Friend won't visit me: I have to visit her

[countrygirl]

Hello,

I have a long term friend with whom I have had some issues, and that fact that she will not visit me is one of them.  During the worst part of the pandemic, this was understandable, but now people are out and about once again.  In fact, my friend has an eighty-some year old landlady who just returned from visiting some of her friends who live three states away.

Before the pandemic, I used to visit my friend much more frequently than she would visit me, even though I have a physical disability.  But my condition worsened a few years ago, and traveling to see her is virtually impossible for me.  I saw her one time last year, when she deigned to visit for my birthday.   Since then, she has occasionally offered to come over to help me out, but she knows that my husband helps me with the things which I can't do.  Each time that she has offered, I have thanked her, explained once again that I don't need help and have said that what I would really enjoy would be a visit!  When I last said this, maybe two months ago, she said, "Of course."  But then she did not visit.  We talk virtually every day, which makes her not visiting even stranger.

The other day, she let slip that a new bookstore has opened near her.  We both are big readers, and normally she would have told me about the bookstore.  I think she didn't say anything because she knows it looks strange that she's visiting a store, but won't come to see me.  By this, I mean that she has told me she only goes to the grocery store, because of fear of infection.  And I hasten to say that my husband and I are very careful, and haven't caught Covid, even though we are in a large city.  In fact, another close friend has visited nearly every day, and he has been infection-free, which my non-visiting friend knows. 

I do not believe it is fear of infection which prevents her from visiting; she has always expected me to go to her place.  In fact, just a few weeks ago, she said she wished I could visit her.  There isn't even a place where I can sit comfortably in her apt., but she said we would work something out.   But even if we could, I am in no shape to travel there and back.  I had to go to my doctor recently, and that was an ordeal.  I am coping with my condition, but it does impose limitations, which she knows.

It is very strange to have so many conversations with her, and then never to see her.  It has reached the point where it feels as if we are pretending that we are close, when in fact we are not.  I have been almost completely housebound forever now, and I can't understand why she offers to visit to help me---but won't come see me otherwise. I find her refusal to do so painful.   

[bee well]

Hi Countrygirl.

First of all, I'm glad to hear you and your DH haven't caught COVID. We are all connected in this World and your efforts to stay infection free help all of us. The virus has moved into a new phase but it isn't gone, and it encourages me to know there are still people out there who are paying attention.

I can relate to your dilemmas about socializing as DH and I been wary as well, even as we are moving into new phases.

I am sorry to hear about the issue with your friend. That is very painful when a friend appears not to hear, or glosses over what we have been plainly communicating.

I don't know all of your friend's motivations, but this reminded me of a situation I had with a very long and close friendship that I recently came to understand as unbalanced. I will write a little about it here because maybe you will relate some of it to your story.

My friend would also help me, but on her terms, and did not seem to hear when I would explicitly tell her what I needed as a friend. there weren't a lot of  "expectations" on my part, as there is a limit to what each of us has to give in any particular circumstance. We talked a lot, but I was the one who did most of the listening. They dumped on me a lot, especially later in the friendship. but we didn't have deep conversations. The lack of being heard, and the "one way aspect of it" led to a lot of hurt feelings. I didn't speak up early on, and that worsened things.The fact that we were so close, and that they had helped me led to confusion about our friendship. (Maybe I was expecting to much?) It's too long to tell it all here, but what happened is eventually after I woke up to a family situation (Family who, like your friend, did not make an effort come see to me "just because", but were quite often available to talk) I started observing the patterns in the friendship and noticing that no matter what I said nothing changed. To make a long story short I eventually told this person I had some issues of my own to work on and we haven't had contact since.

In retrospect I wondered how people who had at times helped me could be as superficial, and quite frankly not very empathic, as they were. How could they have been so interested in talking to me if they weren't that interested in listening, or being there when I really needed it? After learning more I  came to the conclusion that they were not capable of going deeper, and/or they had helped me, and had these conversations with me because they were getting something out of it (supply.) Whatever it was, the friendship (like the family relationship I referred to)  had become painful for me and I came to accept that it wouldn't continue for me in its previous state. Not saying that's how it is for you, that's the way it played out for me. But from my vantage point I recognize common elements.

What you wrote here concerns me: "she has always expected me to go to her place.  In fact, just a few weeks ago, she said she wished I could visit her.  There isn't even a place where I can sit comfortably in her apt., but she said we would work something out.   But even if we could, I am in no shape to travel there and back.  I had to go to my doctor recently, and that was an ordeal.  I am coping with my condition, but it does impose limitations, which she knows."

That, to me, suggests that there is a one way aspect to the situation. It doesn't seem to me like you are ready to let go of this friend (and I am not saying you should, only you can decide this) but the situation is painful for you. That's not how friendships are "supposed to" feel. I wonder, have you decided what is it you want out of the friendship in the long term? How long do you think you could tolerate this situation? Do you feel better or worse when you think about this friendship? Does your friend listen to you when you talk?

Going forward it might be helpful to focus on how your friend responds each time you communicate information about you, or your needs. Writing it down could help to give your a clearer vision of that and where you want to go with this friendship.

That's my best answer. (I had a little difficulty answering because I know how complicated these feelings about friendships can be. At times they can be even deeper than the ones about our families, depending on how those relationships are.) Perhaps others on the board will offer more insight.

I will say in closing that what you appear to want-- a friend who visits "just because" and/or verbalizes that they recognize your limitations, is not too much to ask.

[Catothecat]

This very much sounds like a one-way relationship, Countrygirl, despite your friend attempting to come across as caring and considerate.  But there's truth to that old saying--actions speak louder than words.

I suspect she's only making those "can I help?" comments knowing her help won't be needed.  It's a safe way to look like she's concerned about you and wants to visit with you while also knowing you'll say no, it's okay, I have the help I need.  Of course, I can't say that's exactly what's going on but I've encountered friends like that periodically and when it happened to me, yep, that's what was going on.  The proof is when you actually need their help and they find a thousand excuses why they can't.

If you enjoy talking with her, then maybe just relegate the relationship to talking only, just never seeing one another.  Picking up a phone and chatting is way easier for some people than making the effort of seeing you in person.  And that's the core of the problem--they've evaluated the relationship in terms of "effort" and have determined just how much they're going to make.  They will never go past their comfort level because that's just how they are when it comes to dealing with other people.  They don't understand that their behavior is making the relationship one-sided.  They only understand what they want, not what you want.

What they tend to forget is you also have a choice in the matter about what you do and don't want from a relationship.  To them, a one-way street is the entire street.  Your needs matter and don't allow her to tell you otherwise. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat and bee well,

Thank you for replying!

You both pointed out that this is a one way street, and it literally is, since the only traveling she wants is for me to go to her place!  But of course it's also a one way street in terms of giving.  As you noted, bee well, to people like this, a one-way, or one lane street is the entire street.   

I think I must either be content with talking on the phone, or decide that this impasse is just too painful for me.  Since it is so hard for me to get around now, I can really see who this friend is.   It never occurs to her that it might be beneficial for me to see her, or that she would enjoy seeing me.  I agree that she is unwilling to make an effort.  She will see me, but only if I am the one to do the traveling.   

I am sorry to hear about your situation Catothecat.  In addition to having to end friendships with narcissists, I too have had to limit interactions with a couple of family members   It is sad when you realize that nothing is going to change, so you have to decide whether you want to continue to suffer and stay in the relationship, or step away. 

Yesterday, I told this friend that I was feeling down.  In general, although it might not seem that way here, I try to be positive.  But recently, I am worn out from dealing with difficult people.  The world itself now is in a very difficult place, and we all have so much to deal with that the last thing we need is difficult people.  Well, today, she started saying how depressed she is; she said she'd run across some cards her  deceased mother had sent her, and she realized that she wasn't living, that she didn't know how to be in the world without her mother.  I do think her mother is the only person with whom she was really close (the mother died about ten years ago), and now she has transferred some of that obsessiveness to her sister.  I feel bad for her, but we all lose our parents, unfortunately---I know from personal experience how devastating it can be.  However, I think that it is true my friend has no life outside of what she had with her mother.  There really is no room for anyone else.  I think she should discuss this in therapy, but she refuses to go to therapy. She says she doesn't believe init.  I don't think she will ever change. 

[Catothecat]

I think you hit on it, countrygirl--she unconsciously defines all of her relationship in terms of the relationship she had with her mother.  And of course, all other relationships will come up wanting.

I have a friend like that.  Her mom is still alive but this friend has never had a serious relationship with anyone (never married, never even dated) outside of her immediately family, primarily with her mother and sister.  She's now a senior citizen, so certainly not young, but in all the years I've known her she's always tended to have casual friends but no one she gets really close to, including me.  She saves that emotion for her mother and would probably extend it more fully to her sister except the sister lives in another state.  From what she says about her growing up years, the entire family was somewhat insular and never much dealt with "outsiders", just immediately family. 

I learned long ago that she was one of those people who is happy to take but reluctant to give except when convenient for her.  In general, she's a nice person and fun to be around, but I don't have expectations of her.  She, too, offers to "help" knowing full well I'll turn her down because the "help" she offers tends to be over things I don't really need help for!  Of the few times she's actually done something for me it always felt more like a negotiated transaction rather than anything spontaneous or done "just because".  I always felt there was a payment due somewhere down the line.

But like I said, that's the way she is and most likely the result of the dysfunctional way she was raised.  She won't change and I know to limit my expectations as well as my interactions.  If I were to interact with her more regularly I know she would start having expectations of me while not allowing me to have any of her.   She still has a very small circle of friends (which seems to be becoming smaller all of the time, according to her) who will "do anything for her" who she uses regularly and sometimes I want to ask her--they do all these things for  you but what do you do for them?  I think when I finally stepped back and started observing how she treated other friends I could see more clearly how she operates with all of us.  Sad but again, what can any of us do?  We can't force someone into therapy!

[countrygirl]

Hey Catothecat,

I read about your friend with interest:  She sounds remarkably like my friend.   I think you're right that she would be more fixated on her sister if her mother were to die, or if she lived closer.  My friend's sister does live in another state, but she is in constant contact with her nonetheless. 

And you're also right when you say that no other relationships could measure up to these obsessive fixations.  She has idealized these people. 

I get what you're saying about how your friend's "good deeds" are often more like negotiations.   This is exactly what it seems like with my friend.

It is too bad, but of course, I agree that you  can't make someone go into therapy.  My friend is vehemently against therapy, and I'm sure that intensity comes from her realization that she really needs it.

It is also interesting that you could get a better view of her when you stepped back and observed her interacting with others.  In my case, I will never forget the story my friend told me about how she treated someone with whom she went into business.  Her  friend leased a store, and my friend worked there, on salary.  But then she didn't want to works, so she would just put out the "Closed" sign.  Her friend, who worked elsewhere, drove past several times, and saw the "Closed" sign.  That friendship ended.  I think my friend forgot telling me this, because when she visited my family's place (where I may retire one day), she asked if there were a similar shop in that town...  Wow!  Immediately, I pictured myself driving past and seeing the "Closed" sign!!!   (She should wear a similar sign around her neck.  Would save a lot of time and energy for others.)