Where do I even start? (Parental abuse)

[easterncappy]

Well...

I'm a woman, in my mid-20's, married for about a year, 7 months pregnant, and am almost done cutting ties with my parents. I feel like I get a lot of judgment for taking this long to get away from my parents, but due to family dynamics, my own mental health, some of the situations I was coerced into, etc. it has simply taken until I was in my mid-20's to get away. I'm currently working on packing up the last few things I've left in my old room at their place, cutting off all remaining bureaucratic ties, and building up the courage to tell them "no" when my baby is born. My husband isn't from a functional family either and has developed really strong boundaries with most of his family members, and I'm really happy to be with someone who gets it and wants to help me get out of my family too.

It's difficult. I always sensed that something was wrong, but I couldn't put it into words, and I often blamed myself for it. There's just so much. I could write 50 paragraphs needlessly going into great detail about every major injustice that was committed against me from childhood to my 20's, but I hope that the people here can assume a general context of abuse... I'll share a little bit, but it's honestly outright traumatic going into details sometimes. I was first able to put words to it as a teenager, when I found websites for adult children of abusive parents, and even after that it was a long journey to actually being able to accept truths like "I need to get away from them permanently", "this was not a misunderstanding or a series of mistakes - they are bad people who don't love me", "I don't owe them the things they think I owe them", etc. Even after finding communities like this, they were able to reel me back in a couple of times.

What kind of things did I deal with?

Well, my father sexually abused me from a young age. Not in a way that makes it into tearjerker Hollywood productions, and I also didn't know it was abuse, illegal, or immoral until I was in my teens. My mother never took it seriously. When I confronted her about it as a teenager, she briefly sympathized, but victim blamed me and yelled at me about it the next day. My father was also extremely physically violent (mostly breaking furniture and other objects rather than directing it at us - still very terrifying and traumatic), a severe alcoholic (I had to beg my mom to be allowed to walk to school instead of having him drive me after 6 beers every morning - literally, 6 beers), a severe porn addict (using it out in the open in front of me as a toddler - my mom thought this was my fault too), had no concept of boundaries (walked around naked, burped in my face, groped me, got angry if I didn't like any of it etc.), and of course, all of this was swept under the rug. If something hurt your feelings, you were supposed to forget about it by the next day. We were a happy, functional family, and if you ever pointed out otherwise, you were the bad guy.

As for my mother... I used to think she was a victim in all of this. I used to think she was as trapped as I was. When I found the online communities for adult children of abusers, I realized it just wasn't the case. I started to open my eyes to all of the abusive things she's done to me too. From a young age, I was treated as a confidant, a best friend, something to entertain her. She wanted to sell my used underwear on the internet when I was 14, and she didn't understand why I cried when she suggested it. She used to tell me things like "the love between a man and a woman is temporary, but a woman's true love is her child". I was her "boyfriend" (again - I'm not male). When everything got to me and I developed suicidal feelings, I went to my mother for help, and she suggested that we commit suicide together. She always claimed not to be controlling, and she really wasn't in the traditional authoritarian sense - but she controlled me with fear, obligation, and guilt (something I just pieced together after finding this website, despite my years of reading this kind of content online). She tracked my location even after I was married and moved out, other people had to tell me that this was disturbing and abnormal - I just grew up thinking this was normal. I was her personal driver for my first 5 years of adulthood, sacrificing college internships and classes and fun experiences because she would cry and throw fits if I wasn't available to drive her. She controlled a lot of things through suicide threats, financial abuse, adult tantrums, etc. My mindset was very warped and it still is. I still remember random things from my childhood to my early adulthood, and others have to tell me "that isn't normal".

Now I am 2 months from having a baby... despite telling my mother for years that my father will never meet any children I have, she loves to mention how he'll be a "wonderful grandfather". Boundaries are always rejected and ignored. Enough is enough. I'm trying to build up the strength to totally disconnect. They don't understand there's a problem. They never will. There's so much I haven't said here, that I wish I could, but it's pointless. They're just overall bad people. Some of the types of abuse I went through are so unique I've never heard of anyone going through anything similar. I'm scared of ending up just like them and hurting my daughter in some way. And I'm scared of fully disconnecting. But I have to before my baby is born because she literally cannot ever know these two, I won't allow it. I feel like I'm never going to be a normal person and these two will haunt me until I die.

Thank you for reading. I don't anticipate posting anything this long again. I just wanted to give context to some of what I've been through and am currently dealing with.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You may feel unique about what you have experienced but you are not. I can identify with a lot of what you posted about.

It took me many years to realise that I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I haven't been in contact with her for over two years. I never want to see her ever again.

We can't always have the family of origin (FOO) that we expect but we can build our own family of choice (FOC). We can choose who there are.

Talking about my feelings more has helped me cope better with all the decades of trauma and emotional abuse I have experienced. I will probably need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that.

We share our experiences and support each other here. Other people don't really understand what it is has been like living with abuse unless they have experienced it all for themselves. We are experts by experience rather than experts by training.

You need to do whatever it is to keep you and your family safe. It's OK to set boundaries and to go no contact if necessary. You matter.

You fear what you might do but you have insight into your own behaviour and thinking so that won't happen.

We need to work on building our self esteem. We need to praise and congratulate ourselves for all that we have achieved. We need to be our own cheerleader.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt a lot from her and make sure to watch her videos regularly. They help to keep me on track and to maintain my firm boundaries.

I have also joined some mental health carers support groups locally. I have had great support from the other members for many years.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this. My mother displayed very similar behaviours to many that yours did and you are correct that her behaviour towards you was utterly wrong, whether or not she was a victim of anything your father may have done.

I'm glad you have found a husband who can understand the issues of a dysfunctional family (mine comes from one, too) as it really helps as you process what has gone on. Sending you best wishes for strength to cut the final ties as necessary so you can live a happy life with your husband and baby. I think you are totally right to want to protect your child from these people - one of the reasons I never had children was that I had not at the time I might have had them realised what was going on with my mother. But I knew something was bad and I could not trust myself to protect a child fully.

[easterncappy]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You may feel unique about what you have experienced but you are not. I can identify with a lot of what you posted about.

It took me many years to realise that I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I haven't been in contact with her for over two years. I never want to see her ever again.

We can't always have the family of origin (FOO) that we expect but we can build our own family of choice (FOC). We can choose who there are.

Talking about my feelings more has helped me cope better with all the decades of trauma and emotional abuse I have experienced. I will probably need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that.

We share our experiences and support each other here. Other people don't really understand what it is has been like living with abuse unless they have experienced it all for themselves. We are experts by experience rather than experts by training.

You need to do whatever it is to keep you and your family safe. It's OK to set boundaries and to go no contact if necessary. You matter.

You fear what you might do but you have insight into your own behaviour and thinking so that won't happen.

We need to work on building our self esteem. We need to praise and congratulate ourselves for all that we have achieved. We need to be our own cheerleader.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt a lot from her and make sure to watch her videos regularly. They help to keep me on track and to maintain my firm boundaries.

I have also joined some mental health carers support groups locally. I have had great support from the other members for many years.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

Thank you.

Sometimes I worry that my posts on here come off too self-centered... like, "oh no, I totally hijacked this person's post and made it all about me" but how often do we actually get to say these things to people who just get it?

I'm going to check that YouTube channel out.

[easterncappy]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this. My mother displayed very similar behaviours to many that yours did and you are correct that her behaviour towards you was utterly wrong, whether or not she was a victim of anything your father may have done.

I'm glad you have found a husband who can understand the issues of a dysfunctional family (mine comes from one, too) as it really helps as you process what has gone on. Sending you best wishes for strength to cut the final ties as necessary so you can live a happy life with your husband and baby. I think you are totally right to want to protect your child from these people - one of the reasons I never had children was that I had not at the time I might have had them realised what was going on with my mother. But I knew something was bad and I could not trust myself to protect a child fully.

Thank you. It's always nice to hear that someone can relate to me when I've always felt like an alien talking about the things that have happened to me. To be honest, the baby was a surprise and I never thought I'd feel ready to have one either... but now that I'm going to, I have to make sure she grows up better than I did. Contrary to what abusive parents think, parenthood is a one-way street. I owe her everything and she owes me nothing.

[Boat Babe]

Your baby is gonna be a happy little bubba! I had a rotten childhood but my kid had a good one. That has made all the difference to me. Keep talking here 😁

[hhaw]

easterncappy:

You don't require your parent's approval, or understanding to turn away from them without another word....ever.

You might feel you need those things, but you're as free as your boundaries, self compassion and care will take you in physical, emotional and spiritual distance.

As smart as you are.....as much as you've pieced together about your FOO dynamics, I imagine you'll find a way to disengage without drama and give your child a more serene home life without your parents.

You don't have to judge your FOO good or bad.  It can simply be engage, engage a little or withdrawal completely, bc that's your God given right to self protection.

The only permission required is your own, ec and when you think about modeling healthy family of origin behaviors....what software do you want to install in your baby's Nervous System and brain?

Abusive parents have no extended rights to be a part of their adult children's lives.

Your parents installed software in your little brain that's not acceptable.

You can replace that software and model healthy boundaries and functional relationships for your child, even as you learn, heal and grow through those lessons.

What a gift you are to yourself, husband and child. 

You're the One who will break the generational abuse cycle.

You're the One who stands up to the discomfort and trauma your parents will manufacture to gain your compliance.

Part of breaking habits us learning to sit with the discomfort and do nothing, ime.

That moment of nothingness is your opportunity to discern what's real, what's wirking and what needs to change in your life.

That moment is a chance to choose new things and to cultivate feelings if wirthiness, regardless of your broken parent's negative reactions.

That moment is you dropping reactivity in favor of responsiveness  so you can be more presponsive to yourself and everyone around deserving of your attention.

Your parents aren't safe for you or your child and that doesn't require more opinions or pondering....it can just be what it is.  You can let it be.

I invite you consider finding a trauma informed Therapist ( with Buddhist leanings) to help you process your trauma and move it out of your body and Nervous System and into historic memory files, where it belongs. 

You're going to be an amazing parent, partially bc you're so darned smart and wise for your age!!!

P.S.  I write long posts on this forum without worry.  You can write everything out and feel welcome to do so too🐝