like I've been wishing/hoping for something different. She has destroyed important possessions of mine, and has deliberately poked at parts of me that are a source of pride and a source of shame.

With the possessions - there are possessions that I would be absolutely devastated if they got destroyed.  Things that I'd love to have out on the mantle and seeing every day. Some of the broken things, I've tried to put back together. Some of them I had to throw away. Some are still in pieces because it's too hard to looks at them. Mostly - I keep the broken stuff, and the stuff I deeply love in boxes in the basement where she won't go looking for them.

Similarly, I've bottled up and hidden away important parts of myself.. It's definitely a partitioning defense, but often I just feel fractured because I can't bring out my best parts, or the vulnerable parts.

The piece where I keep the abusive stuff a secret from friends, for me comes from a deep place of feeling (and/or being) judged by others. Its a deep sense that I am defective.. Like the dialog in my head goes: "there's something wrong with me that I keep gravitating toward women who treat me a certain way. my current SO moved away and broke up with me years ago - and i still wanted to get back with her, even though she sometimes rages and treats me like crap. Therefore there's something wrong with me"

.. And so - I avoid my family and my friends. Most of them have seen the intense stuff that I've experienced (at least in the past, when I couldn't handle it). Rages and threats still happen occasionally. But now I just keep all the hurts (and the good stuff) boxed up in my emotional basement.

..

Many of her rages come from her fear of abandonment, or more specifically her fear that I'm cheating on her.. Also - those rages are partly why I don't feel safe with her right now.. and why I struggle with emotional (and physical) intimacy with her..  Which she feels and fuels her fear that I might be cheating.

..So - what you said really strikes a chord.. I'm sad to hear that that is where you ended up, it sounds like that's not where you wanted to be. Though I'm happy to hear that you have found ways to make it work for you. Thank you for sharing this.

Just echoing what you and others have said though - I want to be sharing parts of myself and engaging with other people: here and with friends/other support groups. One challenge is finding the 'right' people, who will understand and not judge. And trusting to reach out and talk with them. People with whom I won't feel so defective around. ...And spending less time with the more judgemental people.

Thank you for the encouragement to work towards that.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there Feeling lost,

So glad you are here!

Re: work (projects) helping us to re-regulate. I learned how to see my work as helpful to my overall coping skills, by reading about DBT. One of the ideas from DBT, is apparently to explore places where we can feel mastery. And then in reading a lot about emotional regulation skills, one of the suggestions I read about or heard repeatedly was "distraction can be good for the nervous system to calm down".

So I put those ideas together, to then realize in retrospect, that my own work projects have always helped me to pull my focus away from the emotional upheaval, and into a project where I can feel some sense of mastery.

Back 20 years ago, when I was trying to figure out how to help myself, it was all about "CBT" back then. I got told to use my thoughts to regulate my emotions during the day. That works...sometimes and to a point. But it was not a silver bullet...which is why I kept searching and searching for better advice and ideas on how to really heal / recover.

Once I realized that distracting ourselves away from the stressful emotional thing (whatever it may be) and onto something we can focus on effectively (like a work project where we are probably using the other parts of our brain) is a good thing, I felt much better about how I had managed over the years.

I mention this because in my humble opinion, a lot of therapists are still sorting out how to help people with complex needs. They might not see that for us, a bit of work or a tv show, is exactly what we need and that "distraction" is a good thing for the overall management of our emotional health.

For those of us who are invested in addressing our issues, we don't need to be told to do that - we are already doing that! Distractions, or 'breaks' from the emotional work, the deep work, the investigating our inner child stuff work, help to ensure we don't 'burnout' from trying to make sure all 24 hours that day were devoted to 'healing'. If that makes sense. I wish someone had explained that to me back when I was first trying to get out of my fog!

Now in 2022, I do find that there are more people (i.e those who write articles, books, videos, do therapy) who 'get it' about how emotional management is this complex thing. It isn't just about doing one thing (i.e. like exercising more). That sort of simplistic advice was handed to me for years before we got to this new era of more 'with it' advice on how to regulate.

Now we've got info from people like crappy childhood fairy - none of that was easy to find (or even existed!) 20 years ago! Thank goodness for all of this progress in people sharing and exploring these things together. Which is part of what we get to do here too. So glad you joined us.

I can relate to how smoking can bring down my stress level a few notches. I hear you on that too!

What you wrote in your Sept 14 post about finding people who are not judgemental. I think this is key. People who are not really doing their own work, sure are quick to judge others. But people who are doing their own work, are more likely to respect us when we speak up, and share some of our story.

I agree, it can be hard to find those people. I've pulled away from a lot of people who just wanted to "comment from the cheap seats" when I try to share my struggles with them. Forget that! I'd rather go home and journal about my thoughts than sit around for conversations with judgemental people!

You are doing the right things for yourself and your relationship.

Trees

[feelinglostagain]

Hi Trees -

Thank you again for sharing this. This is extremely validating and I almost cried while I was reading this.

I too started with CBT therapy 25 years ago.. And that has been my default/go to.. And similarly - it helps on a cognitive level.. But it can be more stressful to find that the adjusted reasoning becomes out of step with what's going on in my body.. My heart is still racing, my emotions are still feeling intense - even though logically I can put the issue into a different perspective.. Then I start to feel bad about myself - like "what am I doing wrong? Why don't I FEEL better. This should be working".. I'm only starting to acknowledge and see the benefits of somatic therapy.

I started learning about DBT when my BPDso was initially diagnosed about 10 years ago. I was still in a mindset that I could 'fix' or guide her to fix her stuff.. Since then - I was going to Al Anon, and found that a lot of the topics explored recovery from being in an alcoholic situation relate to DBT topic. .. I think the resources on this site are the first ones that I have come across that actually validates my experience: that living in an alcoholic situation has many similarities with being in relationship with someone struggling with BPD. .. So that - and your post here - is almost like giving me permission to explore DBT for my own healing/recovery.

And I struggle with that too.. Like I don't 'deserve' to exploring the same healing strategies that my SO does.. Like she has CPTSD and Borderline traits and I'm JUST depressed/anxious/isolating/emotionally dysregulated much the time. Like I think the stuff I grew up with (mainly emotional incest) is not as bad or well recognized as violent abusive/sexual trauma. My CBT work reminds me that I don't require a diagnosis to explore different healing options. Also - that my life experiences don't have to be 'as bad as' hers to warrant exploring similar options.. But I sometimes get hung up on wanting/seeking her approval or validation to explore the same things that specifically benefit her diagnosis. I know that only holds me back. But with the emotional incest stuff - I'm programmed to put my needs on the back burner.. And I justify that by saying "my stuff isn't so bad - she's suffering way more. I must attend to her needs rather than my own." Again - cognitively, I know that's not true/helpful.. but that is what my body/feelings/emotions are pushing me toward.

--

Anyway - yeah. To what you were saying about work. I get messages that work = bad. And because of this conversation, I'm starting to recognize the difference between: Working to regulate, and working in a way that triggers/exacerbates dysregulation (and self-neglect). And there's a very thin line between the two for me. Smoking was a way to regulate when I was triggered by over-working. Smoking would force me to take a break and create space where I could reflect on my mastery (as you put it). Without the smoke break, I struggle to take breaks, and any work can very easily cross over into over-working.

Do you have that kind of experience?

Anyway - I want to stop smoking but I haven't been able to successfully replace the smoking with another action/behavior that serves the same purpose. (Emotionally regulate when I'm having stressful emotions).. And like I have tools - other breathing exercises, Qi Gong.. but I tend toward smoking.. and then my SO disapproves, and then shame comes up (causing more dysregulation). ..Have you run into that at all?

--

It's very validating and refreshing to have this conversation with someone (and a few people) here who understand these experiences. You (and others) have been validating this struggle. I don't feel so alone, misunderstood, defective and hopeless. And I am feeling more encouraged to find more non-judgemental people. I know my SO doesn't want to come across as judgemental and in general she wants me to be mentally healthy. But because I've isolated so much, and she (and my parents) have been the only feedback for how I'm living my life. So even the slightest tinge of disapproval can set me off into shame and emotional dysregulation.

I'd like to report that I did hang out with my friend last night.. and after not really speaking with her for 2 years. It didn't take long before we were getting into the deep stuff - and reflecting on our shitty experiences, and encouraging each other in our healing journeys. ..It was nice. It was also stressful. And it felt really good to connect with her again. So again - thank you and others here for encouraging and reminding me how important it is (and how relieving it can feel) to engage with supportive people in my life.