Doubting my perception

[Jpmom3575]

Hi everyone!

I'm going to try to make the as brief as possible. I'm really just looking for fresh perspectives. I struggle terribly with trusting myself, as I am learning many of us do .

I have been with my husband for 27 years. He has been, in the past, incredibly abusive... physically, mentally, financially, sexually. I have left him 9 times and somehow always end up back here. In this place.

This time, I rented an apartment and left with my daughter. He "changed" (and I had to get away from my daughter's abuse so I came back tentatively and just paid the rent so she had a place to stay).

To be fair to him, he's done pretty well with managing his rages, trying to spend time as a couple (which I've actually come to hate...LONG AGO). As I'm writing this I realize how ridiculous that sounds. Even to me. He's still awful just not like he was. He apologizes when he flies into a rage or insults me (AFTER he points out how I intentionally misunderstood him...and I am just looking for reasons).

Anyway. I digress.

We both smoked for years. I quit 6 years ago using Chantix. We moved into this house 7 years ago and have never smoked in here. Last night, we're lying in bed, after having just watched a movie together. No arguments, no bad feelings. He picked up a cigarette, passed it to me and asked me if I'd light it for him. I laughed and said no and you aren't going to in here either. (!ind you we have a balcony off our bedroom he usually smokes on)

He did. And proceeded to blow smoke in my face. I didn't say a word. I got up and went into the bathroom. When I came out, I sprayed air freshener and got back in bed.

He looks at me with a sneer and said "aww did that bother you?" Nope I said. He said what was it? The disrespect?" I said whatever I just don't understand why you did that all of a sudden.

He launched into how he's been living with my disrespect for 7 years. The dogs have peed in this house. The roof is caving in. Why should he be left out. I'm floored and I feel like I've been sucker punched. This morning he got up slamming doors and throwing clothes and not speaking. He did tell me here I go again making things up because I want to start a fight with him. I feel like we've fallen back in time and I'm trying so hard to process this.

Was I right to get that he was intentionally disrespectful? Am I right to see that, his "changes" are built on lies--AGAIN? Or is my own perception skewed? Are these normal relationship issues that I see wrong?

Thank you!

[Empie2204]

Hello Jpmom3575!

I think you are right when you think your h is rude. Throughout my 28 years of marriage I often could not define whether some behaviors were rude or just "usual" marriage stuff.
When I left, the picture started to de-fog.
Just for an example, in normal marriages:
- a partner does not move to the living room and then accuses the other party of rejecting sex
- a partner does not come 2-3 times to bedroom when you sleep, to take some clothes or socks and leaves the light on and the door open.
Applying to your situation:
- a partner does not intentionally break the no-smoking rule in bedroom and blow the smoke into partner's face.

My impression is this is rudeness and immaturity.

[losingmyself]

Sounds like my H. Like, I can hear him saying "Oh, did that bother you?"  Once, he smoked many cigarettes on the bedroom with the door shut, and he wouldn't let me open the window. Why I just stayed there and suffered is beyond me. Shows how much I was in the fog.
This morning, he's acting all upset because I had the audacity to wear pajamas to bed last night. He said "What else are you going to take away from me?" I don't understand what it is that I took away from him, by wearing a t shirt to bed, but whatever.
Good luck to you.

[square]

You are correct. He actually explained to you that he was disrespecting you on purpose and why.

[Jpmom3575]

Thank you guys for your perspective! As you know, it's so hard to know what is up and what is down when we've been told for so long we're thinking wrong.

Empie....mine also does crap like that. His favorite was to turn on all the lights and turn the TV up as loud as it would go when I was trying to finally fall asleep after one of his tirades. How dare I think I was free to sleep, even though I had 3 small kids and a job I had to get up for in the morning.

Losing...yep that too. He has the right to BE and do whatever he wants and I may not question it. But let me wear something to bed....it's a full blown war. Literally. How dare I limit his access to anything he wants.

And square...yes thank you for that. Intellectually I knew that. And I also knew this was him sliding back into those old patterns again...likely to see how far he is able to push now. But I still struggle with trusting myself. Does that make sense?

Thank you all!!

[notrightinthehead]

You might find the information on this site helpful in order to decide if he really has changed.
https://www.btr.org/abusive-husband/