A sadness has overtaken me

[Lilyloo]

I did not want it this way with my mother.    How sad that my two brothers and I are talking the negative and nothing positive.  I think to myself, why?  Its a disorder I know, but does she not see how mean she is.  Its our fault, her children who made her life miserable (her words to me in a fit of rage)  I'm no longer angry, but I've not felt this kind of sadness . Its a dark cloud. THE FOG!  The years before they die should be calmer.  I kept hoping it would change.

I want to have a cold harsh heart!  I don't want to feel anything.  Those phone calls I made to her during her hospital stay, and the nursing home....each time my mind said 'this is good. you can be the good daughter'  I went into them feeling good, having hope. Instead the bitter, angry mother kept emerging a bit more on each call.  The last call was so crazy,  so full of anger from her. 

I'd love for her to be back home, keeping it clean as a home should be, loving her cat, sitting on her porch.  I offered to clean for 10 years! Nope, she would not let me or anyone clean.. I offered to get her groceries, nope!!

Everyone, my children, my husband says "stay away"  I guess you have to experience it to see, to know the deep pain and feelings and thoughts that won't stay quite.

We are farmers and today I am canning beets. I tried to stop my mind. I put on soothing music as I work, ( josh Grobans, THE PRAYER) is playing now.  but all that's happened is my mind going back over the years, tears, sadness, wanting it to have been different. looking out my kitchen window and wishing for a peaceful day. Wishing for a call that had love not bitterness.

"I pray you'll be our eyes and watch us as we go, and help us to be wise, in times that we don't know. Let this be our prayer when we lose our way. Lead us to a place guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe"

Thanks for listening.  I make no sense I know!  If only I were strong not weak

[treesgrowslowly]

Lilyloo,

There is a strength in allowing yourself to grieve for what you wish you had right now. The call that is loving and not painful.

How much art and music would we have in the world to enjoy if people did not allow themselves to feel their grief and loss?

Hang in there and keep posting here.

I also find music very helpful. I am sorry you are going through a lot right now.

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs to you.

[Sneezy]

I'm sorry, Lily - it is just not right.  I was lucky to have good and loving relationships with my dad, my grandparents, and my aunt.  I think when I was growing up, everyone could sense there was something "different" about my mom.  And even though they wouldn't have been able to name it, or even describe it, they stepped in for me and my siblings and gave us the love my mom couldn't seem to give.  But, that is still no substitute for a mother's love.  And that is what we feel, deep down.  The one person who should be there, with unconditional love, forever.  And she just can't (or won't or maybe it's a combination of the two).  It hurts.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you everyone. I feel embarrassed to have posted such a wimpy topic.  I need to toughen up and not let emotions and my overblown sensitivity rule my life. I can guarantee my mother is not sitting in that NH feeling all teary and sad about me.  My middle brother said yesterday " she f'd all 4 of us up"  true true true!!   Not one more minute wasted on sadness about her!!  Thanks friends for being so kind

[bee well]

Hi Lily Loo,

I'm sorry. It's not right and it hurts. There's nothing wrong for wishing for what we have never had. As Trees wrote:

"There is a strength in allowing yourself to grieve for what you wish you had right now. The call that is loving and not painful.

How much art and music would we have in the world to enjoy if people did not allow themselves to feel their grief and loss?"

Canning is an art. I visualize you putting up the beets, and hope that physical action coould bring a feeling of catharsis. (I don't however have any assumptions about the conditions surrounding that.It would be highly personal for you.)

Not sure what else to say but to repeat myself, and  yes, it hurts. A lot of that pain is not even yours it's hers. It's so unjust.

Your feelings could eventually bring relief, if you let them pass through. That's my subjective opinion, no advice to give at the moment. Wishing you peace.

[bee well]

Lilyloo, you wrote:

" I feel embarrassed to have posted such a wimpy topic.  I need to toughen up and not let emotions and my overblown sensitivity rule my life. I can guarantee my mother is not sitting in that NH feeling all teary and sad about me.  My middle brother said yesterday " she f'd all 4 of us up"  true true true!!   Not one more minute wasted on sadness about her"

It was courageous of you to post your topic. There are countless people who are f'ed up by their families. IMHO that doesn't translate to an obligation to just "suck it up." You're feeings are yours...From personal experience authentic sharing can feel quite uncomfortable. For many of us it's because we were rarely if ever encouraged to share our feelings. Sadness is not a waste, it's an acknowlegment of hurt or betrayal. We know it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves now, but that doesn't come with an obligation to bury old feelings. In the best of conditions we can work with them and come through to the other side.

A hug to you, Lily Loo.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you everyone. I feel embarrassed to have posted such a wimpy topic.  I need to toughen up and not let emotions and my overblown sensitivity rule my life. I can guarantee my mother is not sitting in that NH feeling all teary and sad about me.  My middle brother said yesterday " she f'd all 4 of us up"  true true true!!   Not one more minute wasted on sadness about her!!  Thanks friends for being so kind

I agree that it's best not to let emotions rule your life BUT that doesn't mean you can just not have the emotions. I think many of us with disordered parents (mothers, particularly) weren't able to have our own emotions as children and weren't shown how to manage our emotions. In my case I now have a hair-trigger anger/fight-flight response which is tough to deal with but I am trying. A friend of mine who is a psychologist once said to me that people make too much effort not to feel their emotions if they are unpleasant. He said we need to learn to recognise and accept the emotions, maybe sit with them a while until they fade, rather than trying to squash and ignore them.

I think that by posting what you did, you were doing exactly what he advised. We're all friends here, and we all understand. So be kind to yourself. We can't always help our sadness, even if it does feel like a waste. But really, the sadness is for you and not about her. You deserve to have your bad treatment acknowledged, even if only by you, and that comes with a certain amount of sadness. Rightly so. Mothers should not treat their children like that.

[moglow]

Lilyloo, I believe that that we apologize for our feelings because we were made to feel less-than, unheard, overlooked, unwanted, etc. It's not a matter of needing to toughen up or believe that we're over sensitive, but we're finally FEELING those things we shut down for so many years. But why apologize for simply being who we are?? What did stuffing it all down do for us?

Trees said so well: "There is a strength in allowing yourself to grieve for what you wish you had right now. The call that is loving and not painful.

How much art and music would we have in the world to enjoy if people did not allow themselves to feel their grief and loss?"

I hope you can learn to stop apologizing or at least stop to consider what you're apologizing for - you don't have to do that, you know. Maybe start here, where you're among people who get it.

Have a blessed day.

[Lilyloo]

 I sit here overwhelmed with emotion.   I am truly grateful for your kind  replies.  Its all so spot on!  I do believe that we squash our pain by believing we were never good enough, and never allowed to be heard.   You are all helping me see it's ok to be sad, to own the pain, and take care of our own needs for a change.    I hate conflict so I guess it was easier taking the blame by saying I'm sorry. I always felt like such a bother.

Isn't it crap the way it follows us from childhood through all stages of our lives.   Plus dealing with a bitter elderly mother who expects her kids to shape up and take care of her really messes with my mind...anger, guilt, sadness, the need to run away.....you all know about those emotions. I'm telling myself she's at the NH and they will deal with her. God Bless them!!!

Thank You Everyone!!  I would like to reply to each of you, but feeling drained today.   Be sure you know, I read your thoughts many times over and think you are all amazing!!