Middle aged male, Narc sister/business co-owner

[Frustrated Guy]

I see a lot of posts from females traumatized by male narcs and wanted to highlight the fact that I am a male traumatized by my sister who I also own my family business with. My point is that this personality disorder affects everyone and my heart goes out to those managing a personality disorder regardless of their sex.

I know sometimes these explanations can be a bit long-winded so I'll try to be short. I operate my family business together with my narc-sister. For years the typical patterns of narcissistic abuse repeated themselves however I often would concede that I wasn't perfect and accept that I may have made her upset. It was only recently that I put a name to the pattern (Narcissistic Abuse) and decided I would no longer accept it.

My sister is a Covert Narc with Vulnerable Narc traits. My wife and I are the brunt of her abuse (scapegoats) that includes dark triad traits, triangulation, and others. Her abuse has alienated us from our family (essentially my mother and ailing father). This is complicated by the fact that at the age of 40 my narc sister's husband unexpectedly passed away. This is absolutely tragic but has only further served to provide an excuse for her actions and mistreatment.

I have attempted limiting contact as I cannot go "no contact" because of the business, however, when her husband passed away my parents moved in next door to her. Her narcissism & inability or lack of awareness or desire to improve, makes the situation feel hopeless and reaches all aspects of my and my life (work, family, friends).

I have considered counseling, and since identifying and naming her traits and abuse, have read a lot. However, being informed and educated makes the situation feel even more hopeless, as I dont expect or care to try to get her to change.

I hope that by sharing my story (there is much much more) and reading how others have managed to find a way to move forward, I can help to heal myself, my wife, and my family of the injuries caused by my narc-sister's abuse.

[bloomie]

Hi Frustrated Guy. I am thankful you have reached out for support and encouragement. I am so very sorry for the circumstances you are living with both in your private and professional life with a sister whose behaviors and choices bring division, strife, stress, and harm.

I can closely relate to your situation as I have a sil who sounds very similar to your sister and for many years we have had to deal with family business ties along with the family dynamics just one covertly disordered person can bring to the mix. It is a lot to hold up under and navigate when you have elderly (in our case) parents in the mix and a sibling who is intent on alienating them, other extended family members, co workers, and close friends from our family.

For many reasons, we also cannot go completely NC, but we have done a great deal of work to learn how to disengage and offer as little N supply as possible - no matter the provocation. We are also 100% responsible for the well being of my mil (with strong disordered traits of her own) who aligns herself in cycles of outrage and confusion with her golden child daughter. It is an ongoing specter over our lives and it is incredibly hard. I imagine you and your DW may feel much the same and my heart goes out to you both.

This community has been a place to learn and grow, to share and develop skills and insights like nothing else I have ever been a part of. I hope, as you spend time here you will be encouraged and strengthened by people who absolutely get it in a way that even some of our closest friends do not.

The toolbox above is a great jumping in place. The glossary is filled with traits and info that I find really helpful. There are other online resources, book recommends, and most importantly the conversations taking place on the boards.

I look forward to supporting you as you find the best way forward with all you are facing. 

[Frustrated Guy]

Thanks, It's good just to be heard, and to hear your experience. Our situations really do sound very similar. I had casually sought online support groups in the past but didn't find any for a while, they all seemed like private referral services. I plan on digging deeper into this site to seek support and guidance.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She has caused trauma and stress in our family for decades. I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

By her abusive behaviour she has alienated everyone in our family.

Abusers are all about power and control.

I have not had any contact with her since our mother passed away over two years ago. I never want to see her ever again. I care about her but I can't cope with her abusive behaviour any more.

I have taken a long time to come to the decision to no longer have any contact with her.

I couldn't ever imagine how I could cope working with her. I used to see her regularly. I never knew what mood she would be in or what would upset her when I did. I got fed up hearing about all her waif like exaggerated health problems and people whom had done things to upset her. It all became so boring and predictable.

I realised that what she was doing was projecting all her problems onto other people and blaming them for how she felt. No one could do anything right.

What has helped me was realising that I can't change anyone else. I can only change and control how I behave towards them.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. My sister tried to provoke me into anger. I realised what she was doing so I remained calm. It wasn't easy to do if she was raging at me. I would lock myself in the bathroom until she calmed down or left. That way I learnt not to feed her narcissistic supply.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt a lot from her.

From Kris Godinez I have learnt that the dark triad of psychopathy, narcissism and Machiavellianism are the most difficult to treat. I can understand why.

Mindfulness meditations help me to remain calm. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. She gives regular free talks.

Her website is
www.tarabrach.com

We need to work on building our self esteem.

Observe, don't absorb.

The more we learn about personality disorders the better we are able to cope. I'm still learning.

It would be good for you to see a therapist. They will be able to help you more.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.