Can't have a casual conversation

[11JB68]

Most conversations follow a pattern/ rules,  at designated times etc.
Or are like business meetings.
I rarely have anything to chat about with him anyway. Most things can be a minefield.
Saw a bit of news online that I figured he and I would both find good....
Me: did you see the thing about so and so?
Him: no
Me: he got fined or something..45 mil
Him: 4.5 mil!
Me: I thought you didn't see it(?) And....(looking it up)....says 45. Not 4.5
Him: oh well that's today.  Yesterday it was only 4.5


Me: (to myself..... why do I try?)

[square]

I'm guessing some people don't understand the "connection" purpose of casual conversation.

If your husband sees everything through a hierarchical lens of one-up/one-down, zero sum, winner/loser, then there is nothing that can increase both of you.

Whereas you could converse with someone and not worry if you look like the ultimate authority on the subject, and come away having enjoyed sharing ideas and feelings and a sense of justice with someone else.

I'm guessing he denied seeing the story because he only saw the headlines or something, and did not want to risk you knowing something he didn't. Bit couldn't resist when he thought it became evident that he knew more.

It's too bad for both of you he can't enjoy a conversation without it being a jousting of sorts.

I wonder if his father constantly humiliated him for not knowing something or other "weaknesses," using normal interactions as hunting grounds to exploit any possible vulnerability.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-H sometimes does this. I don't think he's intentionally trying to elevate himself. Instead, I think that he prides himself on his knowledge and considers any information he offers to be a contribution to the conversation. But whatever his intent, the other people in the conversation can feel as though he's trying to "top" them.

[11JB68]

Square that thing about his father, probably spot on

[escapingman]

The last couple of years, probably longer, I could not have any conversations at all with uNPDx without turning it on to me being at fault. I could for example come home from a trip outside and mention about anything that happened and she turned it against me. It becomes rather lonely when you can't even mention the weather without it being your fault in some way.

[Fae Greenwood]

For my uNPDh, the issue isn't him being right; It's me being wrong. Fae must always be wrong. Even when it literally doesn't matter at all, he will attack what he believes is an incorrect detail as Fae MUST be made to understand she is wrong. That ultimately is the point of every conversation. Square is right that conversation is for connection and that your husband (and so many of our significant others) are playing a zero-sum game.

[SeaBreeze]

Nope, sure can't. Even safe topics like the weather aren't safe with uNPDh. Any given topic is politicized. Or turned into a rant about (insert disenfranchised group he hates). Or I'm asked where/why/how I think or know that. Or I'm told I'm talking too loud, or he can't hear me so will I speak up, or he thinks I mispronounced a word, or he says I interrupted him when I didn't. Or on a "good" day he turns anything I say sexual, or he's too busy giving me moon eyes and trying to flirt or cuddle or grope rather than listening to me. Rarely does uNPDh seem to actually hear or show interest in my words, thoughts, opinions, or feelings. Yet then he complains I don't seem to share conversation with him anymore, meaningful or casual or otherwise.... 

[Kitbit]

Feeling your pain...I find the shock is often the worst part, and the most destabilizing. It would make sense that an innocent conversation would be the least likely place you're expecting to get blasted. But as other posters have said, they can take any situation and make it an opportunity to put someone else down.

[FancyNancy]

Nope, sure can't. Even safe topics like the weather aren't safe with uNPDh. Any given topic is politicized. Or turned into a rant about (insert disenfranchised group he hates). Or I'm asked where/why/how I think or know that. Or I'm told I'm talking too loud, or he can't hear me so will I speak up, or he thinks I mispronounced a word, or he says I interrupted him when I didn't. Or on a "good" day he turns anything I say sexual, or he's too busy giving me moon eyes and trying to flirt or cuddle or grope rather than listening to me. Rarely does uNPDh seem to actually hear or show interest in my words, thoughts, opinions, or feelings. Yet then he complains I don't seem to share conversation with him anymore, meaningful or casual or otherwise.... 

Oh my gosh, yes, this! 

[11JB68]

Yes,  user, I read that book and that really resonated with me!