Now what? Let the games begin

[falsebalance2]

I'm really in uncharted waters.

For years updh stbx has set me up like a wind up toy and enjoyed watching me flounder.

He had me thinking I was losing my mind with the gaslighting and passive agression.
I went to a therapist once thinking I had a massive disorder and she seemed to almost laugh at the idea when my huge issues turned out to be feeling extremely isolated and lonely. I did start to believe worse things must have happened to me as a child because I was desperately trying to stay in denial that updh was anything but the knight in shining armor. But I came through that dark mental cloud (in SPITE of him) and got stronger and stronger over two years and finally saw him for what he is. The wolf in sheeps clothing.

I remember the day I told him "You haven't really done anything to help me heal all these years. I gave you so much credit...You were just here. I did all the healing. I did it without your help." - The look on his face was one of "Oh. Crap." His jaw hung open.

shortly after is when he asked for 6 months to lose weight and if I still wanted out I could go. (2 months left). He did start losing weight. He blamed me for not being happy and not being able to lose weight - so he said let him go live his own life and work out and maybe he would have "energy" for all of us.

I met with an attorney months ago at first thinking I needed to stop the divorce for religious reasons and then when I actually told him what my life was like I realized I shouldn't be trying to stop him. This is a false balance. An abomination. Not a sacred marriage of any sort. I've been had from the beginning. That was when I got my eyes opened to the financial abuse. And the lawyer said what friend had always said: He has been planning this a long time.

Thankfully this attorney told me to begin documenting everything. I felt like I was betraying updh and that I was low to do so - But I have March - now, documenting what life is like with a PD and small children.

what my schedule and life was like and how little he helped.

I also have video of him "playing" with DH that is quite sinister.

Also have him gaslighting DH.

I know he will lie cheat and steal and try to wind me up.

He played mind games like he had no idea I was leaving - But I have 2.5 hour documentation of discussion where he compared me to a dog not following my training so time to give me up - saying divorce and selling the home and splitting everything fair and square and allowing me to continue to homeschool this way he can keep his highly unpredictable job.

People keep telling me I need to get an attorney. But I'm not so sure.

I can tell he is getting some kind of advice. He immediately threatened me on move out day if I didn't tell him my address he 'didn't want to go this route' but would be 'forced to' get an attorney after me. Then for the first time ever he has car seats in his vehicle and asked to see them three days later.

I think I have enough evidence to show how negligent he was and how abusive he was to me verbally in front of the children and documented silent treatment cycles.

But I also hear horror stories of the PD tricking everyone. And I'm so tired from moving and dealing with everything I'm just not ready.

Our state does not have separation. So my suggestion was lets take this very slowly and cordially and see how we manage before bringing anything legal in. For the sake of the kids.

I really think peace is the ultimate prize for them. And them getting to be the boss of how long they want to be around him.

I have since moved to a new county and would like to get some time here so we can file through this county.

Anyway. I know how it sounds to some....But I have this gut feeling to let PD lead here. Let him put his cards down first...

At the end of the day lawyers are selling a service and I think they may get me to act prematurely.

I spent so long living in discard in my own home and him laughing at glee from my pain - I think I've stunned him by following through.

I would prefer him to get bored with no supply and see what HE does and go from there.

His lawyer will have to work much harder than mine because I have the truth. I know the legal system often fails the right side. But sometimes it works swiftly for justice.

He has been always prepping for this I see now. So I know he has videos of some reactive situations that wouldn't be something I would enjoy others seeing....But I'm just ready to let the truth have a go.

He knows he can't care for them. His job is wild inconsistent hours. Other options = less pay and no supply. And he can only keep buying toys and taking them out to eat for so long.

I think I've heard to be the one to take action with the PD. But at this point I solved what was unbearable - which was living with him and having my children in the emotional turmoil of living at his mercy. Now they only have to have small doses when he is ready for his close-up in his soap opera as super victim dad.

He is going to want them in his life to use to pick up women. I can see I was already living like this.

So for now I feel like I need to just relax, enjoy my peace - and be ready for whatever "solution" he comes up with. Before I was solving all of his problems and living in his hell. Now I'm taking care of my problem (not having to live with him).

I can tell by his language in text messages he is playing a part for a judge...And hoping to make me look bad.

But I did read recently a quote: You'll never look good trying to make someone else look bad.

So I have stopped trying to prove he is what he is. I'm just going to do what is right within myself and if a judge doesn't agree with it - well....they're the judge.

And by him trying to prove I'm something I'm not - he is going to waste his precious, limited energy.

Plus I'm sure he is so happy to be able to sleep around and go to bars etc. now without having to worry about covering his tracks. I'm  no longer there where he has to text he is going to the gym from 3AM to 6AM.

I feel emotional/fear based reaction is hire a lawyer and go to town. And calm mirror thinking is more - Hey Bud - you've got a problem to solve. How are you going to go about it and try to look sane?

The advice he is getting is actually making him act half decent.

He does not speak to me - he only speaks to the kids.

I did have insomnia and back pain again after having to see him. But my body will soon catch up with my brain that I don't have to be around him.

I'll have a hard time forgiving myself that the kids have to go around him.

My DD sobbed asking why I couldn't go with her. (toddler) She expressed she didn't trust him to be nice.

The kids have said "he doesn't love Mommy. He is mean to mommy." So I've told them yes that is true - but if he is anything other than nice to you - you call me and tell him you want to come home.

Ugh. That's the worst part. They are pawns to him. Not people.

But I did the right thing.

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2,

Yes, you did the the right thing.  Enjoy your new quest for peace and healing. 

You wrote:

"So for now I feel like I need to just relax, enjoy my peace - and be ready for whatever "solution" he comes up with. Before I was solving all of his problems and living in his hell. Now I'm taking care of my problem (not having to live with him)."

Yes, i agree...be ready.  Be ready for all possibilities, but at the same time enjoy peace and continue on the healing quest.

You also wrote:

"I can tell by his language in text messages he is playing a part for a judge...And hoping to make me look bad. But I did read recently a quote: You'll never look good trying to make someone else look bad. So I have stopped trying to prove he is what he is. I'm just going to do what is right within myself and if a judge doesn't agree with it - well....they're the judge." 

Theres an interview of Judge Lynn Toler on YouTube by attorney Rebecca Zung.  Im not a fan of Zung's mannerisms but i can pick off the meat and leave the bones and respect her viewpoint from a lawyers standpoint.  I can do the same for Judge Toler.  Toler said something very insightful (I'm paraphrasing), which would counter your statement.   She said "this narcissist in my courtroom was able to convince their spouse to MARRY them, yet the abused spouse expects the judge to understand the other person is an abusive liar in the 20 minutes of time they occupy on my docket for their hearing???...really??."

She went on to say "the truth-teller should prepare their truth in a way they can convince me in 20 minutes that their spouse is an abusive liar"

Therefore, although you may not have an attorney at this time, you may want to consider using this time to create an effective method to prove to a judge, in less than 20 minutes, that your husband is an abusive liar.  Enjoy the peace. 

SoT

[square]

Some really good thoughts, and I think your instincts are good.

[notrightinthehead]

Your plan to let him lead with the divorce has some merit. If he wants it, you might get off more easily. I still think you could benefit from shopping around for an attorney, as a preparation for the battle to come.

At the same time, you might want to prepare yourself for a life as a single mother, making connections, building a help network, helping your kids to make friends and have a social circle, working on your career. You might consider the possibility that he might not support you financially and make a plan for that. Let people see that you are the responsible one, the one who has the best interest of the kids at heart.

You might consider not dating for a while, while you are processing what happened to you,  what about you made you vulnerable to such a person, and work on your healing.  But you need support! Friends, family, a self-help group.

Look for posts from  Hhaw on this site, you might find some really useful ideas there.

[escapingman]

I know everyone are different and everyone has a different dynamic with their PD. But I would strongly recommend you getting an attorney to handle all your communications, if you can afford it of course. I could not get to agree with uNPDx about who should take out the trash without it escalating into a fight, so how could I negotiate a divorce settlement with her? Whilst I was still living at home every communication from my solicitor to hers ended up with her coming into my room shouting and making demands, I kept quiet and ignored her and let my solicitor handle it all. uNPDx hated it as she needed to go through her solicitor to construct a reply, and not just go and shout at me until I accepted whatever she wanted (as things always been in the past). I would never have got to where I am now without a solicitor, uNPDx would just have worn me down and probably got me to change my mind in the end.

Good luck.

[falsebalance2]

@ SOT - This has given me so much to ponder - how to summarize what I have barely figured out (that I'll never figure it out) in 14 years into 20 minutes.

My "evidence" when I've gotten free doesn't seem so drastic now - but that is because I am living in peace rather than his chaos kingdom.


He is suddenly acting interested in the children as expected - but a gray rock doesn't appear disturbed even when her children are being used as props.

@Square - thank you for your support and encouragement - It is much needed!

@NRITH - Agree so much...and also the thought of dating right now seems like a horrible idea! haha! I am working on reaching out and working more on the relationships I was able to eek out on my own. I am excited for the children to be able to see people more often as well. I grew up like they have and I remember feeling so isolated by my mother's moods and my dad trying to keep a good appearance that even the water delivery man was an event for us kids.

@EM - your situation is more like what I knew growing up. My mother would snap photos and say "I'm definitely getting the kids in a divorce" - all to mess with my father and keep him around. ;(

So if I were not able to leave physically I would have gotten a lawyer. At this point I need to recover and save and let him use his money on an attorney.

He is wildly spending his savings to spite me - and will likely keep the house in disrepair and as a tool....But I want those to be what he focuses on to spite me and keep the children emotionally as far from this as possible.

I am having a hard time when they cry and don't want to go without me - but people keep telling me kids are resilient and as long as I have a safe place for them to land and gve them a junior toolbox it is better than what I was giving them: A mother telling them to just pretend the way we were living constituted as a healthy relationship.

thank you all for the support.

So far no news - I can't be certain what he is going to do - I think he is fine with the victim narrative if it relieves him of all duty and still gets him....well....Ya know....

Everything he did for control actually helped me grow and be able to escape....So I hope by staying calm divorce will go the same way.

[SonofThunder]

FB2,

If your coming divorce or even hearings regarding other things that could PD-arise along the way, as they sometimes get a thrill playing public victim in the legal system and attempt to punish the non for leaving by recklessly smearing the non with false allegations. You may desire to have pre-gathered evidence and/or gathered journaled experiences that will testify to him being a fraud. That evidence and/or experience should possibly pertain to the specific case regarding and what you would like to have the judge side with you. If its a custody hearing, show the kids are best with you because he is untrustworthy and will manipulate.  If its something else, like false accusations, show he is a liar in other areas and a hypocrite, therefore the allegations are false and potentially could be projecting what HE actually is doing.  You may never need it but having that truth arrow in your quiver is great. 

Maybe in your "living in peace", some of the past lying, hypocrite, verbally abusive, threatening behaviors will be able able to documented in a journal fashion and combined with any emails, texts, video, audio or hand-written proof you may have, compiled over time as memories surface.  When needed, you can then organize together any of that collected evidence needed to 'convince a judge in 20 minutes' like Judge Toler states.  If needed, you can review your posts here for some memories as well.

You wrote:

".but that is because I am living in peace rather than his chaos kingdom."

I agree, the peace is such a vast berth of freedom, i just want to bask in it for a period while I can, before i have to focus on gathering info needed ☺️

You also wrote:   

"So far no news - I can't be certain what he is going to do - I think he is fine with the victim narrative if it relieves him of all duty and still gets him....well....Ya know.... Everything he did for control actually helped me grow and be able to escape....So I hope by staying calm divorce will go the same way." 

Same here. As I stated, may not need any evidence at all if he just decides to move along in your calm and you are satisfied with the settlement and custody decisions.  You are not alone my Out of the FOG comrade.  Enjoy the peace. 

SoT

[hhaw]

falseb:

I'm impressed with  your plan to leave the family home without filing divorce, bc you have more rights to do so before you file divorve, IME.

if you're really concerned about the children and their safety when iwth the PD..... get the kids into Therapy with a forensic child psychologist to build a case, create an ally and advocate who can fight for your kids in court if it comes down the that.

Also, you're putting routines in place.  Judges like to keep chidlren's routines on in place.  Getting kids into therapy now, before the PD can sabotage it, would be wise if you have the resources.

Therapists are mandatory reporters and the children are old enough to use their words.  A good Therapist will give you and the children age appropriate language to discuss the PD's disordered behaviors without getting you into trouble with the courts, IME.  Children are smart and need answers... validation.... ways to make sense of a PD parent's probematic behaviors. 

I pray for the best possible outcome for you and your children.   

Truthfully.... I have every confidence you're every bit a good enough parent to mitigate to your children.

[SonofThunder]

Hhaw,

Not wanting to sidetrack this thread; but in order for me to better understand your thoughts, will you please elaborate on this sentence below, especially related to "trouble with the courts" .  My children are adults, yet i am aware of another situation where a potential PD is involved and there are multiple children, ages 1-6.  You ended with "IME", so will assume experience driven opinions. 

I will not be replying to your potential elaboration of the sentence, to allow the thread to return on it's intended route, so thank you in advance for a potential expansion of thought. 

SoT


You wrote:

"A good Therapist will give you and the children age appropriate language to discuss the PD's disordered behaviors without getting you into trouble with the courts, IME"

[hhaw]

Hhaw,

Not wanting to sidetrack this thread; but in order for me to better understand your thoughts, will you please elaborate on this sentence below, especially related to "trouble with the courts" .  My children are adults, yet i am aware of another situation where a potential PD is involved and there are multiple children, ages 1-6.  You ended with "IME", so will assume experience driven opinions. 

I will not be replying to your potential elaboration of the sentence, to allow the thread to return on it's intended route, so thank you in advance for a potential expansion of thought. 

SoT


You wrote:

"A good Therapist will give you and the children age appropriate language to discuss the PD's disordered behaviors without getting you into trouble with the courts, IME"

SoT:

In answer to your question.......think about how one would explain disordered PD behaviors to a forensic therapist or CPS worker or Judge about a disordered parent's behaviors.

Think about how a child will be internalizing launguage and speaking about it.

Kids will repeat whatever they're told and need us to provide something that helps them make sense of a situation.

We file divorce or we file for custody or we answer a custody petition or CPS investigation and the children will be called to give statements, take tests or explain who they want to live with and why.  Whatever they say, it should square up with whatever version of reality we're putting forth to help people understand the truth and it should reflect well on our parenting skills.

The childrens' statements shouldn't include things they overhear adults say, particularly if it's going to make those adults appear bitter, punitive, judgmental and bitchy, etc. Childrn should be given explanations that don;t harm them or harm us in the legal process.

It's better to think ahead, be proactive decide on the age appropriate words and explanation then stick to them, no matter what, bc in the heat of the moment we generally regress back to habit.

It's the same when we know we'll be testifying..... if we use foul language daily and explode in traffic and roll our eyes on a regular basis,  it's a pretty good bet we;re going to slip up in the Courtroom or in traffic sitting next to our Judge, kwim?