Moving through a year of grieving holidays and other stuff

[Pepin]

Ticking off the holidays one by one since CN MIL has passed has been unnerving...  The 3 holidays that she was traditionally not present at in the past included July 4th, Halloween and Valentine's Day.  Post death we got through Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day without her and birthdays.  Her birthday is next and it was such a big deal even though I'd say that most of us didn't want to deal with it.  I doubt anything will be done this year as the extended family is fractured. 

I have heard and read countless times that it takes a year to get through the cycle of all the birthdays and holidays to move through the process of healing.

Today I admit that I am depressed.  Very.  It's been building up for quite some time.  Breaking down the truth about who she was and the amount of room she took up in my life (especially around holidays and other celebratory days) and those that I care about really has me feeling awful.  She had no right to participate in our lives to the extent that she did.  DH was her open door...and I am trying so hard to be patient and kind towards him -- because I feel incredibly betrayed by him as a partner.  Yesterday he ignored literally the entire day (when normally we'd be happy and celebrating) and I'm sure it was because his mother was on his mind -- and that yes, her birthday is barreling forward on the calendar and not a soul is making a peep about it.  Normally he'd be taking the lead on planning but not this year...

It was painful for me to see so many people celebrating yesterday with each other -- extended families gathering and enjoying each others company.  This is something that has been a massive void during my marriage since I didn't get the chance to experience healthy inlaws. 

I really don't know how to go on from here other than a day at a time....trying to find joy in the small things and keeping it as simple as possible.  It would be incredibly validating if DH were to do some of his own inner work and help the family start healing from the damage - at this point I don't think he can manage something like this and it could be many years before he does.  He was the main wheel behind CN MIL -- and it is frustrating that he was because he let her get away with too much.  I think he knew what he was doing...I just don't see how he couldn't know considering all the conversations we've had about other *damaging* elders in our lives.  Somehow she was special and protected.  I just don't understand.  She hurt so many people and no one has said anything about it yet.       

[SunnyMeadow]

You raise good points here Pepin. I was guilty of going along to get along with my mother. She was invited to most everything and she shouldn't have been! She didn't deserve it but year after year I was good little Sunny trying to put on a happy face and keep the peace. And year after year she caused some sort of drama at a gathering at my house.

Years before she died I stopped arranging for my kids and husband to go spend time with her and my stepdad. I apologized to my children and husband for not being strong enough to put them first and tell her to f-off. I just couldn't do it. My anxiety would have been 100 times worse if I had. Instead I would inform them what NOT to talk about in front of her so things would go smoothly.  The thing is, it didn't matter. She'd find something to be offended about no matter what.

I deeply regret that I didn't put her in her place. It's something I can apologize for now but I realllllly wish I would have handled it then. I hope your husband can get to a place of clarity about this. I wonder if he feels ashamed about it like I do? I feel shame and regret about how I handled my mother at the expense of my immediate family. I can see where you're coming from as the spouse and DIL. What a terrible position to be in. You have every right to be angry and hurt by your husband's actions or lack of action. He didn't put you first. I was so enmeshed that I did the same thing. It's awful.

[Pepin]

SunnyMeadow - yeah, my DH was definitely enmeshed -- and perhaps he does harbor shame around the way that he handled CN MIL and how in insisted we include her all. the. time.  If she was invited elsewhere by another of his siblings, she'd usually decline - and then DH would see that she was alone and invite her - not realizing that she chose that for herself.  She knew DH would come to her rescue like he always did.

I know I've said this many times before on this forum at various times but DH was strongly in my court when we met.  And naturally I was down with that because I assumed that he'd continue being a buffer between him and his mother.  And then the tables turned and I was left confused, angry and betrayed  -- and I've been carrying that for many years.  DH and I met far away from where CN MIL was living so it wasn't an issue at the time.  The closer we moved to her, the worse she got.  If she had gotten her way, we'd be living next door to her.  Ugh.

I am also still wondering if DH will step forward to help mend the fracture in his family.  He's been unable to so far....