No more gossip!

[Pepin]

Today I had the realization that the gossip train was no more.  CN MIL was the facilitator of all the family gossip.  She literally couldn't help herself - talking behind peoples backs and pitting family members against each other was her full time job.  Huh.  What a relief not to have to hear the regurgitated garbage anymore about other family members that I'd rather not hear or know about.  And the fact that no one told her to mind her own business or shut up -- there were so many times when I wanted to ask her why is anything that you gossip about your business?  Rather than working on herself and growing into a mature adult, she chose the opposite.  Why did she do this?  Division.  I feel to my core that she wanted to destroy anyone that had a shred of luck or success - it wasn't theirs to own but hers to play against the others and make the others feel like sh*t.  And you bet she loved it when bad things happened to family members...the corners of her mouth tuning up as she unloaded what she heard.  This is a woman who lacked depth of nearly any kind.  Couldn't hold a conversation and talk about anything other than gossip.  The only other things she talked about were her aches and pains and what help she needed.  Ugh!

Amen to no more gossip.  Not interested in any of the cousins or their parents and what they have been up to.  If we wanted to know, they would have been incorporated into our lives with care.  But, no.  Most of them also operated under their own gross agendas and thankfully all that has been cut off with CN MIL's passing.  I'm still amazed at how ONE PERSON can orchestrate such chaos within an entire extended family.  Again, ONE PERSON. 

I am learning what it feels like to just "live" rather than always looking over my shoulder.  The vigilance meter has gone way down...

[bloomie]

I'm still amazed at how ONE PERSON can orchestrate such chaos within an entire extended family.  Again, ONE PERSON. 

I am learning what it feels like to just "live" rather than always looking over my shoulder.  The vigilance meter has gone way down...

Pepin - this post gives me hope! Thank you for sharing that the vigilance has dropped off and you are experiencing relief.

It is truly mind boggling how much division and strife one unchecked tongue of fire can bring in a family system. The gossip and toxic obsession with the lives of others, the slandering and smearing, has been one of the most exhausting, persistent, and disappointing character issues in my own in law family.

[moglow]

Pepin, that's such a good - if sad - thing!! I feel that peace for you!

Mother's entire family had a major issue with the gossip/intrigue, and they drove that train hard their entire lives. There was always some sort of chaos between them, with one sibling not talking to that one and trying to divide and conquer the others. Family gatherings and even contact with extended family fell to the wayside long before we were adults.

I remember mother telling me repeatedly that xyz said/did/had abc, and "don't tell them you heard it from me!" when I wasn't in contact with ANY of them. When inevitably the gossip circled back to xyz [because mother had told anyone who'd stand still long enough] md would blame ME, claiming that I had repeated it. Dude no. I'd tell her repeatedly I don't want or need this information, but "you ARE involved! They're your FAMILY!" What, when there's drama to be shared, some reason for you to sneer at them?? I don't even have phone numbers for them or know where they live! And that - I'd asked md more than once for phone numbers, so I could actually make contact on my own. That was a no from her. She had to have some ironclad control over HER family, like she was the keeper of the holy grail and all it implied.

They're all gone now, btw. Mother's last sibling passed several years ago, none of her nieces and nephews have anything to do with her, her flying monkeys have [apparently] expired. For a while she tried the same crap between me and my brothers. She'd already done considerable damage there, still doesn't seem to grasp that none of us trust or want much/any contact with her. The rose colored "mother" glasses are OFF.

[Starboard Song]

The vigilance meter has gone way down...

Oh, that's just great. My vigilance meter went down long ago, but my injustice meter is still stuck redlining.

I am happy for you.

[Pepin]

...but my injustice meter is still stuck redlining.

Yep.....same boat as I continue to turn things over in my head about having had CN MIL be a part of my life.  I mean d*mn.  That woman did a number on me.  I brought my very best version of myself to my marriage and she just wasn't having any of it.  I recently was reading an artist bio and the artist was sharing how her son and daughter in laws brought so much vitality into her life.  That totally resonated with me in that I look forward to being able to have that in my life as a future MIL.  I mean shoot, aren't daughter and son in laws supposed to add a richness?  I certainly feel as though I failed my MIL in that department along with all the other son and daughter inlaws that married into DH's family.  None of us had a warm relationship with her because she didn't want that.     And I am so glad not to have to hear any more gossip about any of them either.  It wasn't my place to know some of what she shared about them.  And if she was saying things behind their backs to me, I can only imagine what she said about me to them...

[Pepin]

Pepin, that's such a good - if sad - thing!! I feel that peace for you!

It certainly has made life much quieter.  No dumb drama regurgitated every week when DH would check in or visit with her.  The extra sad part is that she was also not very good at remembering the correct information.  It was almost as if she was playing the telephone game and left out certain details -- took me years to understand that she did that on purpose...as PDs like to do.  But yes, this removal of the gossip train has finally brought some peace. 

[Pepin]

Pepin - this post gives me hope! Thank you for sharing that the vigilance has dropped off and you are experiencing relief.

It is truly mind boggling how much division and strife one unchecked tongue of fire can bring in a family system. The gossip and toxic obsession with the lives of others, the slandering and smearing, has been one of the most exhausting, persistent, and disappointing character issues in my own in law family.

Isn't that the truth?!     Aside from disappointing, it is also embarrassing.  I think that many believed that if they shared something with her that it would be safe.  Uh, nope.  Hell, no.  Now that she's gone, quite a bit of dirty laundry has been exposed.  Her estate plans pretty much summed it all up considering the way she doled out what she had left to give. 

I am sorry that you have experienced this, too.  Gossip is horrible and in my opinion just reeks of immaturity.  CN MIL was incapable of being a genuine mother figure that could stay in her own lane with grace...though she got the last laugh because she rode off into the sunset without having made amends or apologies for her behavior to anyone.  It wasn't that she didn't care, it's that she did not want to care.  Nothing was safe with her.  DH started to finally catch on to what she was doing a little bit too late...he'd keep certain things from her that he knew she'd pass onto others that they had no business knowing.  I wish he had been able to come to this conclusion earlier about her...could have gotten him Out of the FOG.   

[bloomie]

 

It wasn't that she didn't care, it's that she did not want to care.  Nothing was safe with her.

"Nothing was safe with her"... that is where the damage has come in for me. The deepest of wounding. I truly had no idea a family system could outwardly appear so normal and be so toxic with the most tender and intimate areas of our lives that they could get to. Until we learned to determinedly protect and comprehend that nothing and no one is safe in relationship with them.

So interesting you mention how embarrassing this all is. I have experienced the sting and shudder of this kind of behavior, just cringe worthy the laser focus and lack of compassion and love shown when dissecting the life of others for entertainment or self aggrandizement, but haven't really processed HOW uncomfortable, and how in my very young days, I believed I was powerless when faced with this. 

[moglow]

...she rode off into the sunset without having made amends or apologies for her behavior to anyone.  It wasn't that she didn't care, it's that she did not want to care.  Nothing was safe with her. DH started to finally catch on to what she was doing a little bit too late...he'd keep certain things from her that he knew she'd pass onto others that they had no business knowing.

Once again, your experiences are too familiar. The things mother repeated to me about others - and worse, her apparent glee in the telling - were horrifying. It took me way too long to grasp that she was also doing the same behind my back. I'll admit, eventually I set her up. Didn't take long at all for something I'd created to come right back to me. I didn't throw it in her face or address in any way, it was confirmation for me only. I very much shut down with her after that. And somehow I'm still seen as the bad guy ... Okay. I'll take it. Nothing is safe with the woman, as you said.

[Seven]

5is reminds me of the time I told my uNPDm that all of the siblings are in a group chat.  The look on her face when she realized she could no longer triangulate was priceless.   

Since her death the group chat has been quiet mostly.  Just wrapping up her estate things mostly, but because it was so quiet Bro6 Broke the ice with his first kidney stone story.  I think I ruined it by telling him DH has his first also.

But yep, all is quiet. I never really realized all the drama that surrounded her. Or I DID realize it and now I'm just starting to settle and come to a new, more stable normal.