Huffing/grunting/sighing by narcs... in response to GR/MC

[rockandhardplace]

The more I GR the more of these weird non-verbal grunts and sighs I get from UPDh. Since I started to call out his abusive behaviours he's gone into full scale victim mode. Long story but basically I went back to uni 2 years ago after being stay home mom for 11/12 years. A situation that suited him so he could come and go for work and never had to deal with the messiness of babies / childcare / school etc. Our relationship basically went from bad to worse but completely imploded about 4 years ago and he refused counselling as that would just be lots of talking, but has never tried in any way to work on things. When we tried counselling years before he tried to blame everything on me for "having issues" and itemised many things related to either our kids or my health. Then he blamed it on the fact that I spent too much time at home and things would be better once I started studying. Then a few months before I started uni he decided I should forget about studying and try and find minimum wage job... when I refused (we didn't need a second income - I needed to study so I can support myself and kids when I leave) his twisted brain decided that our whole family problem is that I don't have a job. Is constantly complaining to the kids how awful it is to have to work every day. I've copped heaps of crazy irrational abuse - the closer I get to finishing, first year he said nothing, but most of the time he just walks into room and grunts / huffs / sighs loudly at me.
Is this a PD passive aggressive thing? Usually I ignore but once it was more like a hiss so I hissed back. It felt good, but a few days later he became really verbally abusive. It's better to just ignore but it still causes me to have an automatic visceral reaction. I think it's stored trauma memory or something as even when we were speaking to each other, still acting like a family, this was the build up of tension stage before he blew.

[escapingman]

Oh yes this is an abusive trick in the PD playbook. When I went MC with uNPDstbxw she walkeed round making those noises all the time. Her favourite was to come into my office where I was working and pick up something, a piece of paper or whatever and then make a huff or two to demonstrate how hard she was working (with her made up chores). One time I made a huff back when she was on the way out in passing, she flew off her handle in to a rage screaming at me for how dare I make a huff.

[Prototypian]

My uOCPDw does this but in a different fashion.   She expects that people notice the nonberbal complaint and if it is not addressed it escalates.   She wants someone to address what she has found to be "not right" and if someone doesn't answer her she loses it.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is my NPD/BPD mom's preferred punishment. She stomps around the house with this furious scowl on her face. Huffing and slamming cabinet doors. Similar to Jsinjin's post, she wants her bad mood to be "recognized." Only with her, it's a trick. If you ask her what's wrong or offer something out of kindness, that's when she explodes. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[rockandhardplace]

EM it scares me how similar our issues with our PD are! As the stay home parent I did everything around the house and still did most when studying. During lockdown I did all the kids home schooling while doing my masters degree and one day he started raging at me over some dirt around our bathroom bin that he claimed was mine and shouted in front of kids that I was lazy, lazy, lazy. It was one of the busiest times in my life. Then he makes this massive song and dance about cleaning our shared bathroom, so much tutting / huffing. I pointed out that he had literally never cleaned the bathroom in all 11 years we'd lived here which of course he denied as me being delusional but since then he's started doing laundry so what he does is comes storming down past my desk and tuts and huffs out the door with washing. The time he hissed and I hissed back I was folding laundry and he cleaned out a toy storage cupboard that he had literally never before opened in is life!! He clearly didn't sort out anything just threw all the old toys and stuff into a rubbish sack and hissed at me!! Yesterday it was walking into our living room while there were boxes and stuff lying around as I'm putting together cheap flat pack furniture. He almost banged his head on table doing head roll grunt at something I said to the kids once. I think he's trying not to rage as somewhere deep down he knows that is abusive.

[notrightinthehead]

When my NPDh behaved like that it was hard for me not to feel anxious. I clammed up and froze. It was hard for me to concentrate for a while afterwards. How does it make you feel when you are exposed to such treatment? How do you recover?

[rockandhardplace]

Not right- same! Years ago I read a book on dv and the author talked about a visceral trauma response to small gestures / minor incidents. I can so relate to that. I definitely feel anxious, on edge, hr goes up and lose concentration. Even when it's fleeting and not followed by any overt abuse. But I even get that now when he does any housework. Like I can hear him emptying the dishwasher and I wish I'd got there first. Not that he would ever say that's my job because everything is covert with him. He'll just start huffing or complain to the kids but my body has stored the trauma from years of JADEing / his rages

[falsebalance2]

Mine likes to yawn loudly. Verrrrryyyy *stretch* yeeeaeeeaaahhhhhhhh....Loudly.

and he has always been able to sleep for hours and hours on end all throughout a day off to punish me for being so boring.


To let me know how utterly bored he is...or probably more likely - how boring *I* am.

In the FOG- I would jump up and suggest a menu of 'fun' things to go do. He enjoyed turning them all down and then suggesting his original plan - which was usually driving an HOUR or TWO to EAT or go walk around a store he likes. We have so many amusement parks, zoos, hiking etc....

He also belches loudly and passes gas - hoping to get any reaction. I just ignore.

We have been living on seperate ends of the house but he knows if he is loud in the bathroom he can wake us all up - so he shuffles about loudly in there.


Honestly I kind of had to laugh at myself because in the past I would groan sometimes when I was cleaning all of the messes (and I do mean ALL) while he laid on the couch with his feet up.

Fleas I guess.

I'm so glad I'm leaving.

No matter what 'consequences' I face...

How miserable to have fight or flight triggers and have to communicate and read all these smoke signals according to his rules.

Hugs - no hisses - to all

[Breadroll]

Huffing, grunting - and sniffing- a lot!!  Sniffing in a way that would indicate a cold. I would ask if npd was feeling ok, and that would result in s derisive response, but would stop it for a while. The sniffing escalated along with other behaviors when tension  started to increase - waking up in the night, slamming doors/ forgetting things but blaming everyone else  etc.   Sneering. Gosh it was awful. So so so glad to be out of it, peace is priceless.