I'm tired of the fight

[pianissimo]

These days, everything is feeling a bit too much. There has been tension at work. Up until now, I tried to keep myself out of whatever dispute there was. I didn't want to be caught up in anything. Since I started working here, there is always some kind of tension. So, I tried to be practical, I did what I was supposed to do at work, and stayed out of other people's business. But, my strategy hasn't secured peace for me. I feel threatened. It feels like, I might become the one the drama unfolds around, and, I don't feel like dealing with any of this. And, the aggression seems unfair. I made such a great effort to stay out of radar. I could go into detail, but I'm just so tired of it all. I am at this point I dread upcoming work meetings (they are quarterly). I think that there is a degree of abuse in place. It's not like I can't take it, but I'm just so tired of all this tension. What makes this hard for me is, I have been struggling with my work, and it seems like people at work are prepared to hit on that spot as some kind of weakness. Disengaging doesn't seem like an option. I have to weather whatever bs they are setting up. It might be just talk, but then it causes stress. This feels so unfair, I don't want to go to work meetings feeling like I might be attacked. I'm also noticing my mind feels like slipping into coping mechanisms, but, at this point, they just remind me of the past abuse (as they were developed then).  I suppose what makes this hard is, as a child, I hoped I could end it all when I grew up, and I'm still dealing with a version of the same abuse. Sigh...

[justducky]

That does sound tedious and exhausting. I'm sorry you have to spend so much time in that environment.

Is it possible to MC them?  That and disengaging like you have been are the best two options I can think of.

[pianissimo]

I'm actually not spending much time with them, and I still become exposed to some degree of abuse.  I think I will become even less involved in the future. For example, in work meetings, I might just space out. They might still scapegoat me for it but this might be preferable. Talking doesn't seem safe.

[justducky]

 

I wish I could say or do something helpful. Know that I hear you and sympathize.

[pianissimo]

Thanks, justducky, what you said was helpful, and thanks for the hug, it really helps to talk about these things here

[pianissimo]

I am back here becauase I'm ruminating about the work meeting this week. I feel fear and anger. I think I was targeted to react in a certain way in the meeting. I regret treating the issue at hand as professional, because the direction of the discussion showed it was about me. Weirdly, I think I did OK. I'm guessing I responded out ethical principles, and I think they weren't expect me to take that angle, but they made the point I raised about the tone of my voice. It's possible I annoyed them as much as they annoyed me (the boss needed a drink to get over the debate, then argument with me). But, it's possible since then I am in fight mode. I can't sleep. I think about what else I could have told them or what I would tell them if I encountered them. I wonder if I'm having a gut response too. I felt angry without realizing they were subtly making the issue about me, and from there on, it's like my body is rejecting being around them.
Anyway, it feels weird to say but I think there was subtle abuse. I am partially glad I am reacting strongly. I wish I could trust myself to deal with this in case it happens again or live with the fact that these kinds of things are beyond my control. But, then, there will be another meeting in two months, and we basically argued about an abusive practice in place for the meeting (a performance evaluation for everybody to witness), and the next abuse is already scheduled.

[pianissimo]

So, I woke up, and, as soon as I opened my eyes, I was back to ruminating. This kept going, but, my ruminating mind pointed out to a possible way to deal with this.

I could take my headphones to the next meeting, and move to the back of the conference room, and turn my back (there is a spot to sit there) when the section about what I perceive as the practice of naming and shaming people at work for their output begins. I might let people know before the meeting my intention to give them time to process what is about to come, and I could tell them that I thought about the practice during summer, and decided it's morally corrupt, and because I will likely to be the object of the practice, I will be protecting myself from it by removing myself from the conversation, that I won't be leaving the meeting because it's beyond my limits (apparently we are obliged to attend).

In my mind, this plays out pleasantly. It might look funny, and I would welcome it if they laughed, or thought of it as something crazy. Because, I just don't want to sit through that kind of practice, and I want my objection to be known. This would offend them, and it would work for me if if they took the offense by ridiculing me.

I guess, in the last work meeting, something that upset me was that they relied on shame to prevent any objection. It's like, "If we shame you in the meeting, it's because of your failure". So, there was no room for a "No, I don't want to be evaluated in front of everyone like this". So, when I objected, it felt difficult, I felt the shame they were pushing my way.

Doing this could get me in more trouble, but this is a hill I would die on. And to me, this is the mildest way to stand against it. I simply can't sit through that kind of nonsense. The other good thing about this kind of response is, if I was on the "winners" side, I would still hate it when others were framed as "losers" or "those who haven't worked enough" or "those who shirked", but I wouldn't be able to do anything meaningful, and what I said wouldn't count. But, the practice is targeting me personally, and it's giving me an opportunity to do something more effective.

I know this is still engaging with them, but I think I would prefer to be beaten down to receive this kind of abuse. I think I would prefer the abuse for not falling in line with this kind of practice to the abuse of the practice itself.

But, of course, I don't know what I would do when the time comes. But coming up with a plan like this stops me from ruminating. I already feel better that there is an option.

This response might look aggressive, and you might think "Wow, pianissimo, it seems like you are the one with the problem". Perhaps I'm overreacting, but I don't think I would be burning any bridges if I did this. Removing myself from the environment this way feels healthy, well, for me. From the last meeting, it seems like they aren't interested in what I have to say, they did that narcissistic smirk when I raised objection.

At this point, I'm using this thread to think aloud. I hope that's OK.

[nanotech]

I do understand it's frustrating
I've been in a meeting where all of a sudden my competence began to get discussed.
I was sitting right there, and it was as if I were invisible.
I looked at my colleague, who was also being discussed negatively. She didn't meet my eyes, which told me she wasn't going to challenge it.
I should have objected, but I just sat there!

A few weeks later, the  evidence this discussion was based on was found to be wrong.  A letter from the authority came, explaining this and saying there was no problem with the class reading levels after all.
Pleased, I took the letter to the headteacher and head of year. They absolutely wouldn't acknowledge it beyond 'ok' - they really didn't  want to know.  They didn't want the school governors to be re-consulted.
I didn't stay long at that school. This was a temporary post anyway.
There was much corruption going on.
I do remember that any time I queried stuff, I was called 'not a team player'. The fact is, I loved teaching kids but I was hopeless at all the staff politics.
It's so difficult. I think if it were me, I'd want to hear the whole meeting so at least then you have a right of reply to what's said.

[pianissimo]

I do understand it's frustrating
I've been in a meeting where all of a sudden my competence began to get discussed.
I was sitting right there, and it was as if I were invisible.
I looked at my colleague, who was also being discussed negatively. She didn't meet my eyes, which told me she wasn't going to challenge it.
I should have objected, but I just sat there!

Probably this was the safe option at that moment, our body knows what's right before we do.

I think these kinds of work environments are bad for anybody who wants to do their job right. In your case, it was so undeserved. Plus, a mishap or reduced performance is not an excuse to humiliate people that way.

I envy you that you could get away.

It's summer term now, so I have reduced contact with work. I'm thinking of taking some time off in September so that I can be away on the day of the work meeting. We'll see what happens...

[nanotech]

I do understand it's frustrating
I've been in a meeting where all of a sudden my competence began to get discussed.
I was sitting right there, and it was as if I were invisible.
I looked at my colleague, who was also being discussed negatively. She didn't meet my eyes, which told me she wasn't going to challenge it.
I should have objected, but I just sat there!

Probably this was the safe option at that moment, our body knows what's right before we do.

I think these kinds of work environments are bad for anybody who wants to do their job right. In your case, it was so undeserved. Plus, a mishap or reduced performance is not an excuse to humiliate people that way.

I envy you that you could get away.

It's summer term now, so I have reduced contact with work. I'm thinking of taking some time off in September so that I can be away on the day of the work meeting. We'll see what happens...

T
Okay. Thanks for your kind words.  Yes you're right - even if the criticism was fair, it wasn't ethical to discuss it in that public way.
I did try to stay on at the job because I loved teaching and I needed the income. However wheels were in motion to replace me with someone more compliant.  I just couldn't navigate all the mind games in the end.
Good luck whatever you decide. Xx

[bee well]

I agree with this quote: "I think these kinds of work environments are bad for anybody who wants to do their job right. In your case, it was so undeserved. Plus, a mishap or reduced performance is not an excuse to humiliate people that way."

Pianissimo, you talk about the "naming and shaming" and the fight response. That can be a useful tool when used to resist the shaming messages that are sent our way. (Resisting the negative messages that remain in our head. I'm working on generating that response.) But it's hard, in situations like these we can't afford to be totally passive, but it can be difficult to just neutrally communicate the information and stop when we engage with them.

I hope Summer will be a time when you can recharge a little and focus on personal interests and self care. You deserve it!

[pianissimo]

Thanks Bee Well,

Pianissimo, you talk about the "naming and shaming" and the fight response. That can be a useful tool when used to resist the shaming messages that are sent our way. (Resisting the negative messages that remain in our head. I'm working on generating that response.) But it's hard, in situations like these we can't afford to be totally passive, but it can be difficult to just neutrally communicate the information and stop when we engage with them.

I think that the best way to deal with abuse is to notice and avoid it. It comes our way disguised and catches us unprepared. I don't think we can learn anything from it. Plus, I think our nature is wired to respond to abuse by getting stressed. I'm thinking of just making myself unavailable whenever I can, perhaps go away more often. I don't want to think of it as something that can improve me in any way. It will be bad, and I will suffer.

Thanks bee well, summer break has already helped. I hope you have a good one too because you too!