My Introduction

[Anon_42]

Hello.  I'm a 38 year old male and I think I'm in the FOG.

A friend of mine sent me here.  I'll try to be brief, and there's a lot of detail I'll be leaving out.  If I didn't this post would be a book. 

In January my wife cheated on me.  I found out and she said she wanted an open relationship.  Loving her, I've tried but there's been gaslighting, lying, and betrayal on her part.  As for me, after months I broke down and did a thing or two I'm not proud of.  She agreed not to do more with this guy until after I had met someone.  She lied, and I made that agreement expecting to never meet anyone.  As it is, she encouraged me every step of the way to me sleeping with 2 other women.  Those events were humiliating and traumatizing for me.  I was willing to try because I love her, and because I admit to liking the idea of finding more love.  I did not find love, and nothing about this has been loving.  In the mean time, despite my strenuous and repeated objections, she continued her affair.  The most recent indignity was coming home to find him fleeing my house right after they had sex in my home.  I had gone out and she decided to stay home because she wasn't feeling well. 

As for why did I agree to any of this in the first place?  She told me if we didn't open up we were done.  She then said that if it included me restricting her in any way, which included her affair partner, we were done.  If that isn't enough, I'm still clinging to the hope that somehow this all works out and she really does love me, because I don't think I'll ever get closer to love than this.  And no, she's not the one telling me I'm unlovable, I am.

I know there's more I can tell, but that is the most bare bones way I can think to put it. 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive site! Sounds like you are in a relationship that is very bad for you. It seems that you want a loving, committed, monogamous relationship and your wife has different preferences. You also wrote that you think you are unlovable. That would be my starting point. Maybe it is time you start working on yourself. Maybe you could find out out what makes you so unlovable? Maybe you could start therapy? Find a self help group like CoDA? Work on strengthening your self esteem. Find out what makes you take crumbs and try to find love and validation with someone who is not willing to give you that.
Check out Top 100 Traits for more clarity on what you are dealing with and Toolbox for strategies when you are dealing with your wife. Get as much information as you can, but not only about PDs but also about the reasons why people put up with them.  And keep on telling yourself. "I have no control over how others behave or think, I can only control myself".
I am glad you found us. See you around on the boards.