How to handle VLC between Ngrandparents and daughter? (while NC myself)

[Alma Rae]

I'm NC with my family of origin. They are narcissistic (nMom) and emotionally immature (dad) but not overtly abusive (that I remember).

I went NC roughly 6 mo - 1 year ago (explaining that I needed space to work on my stuff), but even before that I would get so upset when I talked to nMom that my husband started handling the video calls between nGrandma and our 5-year-old daughter. We live far enough away that in-person visits aren't an issue (thank goodness).

Now I'm fully done and have no intention of ever being in contact with my parents, again But I'm not sure how to handle the grandparent - grandchild relationship.

My husband says he truly doesn't mind being the middleman. I believe him. And he's good about not passing along any info to/about me. He does video calls about once a month with Ngrandma and once a month with Ngrandpa.

I guess my dilemma is that I would like to be really and truly 100% no contact, but I also don't want my daughter to be curious or intrigued about her mystery grandparents. And, they aren't dangerous enough, as far as I can tell, to justify keeping her from them...

- Is it crazy / dysfunctional having my husband do FaceTime between my parents and our daughter?
- How can we move toward ending or reducing the grandparent time?
- Is it worth keeping some grandparent time so our daughter doesn't get curious about them?

Thanks for feedback

[Seven]

At 5yo your daughter may ask "what happened to grandparents". Your answer would be "we had to put them in a timeout" or other age-appropriate answer.  Odds are your child will go "oh, ok" and go about normal life and then eventually forget all about them.

3/4 of my grandparents were deceased before I was born.  My maternal grandmother died when I was 4.  I can't miss what I never had. I barely remember her.  The same will go for your child as well. 

And if they are dangerous enough for you to be no contact then they are a danger to her as well.    It I'm just going off what info you have given here. There really is no context as to why you're NC, but you don't need to justify that to us either. 

[Leonor]

Hi dear Alma,

You do not have to sacrifice your beautiful baby to your disordered parents.

She is not getting anything from a video call; she's a placeholder to maintain some kind of fantasy about extended family, give your narc parents supply and protect you from the wrath of your parents should they feel the full brunt of NC. And even though your dh is a compassionate man, he's being played in the middle of two factions, and that's not fair.

No more video calls, for your baby's sake. NC is NC, not NC with daughter with a side of daughter. You don't owe your parents an explanation.

And as for your baby girl, if she asks, you can say that there are some Big People things to talk over. That's it. It doesn't have to be a huge deal or anything.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Without knowing details: Good parents don't encourage relationships with people they can't trust. They encourage relationships with good, trustworthy people. Grandparents are not entitled to a relationship with your children. If they are so hurtful to you, what makes you think they are safe enough for your little girl?

For context I am NC with both my parents and IL's and so are my children. In our situation there's really no other way.

I also wonder about the monthly video calls. I mean, why? It definitely seems odd to me, regardless of your NC status. That can't be a satisfying relationship with the best of people, and seems unsustainable. If your parents are narcissistic, that it's a "placeholder" seems very likely to me. Eventually the supply derived from these calls will not be enough and something will need to change.

We actually had a similar experience with my far away in-laws. We did about monthly video calls too! When the kids got a bit older they started to demand we put them on a plane by themselves to see them.