Nothing we do is ever enough

Lilyloo · July 23, 2022, 05:57:59 AM

My internet is in and out, so if I don't reply it has gone out again. She is at the nursing home and mad! I've called every other day since she broke her knee cap. I sit and listen as she talks over me. If I try to speak she's talking on and on. I have to raise my voice to tell her I'm trying to give her my cell number. They moved her from the hospital to therapy at a NH near me. I called her yesterday. I went into the call wanting to be a good kind daughter. The first 10 minutes I ask questions about her therapy, if she'd seen my stepdad who is also there. I knew I was being kind tho it's hard. She started to bash my brother who for a year has helped her get a rental house, bought her furniture, etc. He's been ill himself. Her house was infested with fleas. He has fogged it twice. Her legs had bites. She says he is making it up, there are no fleas. She says her legs are a disease. She says he drinks all day and imagining it. She says he imagines the fleas. He can't drink he's taking IV fusions for myasthenia gravis. I stayed quiet as she bashed the sweet brother who's done so much. Then she laid into me. A crazy story how my husband and I don't like her friend. It went into her telling me it's true when I ask what she was talking about. She daid I was lying. I have not seen her friend forv16 years and always liked her. I said I didn't call you for this. I said take care have a good evening. I started shaking not knowing why this happened. I felt my blood pressure raise. I called both brothers. I come here because I honestly feel so lost, so confused, and that nothing any of us ever did mattered. She is mean. At the end of her life she can't stop bashing the world and the kids she is supposed to love. My internet may go out. I'm grateful I woke to it working. I needed to vent. Thank you everyone. By the way my brother told her she can't ho back to that house. She's living in filth. I suppose she's really mad that someone is trying to look out for her

SunnyMeadow · July 23, 2022, 08:22:21 AM

You're right, it's never enough. I really like how you said to her, I didn't call you for this and then take care - have a good evening. That's perfect. You don't have to keep listening to her nonsense and you took care of the matter!

I don't think you can say anything to stop her from bashing your brother, you or your husband, it's like it's ingrained in them. Anything you say, she'd have an angry comeback. So getting off the phone is the best way. I know I kept waiting for my mother to turn into a nice old lady. Even in her 80s when she had run off all her family and friends, she still bashed everyone. It was pathetic. Like, at what age do you realize it's YOU and not them? For people with PDs I guess they never realize.

She is mean Lilyloo and you don't deserve that treatment at all. Keep cutting the calls and visits short if she can't behave. Maybe you'll get to a point where you can't even be bothered to call her. That would be ok too. You have to protect yourself....she's certainly not going to do it.

Sneezy · July 23, 2022, 10:49:00 AM

You don't deserve to be treated the way your mother treats you. If it was anyone other than your mother, you would have cut them out of your life years ago. Your brother is right - you mother can't go back to her filthy home. She needs to be placed in a permanent senior living situation, and there should be someone in her current NH who can help with that. Ask for a social worker to be assigned to your mother. Do not, under any circumstances, volunteer to take her into your home or care for her in her home. You can't do that, you won't do that - it's time for the medical professionals to figure out where it's best for your mother to go.

As far as you and your sanity - I know you don't want to go NC, but can you go LC? Do it in baby steps. If you are currently calling your mother every other day, cut back to calling every third day. If your calls typically last 15 minutes, start saying goodbye at the 12-minute mark, and then the 10-minute mark, etc. If you can gradually get down to a couple 5-10 minute calls a week, that may help.

You can also refuse to discuss certain topics with your mother. Tell her you don't want to discuss a topic, such as your brother, because it gets her too upset. When she keeps bringing up your brother, just say something like "mom, I told you we aren't going to discuss brother any more because it gets you too upset and I don't want to upset you." Just keep refusing to engage on topics that you don't want to discuss with her.

I know all this is easier said than done. Even minor steps can help, though. Good luck and big hugs to you

Lilyloo · July 23, 2022, 01:45:10 PM

Thank you Sunny and Sneezy! I really am grateful for your replies. She is staying at that nursing home as far as I know. She is there for good!! My brother is the bad guy now! He was brave enough to insist. I never called her ever until this fall and breaking of her knee cap. Hospital stays were the only time I called. I'm done! So true I would not deal with any other person who treated me this way! I have been LC for 15 years, I'd drive her to doctors maybe 3 times a year. Those trips were so draining. Bash Bash people! I know it will never stop, but if I ever have any contact again, I'm telling her up front, that I WILL NOT listen to anything other than her therapy, how her knee is doing and chat about the nursing home. That is it!!! I dealt with it far to long!! It has taken its toll. I am sooo close to NC. I want it!! I want my life back! I will never be there to hold her hand as shes dying, I will most likely never visit. She told me no I did not need to visit, I could call LOL!!

and Sunny, yes I've kept waiting too, for suddenly her to be the sweet mom my soul longed for. Never happening!! How true that they never see its them, its all of us, we are all bad, we are the disordered, the uncaring. My mom ran off a lot of friends too and most family. Her friends are crazy just like she is. I think the defining moments have been when my brother died of cancer and she made it about her, when my other brother has had 3 strokes, and its about her, and my youngest has this immune disease and she has never spoke of his ordeal to me. sad isnt it

Her only words "oh he gets this immune stuff from me" She is TOXIC

Sneezy, I'm sure she wanted one of us to offer her our home. How could children offer that, when we have all been so abused! There will be no calls now. If she calls me the rules will be laid out . I have taken her crap for so long and I'm not afraid anymore! In one year I will be 70. I will have a good life and she will never guilt me, trash me or disrespect me again without consequences!! I am glad shes at the NH to stay! She did say shes still paying her house rent, so maybe shes planning on escaping. She will have no help from us!

Thank you both. I can count on you to make me see things clearly and give me to the point, workable, eye opening advice.

moglow · July 23, 2022, 05:06:24 PM

Lily, you really dont have to even tell her. You can just live it. If you "lay it all out there" it just opens the door for questions and discussions. Address it if/when you have to and go about your day. Learn to end the calls and visits without drama or inviting any. "Well it's time for me to go, see you next Sunday!" Or just space those calls out more every time she throws down.

lkdrymom · July 24, 2022, 11:47:21 AM

I agree with the others. If you feel you must call, give her a warning shot when she starts bashing you or your brother. "Mom, I don't want to hear you talk bad about my brother, if you continue this call will end". As soon as she does it again just end the call. You don't have to remind her why, just politely end it. AND DO THAT EVERY TIME. You may also want to space out the calls even further. Or you really don't have to call at all. This is called letting a person live the consequences of their actions.

p123 · July 25, 2022, 04:40:07 AM

Aw thats just awful.... Good on you though for ending the call.

Lilyloo · July 25, 2022, 03:14:13 PM

moglow, ikdrymom, p123, I am reading everyone's advice over and over. I want it all to sink in once and for all. I have taken enough abuse from my mother, tho she wouldn't say it's abuse

! I don't think I can call her again, not for a long time! She would say I'm the mean one

I do not wish to speak to her. We spent the last 10 days being kind to her. I'm in need of a long break.

My brother's wife of one year is now POA. Mother loves her. She babies mother and is what she always wanted in a daughter, that is until my SIL does something mother doesn't like, then we will see how that plays out. It all seems such a mess. In my opinion, mother will do everything she can to go back home, shes insisting on still paying the house rent! For all I know after her knee heals, maybe the NH wont want to keep her. Isn't there an assessment or something of them in order for them to be allowed to stay there? Its mother who's saying shes staying. Shes trying to guilt us by saying shes staying! Typical her making the rules, controlling it all! I'd think there would be an application, etc. There's been no mention of papers to be signed, nothing!

Thank you again each and everyone. Your replies mean so much!

Call Me Cordelia · July 25, 2022, 09:03:00 PM

QuoteFor all I know after her knee heals, maybe the NH wont want to keep her. Isn't there an assessment or something of them in order for them to be allowed to stay there? Its mother who's saying shes staying. Shes trying to guilt us by saying shes staying! Typical her making the rules, controlling it all! I'd think there would be an application, etc. There's been no mention of papers to be signed, nothing!

This falls under, "Not your circus not your monkeys." You don't have any control over any of this, except to say NO you may not move in with me! You are not POA glory hallelujah. You can speak to the social worker about your options, mom. Defer to those who actually can help, whose job it is to help. Gotta go the dog's on fire, as Woman Interrupted used to say. You did very well to get off the phone when she started getting mean.

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:48:55 AM

Quote from: Lilyloo on July 25, 2022, 03:14:13 PM
moglow, ikdrymom, p123, I am reading everyone's advice over and over. I want it all to sink in once and for all. I have taken enough abuse from my mother, tho she wouldn't say it's abuse ! I don't think I can call her again, not for a long time! She would say I'm the mean one I do not wish to speak to her. We spent the last 10 days being kind to her. I'm in need of a long break.

My brother's wife of one year is now POA. Mother loves her. She babies mother and is what she always wanted in a daughter, that is until my SIL does something mother doesn't like, then we will see how that plays out. It all seems such a mess. In my opinion, mother will do everything she can to go back home, shes insisting on still paying the house rent! For all I know after her knee heals, maybe the NH wont want to keep her. Isn't there an assessment or something of them in order for them to be allowed to stay there? Its mother who's saying shes staying. Shes trying to guilt us by saying shes staying! Typical her making the rules, controlling it all! I'd think there would be an application, etc. There's been no mention of papers to be signed, nothing!

Thank you again each and everyone. Your replies mean so much!

Oh I get that too - someone else is "wonderful to me". In my case, its my brothers wife whereas my wife is the Devil incarnate (because she refuses to get involved).

My situation is I live 30 mins drive away from Dad, we both work, I've got 9 year old and an 18 year old who has Aspergers - its hectic! Brother lives a mile away, no kids, his wife doesn't work - so he sends her up to Dad a few times a week when he's in work. Now they're "wonderful" for doing this. I know they both know how much money he's got in savings so that's the motivation there.

Dad tells me this all the time. I'm sure he thinks it'll convince me to be as "wonderful" as them. Does my chunk in as the saying is.

BUT, as with you, I've seen the other side. If it suits him, he'll bad mouth someone else. In the past I've had "can't rely on your brother I don't know who is going to help me". Approach from the other side, as in, hes useless you're so good to me etc.

p123 · July 26, 2022, 04:55:49 AM

Lily - I would say though, I get the "illness" things all the time. I ignore it now. You've got to or you're head will explode.
Every week I get a different ailment and "worse pain I've ever had". For something different every week.....

Dad does have arthritis but doesn't take all his painkillers because "I don't want to get addicted". Even though the doctor said don't worry.
Not my circus not my monkeys then is it?

Best one was hayfever. Yeh its not nice of course. Had a few days last summer where he swore he was dying and had to call an ambulance. For hayfever? I used to get wound up now I just say "yeh up to you if you think you need an ambulance".

Don't get me wrong every phone call I dread but now I just say "Oh right" or "Dunno" or "speak to your doctor". Not that he can hear what I say. One of my things is when he starts talking crap to just mutter "not interested" "no chance" and keep repeating it (or sometimes I used swear words). He can't hear a thing..... Its so therapeutic and stops me taking the conversation seriously. I talk to him now, mess about like this, then its ended and I forget about it.

Lilyloo · July 26, 2022, 07:53:22 AM

p123, Yes, if they are doing exactly as our parent wants they are 'wonderful' Whoever is being the dutiful child at the time. I relate to everything you said here!

My mother can't hear either. The repeating and having to shout on the phone is awful! I like that you said some curse words! LOL!! I was about to punch the wall, but thought better of it

Thank you for your reply

and yes, the health stuff is insane!!

p123 · July 26, 2022, 11:01:13 AM

Quote from: Lilyloo on July 26, 2022, 07:53:22 AM
p123, Yes, if they are doing exactly as our parent wants they are 'wonderful' Whoever is being the dutiful child at the time. I relate to everything you said here!

My mother can't hear either. The repeating and having to shout on the phone is awful! I like that you said some curse words! LOL!! I was about to punch the wall, but thought better of it

Thank you for your reply

and yes, the health stuff is insane!!

Ha ha Lily don't hurt your hand lol.

Yeh Dad can't hear a thing on the phone. Will he go see about his hearing aid. Nope - it might mean he'd have to spend a little money so not happening. Doesn't stop him saying "can you do x because I can't hear that well on the phone". Nope you refuse to sort your hearing aid - on your own big man.

Hes now started "I get flustered on the phone and not sure whats going on". Yep again nice try - you don't know whats going on because you can't hear. Lets go back to square one is it?

Lilyloo · July 29, 2022, 01:55:56 AM

LOL! Mother requested not to be put in the dining room with her husband ( my stepdad) he gets on her nerves. . He can't feed himself so she let him spill all his food all over the floor while she ate and didn't lift a finger to help him. Now she wants out of the dining room. She will eat in her room. Selfish woman!! She bragged for months about going to the nursing home to feed him dinner every evening. She had to tell everyone of her good deed.. suddenly now that she's sitting beside him she refuses to help him. My sister in law works in the medical doctors office part of the facility. She knows what goes on. I'm taking a long break. The nastiness of my mother is taking over my mind. I can't even speak of it again for awhile. Thank you friends 💓

traumakorma · August 02, 2022, 03:26:26 AM

It's just yuck isn't it. I have two grown children and feel repulsed by the idea of playing them off against each other. I hope i have brought them up to recognise that as the downright nasty manipulation it is and call it out. The heart of it is the entitlement they feel to attention. PD parents are adept at using our emotions against us. They must think they've won the lottery when they have a child and can see how easy it is to pull at this string and that string to get the desired response. I cut those strings!