Irrational fear

[NarcKiddo]

In the thread about extreme paranoia

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=91745.0

Call Me Cordelia made a comment about knee-jerk fear reactions.

This struck a huge chord with me, because I have been exploring my hair-trigger fight/flight/freeze/fawn response with my therapist. In particular, how that is usually a fight (i.e. anger) response in me these days. And not just to my uNPD mother. To pretty much everything that even slightly irks me. I don't generally act on the anger or display it but of course I still feel it.

I've been skirting around the anger issue and said to my therapist I'd rather explore my many other problematic behaviours/thoughts first because the anger seems the most pervasive and other issues may feed into that. She's away at the moment, and in considering some of the other issues it occurred to me that my actual problem might be fear and the anger is triggered by fear.

I mean, I've lived my entire life fearing my mother. She has spent my entire life instilling fear within me, not only of her but of other people and situations. The taking of any risk at all is not approved behaviour.

So, I am wondering if others with PD people in their lives have trouble with irrational fear, and how they might have dealt with this?

[Andeza]

Hi! *raises hand* I have irrational fears as well. Perhaps the most obvious form of this is when there's a bad storm and I turn into a pile of jelly inside. This comes from two or three actually very dangerous experiences I had growing up where tornadoes were involved, and my mind still casts back to those old fears. Rather than seek shelter, my uBPDm would roam the house from window to window because she wanted to see the storm, while telling me to stay in the sheltered room. I remember yelling at her to get in the bathroom while watching the wind abruptly switch direction out the window. This appears to have done a number on me. My adrenaline spikes, my hands shake, my heart races, and I feel a very real need to run. I'm a grown woman with children now, and I find myself fighting tooth and nail to hide all of that reaction inside while taking reasonable steps. Such as taking the kids to my dad's house, which is legitimately safer in the event of a high wind storm. But, it's phrased to the kids as "Let's go play at grandpa's house!" And they get excited and they're happy with that. I've actually learned how to read weather radar because of this. Being able to do so has helped me wonder less and know more, which does help a bit, but not in the entirety.

Irrational fear has been with me my entire life. There's other areas where it impacts me. Unfortunately, I've not found any really good ways to resolve these fears. As such I have to deal with elevated anxiety levels on a daily basis. And of course, life keeps finding ways to push me into these circumstances where my fears become consuming.

[Jolie40]

don't know if it's "irrational fear" but I do worry more than most

know that worry or fear doesn't accomplish anything but maybe prepare one for something to happen?

for example, I once dreamed about a tornado coming at our house
wouldn't you know it in May, we had straight line severe winds that knocked several trees from neighbors into our yard & we got a hole in roof.....luckily insurance paid for new roof

I worry about child at school & sure enough this past year kid told me about being bullied
we filled out a school bully report & school put a stop to it

I need to not worry/be fearful cause stuff WILL happen
however, we can deal with it when it does

[Rosa Rugosa]

don't know if it's "irrational fear" but I do worry more than most

know that worry or fear doesn't accomplish anything but maybe prepare one for something to happen?

I feel like this too. Worrying about random and unlikely things, I tell myself that somehow it means I'm more prepared if something bad happens. I worry about cataclysmic weather or geological events, I worry everyone hates me as much as my PD Mother and Sister, I worry my partner will die every time he drives somewhere (this one comes from PTSD after car crash). I worry about failure. I worry about my nonPD Father and how he will be treated when he's too old to be useful. I worry about every interaction I have, replaying, to see if I did or said something I need to apologise for. I worry a lot.

For me, I think it was growing up with a volatile Mother and Sister. It trained my brain to be looking for the next threat, hyper vigilance for as long as I remember. I have probably always had some generalised anxiety disorder, maybe I have undiagnosed CPTSD. What ever the correct diagnosis, I know it's been with me since I was a kid. I used to think if I thought about all the bad things, because I'm not psychic, then chances are they won't happen. Statistically a little girl isn't going to accurately predict events, so If I think of them, it makes them less likely. (Is this magical thinking but maybe with maths not magic?)

I had some anger issues recently. It was when I started to learn about enabling and how my father choose to protect them over me. I was listening to a video by Therrapin Trees on YouTube. He covered this topic. I was pruning a fruit tree, made a wrong cut, got all tangled up and knocked off some fruit. I was so angry at myself and my Father, and a little at the innocent tree. I threw my secateurs like an angry toddler. I spent 40mins in the long grass looking for them. It gave me time to cool off and feel sufficiently silly. I was alone, no-one close by, so I knew I wouldn't hit anyone with them. Still, not something I want to repeat.

I like the idea from Stoicism;

"Be like the cliff against which the waves continually break, but stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it" - Marcus Aurelius

Right now I'm made of sandstone and my waves are my anxiety and swirling mind. It wears me down. I want to be made of granite, stronger and less effected by internal and external stress.

Another lesson from Stoicism that is helping me is to look at everything and decide what we can and cant change. We cant change how our PD people treat us. But we can change our response. We cant change what happens, we only have the ability to change how we react.

[Rosa Rugosa]

Sorry Jollie40, I messed up your quote.

[easterncappy]

I've had a problem with irrational fear, anxiety, and admittedly an anger problem my entire life. I spent a lot of my childhood scared, but not in the "authoritative parent gives strict rules and clearly stated punishments" way (more in the 4D chess "everything is a mind game" way that my mom was so good at), so I didn't really put it together until I was much older.

Sometimes when I get irrationally scared, I'm just copying my mom's behavior. She was a huge coward (not that merely being scared makes you one - it's her attitude that does), anytime someone stood up for something they believed in she said "graveyards are full of heroes", like it was some deep and meaningful statement. She was always convinced (or at least acted like she was) that she couldn't do anything about the conditions of her life... I wonder if she thinks this is why she's innocent in all of my dad's abuse towards me, because after all, in her mind she is totally powerless. Nothing was ever worth the risk, and even innocent suggestions were always met with a list of what could go wrong. Well into my 20's I had to be home by a certain time (it's normal in my culture to live with your parents until you're married although... not like this), and she insisted on location sharing on our phones "in case something terrible happens".

Eventually I realized how much of my life I'd missed out on by being that way. Whenever she started pointing out how unsafe something is, or how stupid people who take certain risks are, I started telling her "you're free to be scared, but the rest of us actually want to live our lives". Seriously, what is the point of living if you're just going to be a shut-in and do the "safest" possible thing at all times?

Fear controls this woman. And I still immediately jump to fear, what could go wrong in a given situation, anxiety all the way up to panic attacks*, etc. Except I don't want to be this way forever. It gets better over time. You learn to not be this way, one step at a time. I now recognize my panic attacks for what they are (usually), and I ride them out. I posted yesterday about checking my blood oxygen and blood pressure every time I'm "so dizzy I might faint and can't breathe"... and I'm usually fine. The panic is a feeling and it's not going to rule my life. Thinking about the risks of a decision no longer cripples me, they're just more factors to consider. It doesn't always work out this way, but it does get better if you start nipping it in the bud as often as you can.

*If I had a panic attack, it was "people in your generation just can't handle life" or "you're very lazy and just want everyone to do things for you all of the time". If she had one, I had to drive her to urgent care or the ER and listen to her cry for hours. Just thought that was funny.