Why does my mother do this on holidays?

[easterncappy]

Christmas, birthdays, names days, mother's day... literally all have a script. Christmas is the worst, to the point that I'm not sure we're ever going to celebrate it in our home (despite my mother telling me my entire life that it's my favorite holiday), but all of them have a script.

In short, nothing I do is good enough. I call late. I didn't get a nice enough gift (when I was younger I used to rack up credit card debt trying to keep up with the gift olympics). I'm not enthusiastic enough. I don't appreciate her. So on and so forth... even on holidays that don't just apply to her, for example in her mind mother's day doesn't apply to me even though I'm also a mother. This year I called a bit later than she would have wanted and she immediately started crying and accusing me of being a terrible person. Although at my age, I just tell her that if she wants to be upset, she can be, then she can call me back when she's done if she wants to. Today was a minor holiday in my culture (for lack of a better description) and she did the same thing, except I didn't even want to call her because I was spending the day with people who are actually pleasant to be around.

I don't know what the intention of this behavior is. It seems like we can't have a holiday where there isn't also drama. I could buy her $1000 of gifts (and I used to!), I could spend the whole day with her, I could make her homemade meals and cakes... and the outcome is the same as if I didn't do any of it at all. Years and years of this has just pushed me away and made me dread when these days come. I get panic attacks every December because I know what's coming, I can't even put into words how much of my childhood trauma came specifically from the winter holidays. I don't even celebrate my own birthday because I'm scared of turning into her.

What does she think she is going to accomplish with this? I gave up a long time ago. I'm working on cutting contact entirely but in the mean time, this is so exhausting.

[sunshine702]

Holidays are super duper dis functional in PD households.  Yes nothing is ever good enough.  No gift is ever enough.  No thank you and your welcome is ever enough.  Ever.

Yep it is so hurtful and painful.   I have story after story as well.   I say to myself a lot - I sent it with a pure heart if she wants to enjoy it or throw it out it is on her.   The manipulations are endless and some holidays I rise above and other I am hurt. 

[SunnyMeadow]

My mom did this on holidays too. It didn't matter how nice I tried to make the occasion, she'd have tears over something. It took years for me to see this. I thought people were really picking on her or something.

As time went on, I figured she wasn't getting enough attention. The holiday, gifts or other people having perfectly normal conversations were the focus of the day so she needed to cause drama to get the attention back where it belonged.

[Leonor]

Oh, because she is broken.

I would like to share an idea that my therapist suggested when I first began to emerge from the pain and work on my healing.

Don't go home for Christmas.

I was like 

And then 

And then  .

But I did it. Not that year, but I did it. When I realized my Christmas PTSD started flaring up before Halloween, I did it.

And when I told my therapist that dh and I had decided to travel instead (for a job convention, broke, and I was a miserable 8 mos pregnant), she threw her hands up in the air and said, "Free at last! Free at last!"

You might not be there. Not now, or yet. That's fine. You are exactly where you need to be. And later you might need to be somewhere entirety different.

But you will, I promise, one day wake up on Christmas and throw your hands in the air and say, "Free at last!"

[easterncappy]

Oh, because she is broken.

I would like to share an idea that my therapist suggested when I first began to emerge from the pain and work on my healing.

Don't go home for Christmas.

I was like 

And then 

And then  .

But I did it. Not that year, but I did it. When I realized my Christmas PTSD started flaring up before Halloween, I did it.

And when I told my therapist that dh and I had decided to travel instead (for a job convention, broke, and I was a miserable 8 mos pregnant), she threw her hands up in the air and said, "Free at last! Free at last!"

You might not be there. Not now, or yet. That's fine. You are exactly where you need to be. And later you might need to be somewhere entirety different.

But you will, I promise, one day wake up on Christmas and throw your hands in the air and say, "Free at last!"

Sounds familiar... last year, I started to have panic attacks shortly after Halloween too. I think it's because despite none of us being from a background where Thanksgiving is celebrated, she decided to add it to the repetoire of "me me me me me holidays" (my American friends and relatives get a kick out of what she thinks a Thanksgiving celebration is like). I was already in the habit of spending months panicking about what I was going to get her for Christmas and if it'd be good enough and all of the sudden, there was another one to worry about. She still talks about how I ruined one Thanksgiving by not wanting to eat meat, but she never brings up that time my dad broke a TV, his glasses, and his phone in a drunken fit of anger on Thanksgiving and made me drive around with him replacing those items on Black Friday, I guess that doesn't count as ruining anything.

I don't plan on spending any of the upcoming holiday season with her this year. I'm going to have a newborn and quite frankly, I can't afford the holiday charade this time around. I straight up have an aversion to even just the aesthetic of it all. I don't want to see Christmas themed anything (again - my mother really tried to hammer it into my head that it's my favorite holiday) and I am going to have to skip out for a couple of years. The idea of December 25th just being another normal, uneventful day makes me buzz with excitement. Hopefully by the time my daughter is old enough to start remembering holidays I will be able to push through and get a tree, some lights, etc. but for now, I need a break from it all.

Just gonna turn my phone off on those days. Luckily between holidays everyone celebrates and holidays common in my culture/religion, we have a couple of months to not deal with this crap since there's nothing coming up anytime soon. Lol

[Andeza]

Because they are broken, and watching us in a tizzy trying to fix stuff is their most favorite pastime. We moved far far away from my uBPDm years and years ago. Before going NC with her, every time I called her for any holiday well wishes she would make the comment "I was starting to wonder if you were going to call!" Sounding very accusatory. Welp, now I don't call. Problem solved. It was completely beyond her ability to understand that we, as grown adults, might have a bunch of other stuff going on on the holiday.

There is also the fact that they must make drama on all Holidays and birthdays, etc, because they must always be in the spotlight.

[Cat of the Canals]

Because they are broken, and watching us in a tizzy trying to fix stuff is their most favorite pastime.

This. There was a reason you used to spend thousands on gifts for her: you were trying to stave off the criticism you knew was inevitable. PDs keep us in a constant loop of thinking, Maybe if I try extra hard... Maybe if I go above and beyond... Maybe if I call twice a week instead of once... Maybe if I buy her MORE gifts than last year... Maybe if I spend all day with her...

They make it clear that we haven't done enough, so we try to do more. But there is no "enough." And all we really end up accomplishing is reinforcing that their criticism works on us. So they're going to keep doing it to get more. Always more.

Why do they do it on holidays? With both my PDmom and PDmil, they can go weeks and months at a time being entirely indifferent about us. It's only when they run out of other things to do or something triggers a reminder of us that they suddenly NEED resources from us. Once my mother decides she wants to talk to me, she'll call and text incessantly until I pick up or call her back. It's like a switch has been flipped. I think holidays are one of those triggers. Plus, most holidays come with all sorts of so-called tradition and ritual. It's TRADITION to see FAMILY on HOLIDAYS. To a PD that means "you have to." It's the obligation to end all obligations.

[Pepin]

I think it is best to excuse yourself from any upcoming holidays.  I've never been able to understand why abusers insist that we celebrate on their terms the way it has always been done -- refusing to allow change or other suggestions about holidays as families grow.  I know, it is all about control for them.  They don't like to see us having a good time or enjoying ourselves.  They are a killjoy and nothing else.

My father ruined most holidays.  It was a strict and authoritarian type of environment that he created and we had to stick to his script or else he'd have a tantrum and then retreat into the silent treatment.

With CN MIL, she basically ignored what we wanted to do and found a way to insert herself.  Over the years she'd start asking earlier and earlier what our plans would be around the holidays -- which really wasn't fair considering that we hadn't thought that far ahead -- and then we'd get locked into hosting her and it would suck - I think she just wanted us to be miserable and no doubt when she was dutifully driven home afterwards, I'm sure after closing her front door she'd laugh and know she'd won.  DH couldn't see what she did though....he was shrouded in guilt for her about her life and how she lived it.  He spun his wheels relentlessly trying to make things easier and better for her and she just couldn't grasp that.  She's gone now and I'm optimistic that our holidays will be better and more neutral -- the way they should have been in the first place. 

[JustKathy]

I get panic attacks every December because I know what's coming,

I used to start having severe migraines in the fall, followed by increased anxiety and panic attacks, all in anticipation of my Nmother's Christmas "event." Christmas was always at her house. Always. My siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins... everyone came to HER. When I moved out of state I made the seven-hour drive to get to my parent's house for Christmas. I never even thought about not going. I was conditioned to show up.

One day I went to my doctor about the migraines and told her about the holiday stress. She told me if the stress continued, something bad would happen to me, health-wise. Not long after that I went NC and stopped going.

Ending the Christmas charade came with a price. Nmother came undone and acted out, sending me gag gifts and nasty letters for Christmas. Still, her antics were so laughable I was able to shrug them off and enjoy a stress-free holiday in my own home. Her childish games were worth dealing with because I was, as Leonor said, "Free at last." You may not be ready to walk away yet, but one day you will be, and you'll feel so much better for it.

Sending you healing hugs and strength....

[p123]

Oh jeez don't me going on holidays......

Every Xmas day I used to drive 25 miles pick day up. Take him back to our place.
He'd moan he wanted to be collected at 10am and I'd say "yes when the kids have opened the presents". He'd moan "well you don't need to be there".

He'd get to our house. He'd fake he was SO ill and couldnt walk - he always does this he likes to make sure everyone knows how ill he is. He'd upset my entire family with stupid comments, stupid stories or just general bigoted behaviour. If any of my cats went near him he'd pretty much scream "Arrgggghh get the cat away from me!"

In the end, Xmas days no more. I used to get SO STRESSED he was coming over...... Now I like xmas