Feeling utterly defeated

[Jpmom3575]

Hello and I am so happy to find other people going through the same things (not happy for people going through this hell, but thankful I'm not alone!). I also would like to apologize in advance because this is going to be long-winded, so if you hang in here with me....Thank YOU!

Back story is pretty complicated, but I genuinely believe it is relevant because I believe this is, at least partially, to blame for my daughter's current mental health issues. (It's also the primary reason I've given her such a huge amount of forgiveness --although by no means the only reason).

I have 3 children. My son, is now 27 with 2 children of his own, from an early relationship. He has some anger issues and immaturity issues, but essentially he is finding his way and we have a pretty good relationship. My middle daughter is now 23, with 3 kids of her own. She moved 1500 miles away to remove herself from the drama. And then....there is my youngest. She is 22, currently pregnant, with no job, no vehicle, and a contentious (to put it mildly) relationship with the baby's father, her father, her siblings, and every single friend or family member she has ever had in her life...with the exception of 3 people she still reaches out to occasionally, who keep their distance most of the time. She is also the primary reason the middle daughter moved 1500 miles away. 

To be fair to her....there is a history here that needs to be told. At least in abbreviated form. To give insight into what I believe is at least part of her "creation". My husband, her (and her sister's) father is a malignant narcissist. He has never physically abused our children, though he was violent for many years to me, and certainly they witnessed violent episodes and angry words over the years. He was also a terribly cold, calculated, emotionally barren father for the most part, although he was also known to make scathing comments to the children, in particular the youngest daughter. Surely they also heard his nasty, cutting remarks ABOUT them, viciously screamed at me behind closed doors. In addition, of course, there were the ruined holiday events. The activities I would set up for them that would have to be cancelled unexpectedly due to him disabling my vehicles, etc.

Most damaging though, may have been my repeated attempts to get us away from him. Over the years we moved no less than 9 times.  9 new homes, 9 promises of a better life, 9 attempts to gain some semblance of sanity in our situation. Only to allow him back when his stalking and his threats to take the kids when they got off the bus and I would never see them again frightened me to the point that I gave in out of terror. I believe she, in particular, will never forgive that. Nor will they ever understand why I was so "weak" and loved them so little that I kept them in a savage spiral of horror. Nor will I ever explain to them. I don't think that information would be helpful to their psyches, no matter how damaged their relationships with him already are.

So....all of that to provide the background. I have no idea that the years of abuse and the seeming indifference of their mother, and the permissiveness I routinely allowed her, in particular, in an effort to give them as much love and tenderness as I could to make up for his lack of it and their lack of stability.

Anyway, back to her story. Terrific baby and toddler. Until she turned 3, when honestly it felt like a demon possessed my sweet baby girl. Attachment issues would be an understatement. I would try to drop her at daycare and she would cling to me, screaming and refusing to let me leave (this was the same provider she had been going to, that her siblings also attended, since she was an infant). The sitter would wrench her off me, both my daughter and I sobbing (myself because I was so confused what was happening to her). I would go to pick them up in the afternoon only to have the same process, only in reverse, with her clinging to the sitter and screaming, refusing to come with me. We'd get home and I'd be trying to cook dinner and she would meltdown. Screaming, hitting me, beating her head n the walls and plucking at her eyelashes, not allowing me to pick her up until she collapsed in a sobbing heap in my arms. Sometimes this went on for hours. Her father was hardly there until long past their bedtime and for this I was grateful. No telling how he would have "handled" this. But it was exhausting and traumatic for the four of us there during these episodes.

In fear and confusion, I took my baby to her pediatrician and then to therapist after therapist who tried to convince me this was normal behavior. She was just "different" and more "willful". We dealt with it.

Until she began to be violent to her siblings and other kids at daycare. Back to therapy we went. To be told it was ADHD. She was FOUR. I refused to medicate my four year old and instead tried therapy for all three of the kids, thinking they could surely use it with the situation at home. Unfortunately, my husband must have gotten a red flag alert and been afraid one of the kids would let slip what was happening at home, so he quickly made it impossible for me to take them any longer.

So we trudged on. I tried reading parenting books and smothering then even more with attention, love, and as much one on one time with each of them as I could manage. Some weeks were ok. But those good times only made the inevitable return of the bad times even worse. And the bad times were getting worse.

She assaulted me on several occasions. But the assaults on her sister (older, but smaller and passive) were far worse. I worked and they came home together when they got old enough. Unbeknownst to me.p, the middle child lived in fear of her sister's outbursts. I was informed (after she had moved away) of how she spent hours cowered in her closet as ger sister threatened her with a pair of scissors for some imagined slight. I had to take her to the hospital in 3 separate occasions because if fights. A broken foot (a fight over the phone), a dislocated shoulder (a fight over leftover pizza), and a concussion (not sure what caused that one), were the incidents I KNEW of. There were many more I did not.

At their physicals when the elder was 17 and the younger 15, the Dr called me into her personal office to tell me if I didn't do something now, she was having the older daughter removed from the home, as the younger one was abusing her. Anger management and counseling here we come again. Only this time she manipulated her therapist and or flat out refused to go to therapy.

And all the while my husband fought me, swearing there was nothing wrong with her. She was just manipulative and able to twist me around. He desperately wanted me to stop "siding" with her. And as much as I knew what she was wrong and destructive, I also knew this was not normal for anyone. Something was wrong.

Now she is 22, pregnant, no job, no car (after having to talked 3 in less than a year). No meaningful relationships (she has burned every bridge), at home and I don't think I can take anymore. We alternate between her abusing the dogs, screaming matches on the phone with the boyfriend (I work from home on the phone so imagine that fun), and abusing me verbally and threatening me physically if I dare to try to set boundaries or say no. Then she will threaten suicide. Then all if fine. As long as I maintain calm and gentle tones.

I am the cause of everything that goes wrong in her life and I am constantly barraged with her screaming at me over something. Sometimes I don't even know what. I literally am at the point where I want to end the suffering. I literally cannot take one more outburst. And when I do try to remove myself from the toxicity, it's almost worse than the abuse. The abuse I heap on myself, the guilt and worry and feeling that I've failed her is unbearable.

Her father (my husband) has let the house be foreclosed on because he believes it's the only way I will ever relinquish her hold on me. And it's true, financially she has left me in a position where I am not in a place that I CAN help her get a place or a car. Not that this would ever end her constant need for something from me.

But she is pregnant and due in just a few weeks. With nowhere to go and no money. Of course I'm worried. And she absolutely refuses to do anything to help herself. It's my responsibility you see, as this mess is all my fault. So that's where we are.

So there's so much more, but this is it in a nutshell. Thank you so much for listening 

[Rosa Rugosa]

Hello Jpmom3575,

I am so sorry you are going through this, It sounds like you have been trying so hard for so many years.

I am at the start of my healing journey so I don't feel comfortable offering any advice other than what fellow forum folk have suggested to me - read through the top 100 traits, what not to do and what to do pages on the main site.

I just wanted to reinforce your statement that you're not alone by reaching out 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am so sorry you are going through all this drama. I strongly recommend you study the Toolbox and start implementing the strategies immediately when dealing with your daughter. Sometimes we think we are doing our best but our enabling just causes further damage to the ones we love. Sounds like in your case strong boundaries are the only way out for both of you, your daughter and yourself. 

[Jpmom3575]

Thank you so much!!!