Pets

[easterncappy]

TW: Animal abuse. Nothing too gruesome but still uncomfortable to read about. Mods feel free to remove if this is too much.

My mom's a "dog lover". Any attempt at correcting my dog's behavior, training her, or disciplining her was met with "you're being CRUEL" (worth noting that my mom thought parenting was stupid too and you should let kids do what they want all the time - connection?). The dog bit her, and my mom threatened to "take her back to that dog haircut place where they almost drowned her". When I pointed out that that's not nice, the dog won't remember today in 3 months (when the next haircut was due), nor will she make the connection and view this as discipline, my mom said "oh, don't worry... the dog has a LONG memory...". ?????

It reminded me a lot of this story that a blogger I follow posted, where the PD dog owner in question just... did not understand that throwing a dog out and "telling it to come back in a week" is not appropriate behavior.

My mom also had a ton of weird magical thinking about my dog. If she didn't like someone that my mom didn't like, she must be "smelling their character". If she liked someone that my mom didn't like, "she's probably confused because (insert babble here)". The dog always "just knew" tons of things that a dog most definitely does not "just know". Never a simpler explanation like "the dog liked the tone the person was speaking in" or "the dog didn't like seeing that person angry".

My dog was fed all sorts of stuff that dogs are never, ever supposed to eat. "Dogs aren't supposed to eat that" was always met with "oh, whatever".

My PD MIL let my husband's dog eat chocolate twice. Both times she had a lame excuse for letting it happen and not getting medical attention for the dog. "I was watching (his disabled sister)!" - yeah, but you can drive a car with both the sister and the dog in it. This was after being specifically asked to "not leave chocolate where the dog can get it".

A PD I was unfortunately involved with (I didn't want to, but my parents loved him and practically begged me to marry him) "couldn't live without his beloved cat". The cat weighed, not kidding, about 3x what he should have. This was viewed as cute and any comments about how "your cat should probably be able to jump on the couch comfortably at his age" were treated as if I told him to set the cat on fire - how DARE I even SUGGEST that? The cat LIKES TO EAT, end of story! If the cat did anything "wrong", he got screamed at or thrown. No one ever played with this cat, any playful behavior from the cat was met with more screaming. But this guy also claimed he'd "become suicidal if the cat ever died".

[NarcKiddo]

I first seriously started realising something was off with my mother after an episode with my puppy (don't worry - not gruesome).

She was thrilled when I bought my first dog as a puppy and offered to come and dog sit when we went on holiday. She sought no reward other than to have food provided, and of course plenty of alcohol. Whenever we came back the alcohol had been drunk but much of the food was left rotting in the fridge. She'd asked us what to buy and we'd had grocery deliveries sorted out for her accordingly. I realised that some of the items might be surplus to requirements but why would she not throw away soggy, brown salad rather than just pile new on top of it? But I digress.

I also realised, later, that she invited her lovers to stay while she was at mine. She wanted to stay so they could come over. But she did love the dog. He was an easy-going dog of a breed that didn't require massive amounts of exercise.

A few years later she was less than thrilled when I said I was getting a pup - same breed. She tried to put me off. Pup turned out to be a real live wire (unusual for the breed) and very intelligent. He was also quite sickly and had various gastric issues. She knew all this but when he was about 8 months old she agreed to come and dog sit. We were going to another continent and had a long drive quite near the start of the holiday through areas with very limited mobile phone signal (this was quite a long time ago). So I put her in touch with various dog friends of mine and puppy's breeder in case she had questions or needed help.

We had not even got to the airport when her texts complaining about puppy started. He had been sick. He had diarrhoea. He was scratching the walls. He was making a noise. OK, I realise dealing with a sick dog is no fun. He was actually recovering from a gastric episode when she arrived. She'd agreed to come regardless and had all the meds etc. I managed to speak to her and found out that the stomach upset was not as bad as she'd made out and the meds were working. I advised her to shut him in the dog room behind the gate if she needed a break. It was quite safe and no problem for him to have a time out when playing up.

When we got phone signal again after the drive I had a flurry of texts moaning about him and saying she could not cope. I also had texts from the breeder saying she was (that day) going to collect puppy and take him to a foster family. She was willing to take him herself but she still owned the mother dog who did not like puppy. I managed to phone the breeder and we agreed it was far better for her to take puppy and she could keep him apart from mother dog. At least I knew the breeder and although she vouched for foster home I could not bear the thought of puppy going to a family I did not even know when he was ill. His stomach upset had worsened - I am sure the stress of my mother had not helped. She had contacted my friends and the breeder for advice who had all said the same thing - put the puppy in a time out if you need a break. But she said that was like imprisoning him and was cruel! Far better for him to run amok and her scream at him.

So puppy stayed with breeder who looked after him well and he had a happy holiday in a home he was familiar with.

But the kicker was that after she had got rid of puppy she texted me twice a day to tell me about big dog and how wonderful he was and how peaceful and lovely the house was now that puppy was not in it. She also kept a diary for me which listed all of the puppy's transgressions, how she handled them (badly). the advice she had received and ignored because it was bad advice, and the utter wondrous nirvana after puppy had gone.

[Cat of the Canals]

My grandmother (highly suspected BPD) had a morbidly obese cat like you described, easterncappy. I've tied her overfeeding the cat with my MIL refusing to accept that our dog can't eat off our dinner plates (a bad habit, for one, but he also has an extremely sensitive stomach). THEY feel good giving the animal food and treats, so despite the obvious negative consequences for the animals, they believe they should be "allowed" to do the feel-good thing.

MIL was fairly neglectful of her own cats. Several times they had festering wounds or other serious issues, and she wouldn't take them to the vet. She let her husband get rid of them on a whim. A few years ago, the cat my SIL had since she was 4 years old had to be put asleep. She was understandably upset and cried at the vet's office. MIL described this to my husband as, "She really lost it. It was pitiful." Not a SHRED of empathy, and she seemed baffled at the level of emotion my SIL was feeling. MIL doesn't have any pets now, and I'm glad.

My own mother thinks of herself as a Cat Mom but my dad is really the one who takes care of them (feeding, litterbox). They had two cats disappear within a year of one another - probably coyotes - and still refuse to keep them inside. Mom acts distraught when they go missing but obviously not THAT distraught.

When one of my cats had a prolonged illness, she told me, "Well, there are lots of other cats in the world." I guess the message being I should ditch this one and get a better model.  A few years later, she said the same thing to my brother when his cat was sick.

[easterncappy]

Before I posted this, I did some light Googling about narcissists (not that all of ours are narcissists) and pets. I found that a ton of it followed a very typical script:

Narcissist "loves" their pet. So much, in fact. The pet isn't allowed to have any rules, not even ones that are for it's health and safety, because that's meeeean (my mom also thought putting the dog in timeout or a crate was a vile form of torture - the dog literally always liked her crate). The pet's bad behavior is always excused with "aww haha she's just protecting!" or "stop being mean to her, she's allowed to bark at the people outside!". "The cat just likes to eat!" isn't recognized as animal abuse, the idea that a pet that you actually love needs healthy limits put on it's behavior is the real abuse.

Makes me think about how a lot of these people treat children, they'll often be the "cool parent" or "cool uncle" who can't understand that it's abusive to give a 12 year old liquor. Maybe the more strict PD's whose "parenting style" requires more obvious obedience to clearly stated rules treat their pets differently, I wouldn't know since I haven't met that many of those PD's.

I've noticed that a lot of PD people enjoy it when their pet behaves aggressively ("he's just protective"). No concern for the fact that a dog that's constantly lashing out is actually miserable and constantly stressed... or, that if they bite someone, that they might be put down. It makes them feel tough and mighty that their dog is an unpredictable mess. And the "protection" angle is a way to excuse themselves from training and properly caring for their pet.

Until, the dog gets cancer or something. Then it's like, meh. I read a couple of stories where people's "beloved pets that they couldn't live without" were put down and they genuinely never thought of it again. One story involved a dog being put down and the owner and his mother coming home laughing while holding fast food bags 2 hours after the fact.

I wonder if they view us the same way they view animals. Many articles claimed that PD's "can truly love their pets", but I've yet to see it. I think every living thing is just a toy to be thrown away when it's not convenient anymore.

[easterncappy]

My grandmother (highly suspected BPD) had a morbidly obese cat like you described, easterncappy. I've tied her overfeeding the cat with my MIL refusing to accept that our dog can't eat off our dinner plates (a bad habit, for one, but he also has an extremely sensitive stomach). THEY feel good giving the animal food and treats, so despite the obvious negative consequences for the animals, they believe they should be "allowed" to do the feel-good thing.

MIL was fairly neglectful of her own cats. Several times they had festering wounds or other serious issues, and she wouldn't take them to the vet. She let her husband get rid of them on a whim. A few years ago, the cat my SIL had since she was 4 years old had to be put asleep. She was understandably upset and cried at the vet's office. MIL described this to my husband as, "She really lost it. It was pitiful." Not a SHRED of empathy, and she seemed baffled at the level of emotion my SIL was feeling. MIL doesn't have any pets now, and I'm glad.

My own mother thinks of herself as a Cat Mom but my dad is really the one who takes care of them (feeding, litterbox). They had two cats disappear within a year of one another - probably coyotes - and still refuse to keep them inside. Mom acts distraught when they go missing but obviously not THAT distraught.

When one of my cats had a prolonged illness, she told me, "Well, there are lots of other cats in the world." I guess the message being I should ditch this one and get a better model.  A few years later, she said the same thing to my brother when his cat was sick.

My mom would both think the dog is some sort of bastion of wisdom beyond what any human being could comprehend, but also "What do you mean she didn't poop in the morning? You have to FORCE HER to poop..." (interesting how the dog's digestive issues almost entirely went away after I moved her away from my mom because she figured out she doesn't have to force herself to poop to be allowed back inside) and if the dog didn't appear to be drinking enough water, my mom would harass the dog with a bowl of water, even mimicking drinking water for the dog, as if the dog was too stupid to figure out when she needs to poop or when she's thirsty. But this same dog was supposed to be able to be able to analyze human personalities better than the top psychologists of the world could... I don't get it. Which is it? Or can she just like, be allowed to be a dog?

As for food that the dog couldn't have, "but she wanted to eat it" was the excuse a lot of the time. Because dogs and cats are totally capable of that degree of long term cause and effect thinking. I mean, they're also capable of analyzing the human soul beyond what any human can... oh, and they're too stupid to know when they're thirsty. WTAF?

I had a PD relative (probably narcissist, the only one who discarded me so far lol) whose dog was covered in fleas. When her kids complained, she said "everyone's dogs have fleas... only dogs on TV don't have fleas". They projected human emotions/thinking onto the dog, the way my mom did. "He's been crying since my dad died"... dogs don't cry, they have no tear ducts, the dog has some sort of eye infection.

The more I think about it, and the more I read people's replies here, the more I realize they don't really know what the hell a pet even is. It goes between "something on par with a human being" to "something greater than a human being" to "something lesser than a human being", all in under a minute. It's never just a dog or a cat that's allowed to be a dog or a cat.

[Poison Ivy]

My late father-in-law, who I think had an NPD, said mean things about companion animals. Most notable was a comment he made the final time I saw him in person (I went very low contact after this visit). Our dog had just had surgery to remove a tumor on her toe. FIL made a crack about shooting sick animals.

[Cat of the Canals]

As for food that the dog couldn't have, "but she wanted to eat it" was the excuse a lot of the time.

Yep. MIL literally says, "He wants some of my food!" And he also wants to eat random animal feces he finds outside, what's your point???

The more I think about it, and the more I read people's replies here, the more It goes between "something on par with a human being" to "something greater than a human being" to "something lesser than a human being", all in under a minute. It's never just a dog or a cat that's allowed to be a dog or a cat.

Perfect description. Because for all the times MIL has complained about not getting to feed him whatever she wants, when my husband would say no to some kind of outing because it would mean locking up the dog for hours on end, she'd roll her eyes and act like that was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard. "He's a dog. He'll be fine."

[easterncappy]

As for food that the dog couldn't have, "but she wanted to eat it" was the excuse a lot of the time.

Yep. MIL literally says, "He wants some of my food!" And he also wants to eat random animal feces he finds outside, what's your point???

The more I think about it, and the more I read people's replies here, the more It goes between "something on par with a human being" to "something greater than a human being" to "something lesser than a human being", all in under a minute. It's never just a dog or a cat that's allowed to be a dog or a cat.

Perfect description. Because for all the times MIL has complained about not getting to feed him whatever she wants, when my husband would say no to some kind of outing because it would mean locking up the dog for hours on end, she'd roll her eyes and act like that was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard. "He's a dog. He'll be fine."

Yeah. It kind of sucks having to cut social events short because I'm not comfortable with my dog being in her crate for more than a couple of hours. A couple of hours is a welcomed nap to her, more than that is probably just annoying and too restricting. But also, I signed up to take care of these little dogs until they die, even if it's not convenient. I think that's what a lot of PD's don't get - your responsibilities towards children and animals don't go away when the child or animal is less convenient to you.

On a related note, sometimes my mom and dad would play with the dog in ways that she'd repeatedly demonstrated she didn't like. She doesn't like her stomach being touched, at all. If you need to, you make her very aware of what you're doing and do it slowly (such as to cut some hair or apply ointment to that area), and it's fine. They'd always roughhouse with her and put their hands on her stomach and then they'd harshly scold her if she jumped away and yipped at them. Like, after years of this, you really can't figure out another way to play with her?

[Poison Ivy]

"your responsibilities towards children and animals don't go away when the child or animal is less convenient to you." My late father-in-law also expressed displeasure when attention was paid toward anyone other than himself or occasionally his wife.

[Amy-Rose]

The person in my life whose behaviour I often have problems with is also a dog/animal "lover". But it often seems that only when it suits her to be and doesn't put her out too much.

Her house pets get okay-ish treatment (walked twice a day, fed cheap crap, brushed occasionally) seems about it. But she's very disposing of them when it suits her and definitely favours her animals and the favoured one gets more thought. She frequently goes away to see "friends" and is forever looking for someone to dump her dogs on. The only people in her life (and she claims to have oh so many) is her senile Grandfather of 100 years and her drug and alcohol addicted son. These cats and dogs have to spend weeks with these two relatives while she's off spending time every months with her "friends". Her dog was hit by a car but not taken to the vets. Thought about putting her old blind, deaf, incontinent dog with limited mobility in a Kennel so she could go away (although I do wonder if that was just to guilt-trip and manipulate me into taking it for her) and wildlife from a cat but couldn't be bothered to take it somewhere for help or call anyone so just left it and allowed it to die (not before trying to dump it on me by telling me how good I am with sick animals).

If she gets a wind fall of money it's spent on her. The dogs still walk around in old collars and leads that are falling apart, both could do with seeing groomer for a good bath as they smell and one of her dog's has needed fleaing for a month and she still hasn't bothered but keeps trying to dump it on me.

Her foster dog had an upset stomach for the whole 4 months she had her and she just ignored it.

She volunteers at animal rescues and makes sure people know, but, when I went with her she seemed more interested in volunteering her tongue and her personal life. Didn't go near the animals, just the staff.

Too me, these aren't the actions and attitudes of an animal lover. Why pretend to be if you're clearly not?

[intothewest26]

My PD family are all odd with pets. I noticed a while back that my grandparents dogs are like their little golden children, especially with my grandma. Grandma is overly concerned about the dog they have now and will yell at the dog for doing basic dog things, then a few minutes later speak to the dog in a baby voice and act like she's the best dog ever. Doesn't want to leave the dog at home ever, even though this is an adult dog, and projects her own emotions onto the dog.

She says she gives her dogs Benadryl for "allergies," and I'm not positive about this but I have reason to believe she does this too much and too frequently. This is reflective of her taking this medicine in her own life. She tends to self medicate herself and not go to the doctor. I don't think she's been inside anywhere in a long time, out in public I mean, grandpa goes to the store even though he has trouble walking.

M has a very large dog (over 120 pounds) and he is not trained at all, he is almost out of control. Barks nonstop, which I get barking of course because he's a dog, but she makes no attempt to change the behavior which seems to come from anxiety. He's aggressive and almost attacked one of my friends (a stranger) once. When I tried to bring this up to her she minimizes and blames it on a bunch of things.

[intothewest26]

I should clarify since I said she doesn't like to leave the dog at home but also doesn't like to go out in public (she goes to the grocery store but sits in the car with the dog while my grandpa goes in)