Mum dying

[Marianne]

I was the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. My mum could be so loving, but there was  also so much bad stuff. I know she was very shameful and frightened underneath. It was all defense.

I have been angry. But before she died I decided to forgive all. After which she did something tiny but weird again.

Context: she defended every single abuser of mine, blamed me in weird ways, even just for leaving someone who mistreated me horribly. A month before her death I finally succeeded in recognising someone with seeming cluster b traits, love bombing and subtle boundary crossing. Early. And set a boundary, quit all contact. I was anxious but proud.

I told mum. An hour later she called me with some weird excuse to visit the shop of the guy I just went no contact with. "Could you please get me such a nice pie from there?"

It seemed like an innocent question, and it was asked in a honeysweet voice. But I thought: wtf? Why are you sending me back? It seemed to be on purpose.

All the bizar games she played came back. And all my anger. I tried to be kind - she was dying. But she did know I was angry.

There was no good goodbye.

I felt horribly guilty.

Especially because it was so tiny - but it referred to a lifetime of unsafety and manipulation.

Just wanted to share. I still don't know what to think of her.

[looloo]

It's not tiny to use your last breaths, your last precious moments on earth with your child, to choose to inflict pain.  To let your child know that this is literally the hill you're willing to die on.  When offered the opportunity for tenderness and mercy, to choose cruelty as a last act says everything you need to know.

[NarcKiddo]

She can't hurt you any more.

Processing the past may be painful at times. It may seem like you can't control the pain, but you can if you are kind to yourself.

Hugs.

[Pepin]

A month before her death I finally succeeded in recognising someone with seeming cluster b traits, love bombing and subtle boundary crossing. Early.

This is a tremendous personal growth - whether realized sooner or later - and it will help guide you as you move forward.  I am so sorry for your loss, a loss that transcends many levels over time.

It's not tiny to use your last breaths, your last precious moments on earth with your child, to choose to inflict pain.  To let your child know that this is literally the hill you're willing to die on.  When offered the opportunity for tenderness and mercy, to choose cruelty as a last act says everything you need to know.

Sadly, I watched this unfold with DH's mother as well.  As a mother myself, I'm internally devastated that she had the capacity to behave the way that she did at her end.  I'm dumbstruck, really.  Will DH ever understand the magnitude of her final wishes and what led her down that path?  Time will tell...

Recognizing the dysfunction is truly the greatest "gift" we can give ourselves as we heal. 

[Marianne]

Thanks you both.

I have been thinking about my mum a lot the last days. I feel differently now, more compassionate. More guilty. More sad.

What she did was weird. I don't think it was meant in a cruel way though. She had a lot of covert hostility, because she was very traumatized and didn't dare be assertive. It didn't fit the image of the perfectly loving mother she wished to be. She was either explosive or covertly agressive. I constantly wondered what she was up to. 

But I suspect this time she was trying to help me in the misguided way of someone who never really learned good boundaries herself. I had a fight-response to her covert and explosive aggression. Which was wrong too. It made her conclude I was always the perpetrator, she the victim. Even when I was a little kid. She was too ashamed to see her own perpetrator role. Or my soft and vulnerable side, my victim side. So she concluded I was always the bad guy. And always overly frightened and running away from people for no reason. From her, from my ex, from a colleague. That she abused me, ex threatened kidnappning my kid and killing me, and colleague sexually intimidated me...didn't really seem to fit into the picture of me in her mind. In her thinking, I suspect I was mean to and frightened of perfectly loving people. I suspect she indirectly tried to force me to overcome my fear. And obviously my fear DID get too big. It was justified that I left, but a traumatic panic attack was unneeded. And thinking he was extremely scary was unneeded as well, there was just an unhealthy dynamic between us both, both being hurt people.   

Mum had real indirect ways of communicating, because of her traumas. It complicated everything. "I'm angry, because..." is a lot less unsafe and unpredictable than sneaky stuff. "I think you should confront your fears" is a lot less scary and unsafe than making vague moves to push you in someones direction and coming up with three different excuses afterwards.

I'm terribly sad about mum though.

I think she also was a highly sensitive, empathic and loving person inside. She was just terribly traumatized. My fighting back against her hostility and trying to bring that to the light, only made it worse. For both. I harmed her too. I should have seen the abused and vulnerable little girl she was hiding inside. Treated her softly, gently, healed her. Accepted her. So she dared be real again.

I send her a Rainer Maria Rilke quote before she died: "perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." I genuinely felt she was vulnerable, even if she covered that up with anger. I think she wished deeply for my love. I wish I could have given her that. I felt too unsafe with her. Too unforgiving.

On the other hand...maybe as a mother, it was her role to see the helpless little girl in me, when I was - actually - a vulnerable little girl who was being abused.

I just so very much wished that I could have brought her real self back though. It would have healed us all. 

[Marianne]

And there was love too, on her deathbed. There were good moments. Hands held. I wrote her a loving card, that she cherised and put in her diary. I brought her a little angel. She send me a deeply loving song. There were attempts, of us both, to bridge the pain.

I think on her deathbed both sides of our relationship came up...the anger, the love. Our goodbye was exactly like the rest of our relationship: split.

I hate myself that I wasn't capable of healing that. Making it whole. Forgiving her. Making her feel loved, good enough. I should have. Somehow.

I also feel responsible for her death. She had cancer. Cancer seems to be related to trauma and suppressed emotions. She was very hurt because I crashed so hard in trauma and felt so unsafe and angry with her. And she was so angry with me, and tried to suppress that. Had I been capable of healing myself, she may not have gotten cancer.

[NarcKiddo]

Marianne, please try to be kind to yourself.

There was love. Hold onto that.

The truth is we probably all could do more for the PDs in our lives - but at what cost? And is it right? And would it have the desired results?

Many of us here have a lifetime of difficulties behind us, and I'm sure we all did our best in very difficult circumstances. Both us and them. Even her. Even my mother. I can accept that my mother may mean well but that does not mean she does well. And nothing I do can or will change that. Every time I have thought things were improving and let my guard down a bit she oversteps.

Whatever the history of your relationship, you are NOT responsible for her death. You are NOT responsible for her cancer. And you are NOT responsible for her failings.

Hugs.

[Marianne]

Thanks....

I still wish I had done more.

She made it hard. She seemed to want me to idealize her, as the others all did. To love her perfect-mum-mask. But that's not love, in my book. She kind of demanded I deny the dark side of her personality, and take all the blame for it. Which I tried. But failed at. Because that's not authentic love. I wish I could have recovered from the darker side, so that I could have given her unconditional love and forgiveness, which I don't think she knew. I wish I had been able. Had I first acknowledged her hostility and stupidities, and then felt how hurtful that was, and then still loved her...that might have healed her. And me. Because I would have seen the real her, and loved that.

It was not only my responsibility, she herself made it near impossible. But still.

I think the guard-down-thing was why I overreacted. I tried to let my guard down now and then...as a kid, as a teen, as an adult. She'd trample allover me. I purposefully chose to let my guard down before she died. Multiple times. Forgive and forget. She immediately tried to manoeuvre me back into a situation that made me feel unsafe. It was so tiny, but I felt so vulnerable...and so unsafe with her for my vulnerability. Just really brought all the stuff back...that I just pushed away, and didn't heal, because I felt obliged (by her and myself) to unsee it. Rather than see and genuinely forgive it.

She did try really, really hard, I do think. I think a lot of the unsafe actions were actually her trying too hard...like trying to suppress her anger, but then it came out in all sorts of stupid covert ways, that were more scary. I feel as a Christian I should have done differently. I should have made her feel she was loved as she was, even while being non-perfect.

What I'm most sad about, is that I do the same to my kid. I'm not being hostile to him, I don't blame him. But in another way, I'm unsafe to him. Like I got frightened and needed to go to hospital. Or he sensed I was angry at my dad. I saw him let his guard down, and then be disappointed. I'm fighting superhard to do better. But I hate myself for it. And I hate my parents for it as well...I think this is what made me most angry of all...every time my son would let his guard down towards me....my parents would either come inbetween, or try to destabilize me, or try and convince him I was evil. I am angry at them for that, most of all things, because it was one of the deepest ways to hurt both my son and me. And I'm angry at myself for letting that happen. Not having more resilience against it. I'm fighting hard to correct this...and hope my son can be healed.

Somehow I feel that if I had forgiven mum, she had healed, and I had healed, and dad and my son and my brothers and everyone had healed...all because I would have forgiven. As I should have, as a Christian. Maybe that's an illusion, a children's fantasy of the blissfully perfect family, that my mum also probably wanted. But still I think it might have worked out like that.

[Marianne]

Thought about it. Was wrong. After recognizing my parents were hurtful to us, I always feel guilt and shame, and that I should have solved it. It was induced from childhood whenever I even set the slightest boundary. But I tried all I could, at the cost of myself and my kid. It's enough. They could have made the choice to respect our boundaries. To be honest and seek help. My guilt should be (and is) towards my son. As is my will to heal myself and him.

I'd like for the relationship with my mum to have been different, but it's too late. I'd like for the relationship with my dad to be different, but there is two people needed for that. It's enough. First me and my kid.