Since NC I feel like I can say I "deserve" things

[sambellscoup]

Remaining even in the most distant and occasional contact with my parents meant I had to justify some degree of the stuff they did, which meant not allowing myself to deserve anything, because it was too much cognitive dissonance to tell myself on the one hand that I had to put up with being in contact with my parents and on the other that I deserved anything good in life. I had to quash my deeper sense of empathy for myself because that would allow me on some level to justify the abuse and their ongoing denial and refusal to take responsibility for their abuse.

I deserve my glass of whiskey tonight after a number of very stressful few days. As does anyone else in the same situation. I am equal to others and equally deserve things that make this life a little easier to travel through sometimes.

I deserve to be able to tell my story and speak my truth. I deserve to be free from the pressure to play pretend along with my parents - on any level - for their benefit. In fact, it's ultimately to their detriment, since it helps them avoid dealing with their issues. They deserve to be freed from their mental problems. I know they won't do what's necessary for that to happen though. And that makes me sad.

The idea of deserving anything absolutely baffled me for years. I literally could not comprehend it. I finally do now. It's basic self-love.

[Amadahy]

Oh, this speaks to me!  I'm glad you can put words and genuine knowing into your deservedness!!  For so many years, my feelings of unworthiness -- that I didn't deserve happiness, care, peace, etc -- were subconscious and informed every self-sabotage I experienced.  I have finally learned to voice that I deserve good things and I am finally starting to believe it!  Well done! Thank you for sharing.