Better late that never

[Clearhead]

Hi,
Introducing myself as a family member of an elderly PD sibling.
I have been reading about PPD and your forum was so enlightening and heart-breakingly real, I had to join. I'm an older person myself so researching mental health and joining online forums is very new to me.

My PD sibling, a senior, recently lost her husband who she was highly dependent on. She is not diagnosed but I know her so well and she ticks off nearly all the traits.

Her condition has been lifelong and has profoundly affected her immediate and extended family, including myself.
I saw a post where someone said they try to interact from a position of clarity and kindness.
To stay aligned with my personal integrity, I can't cut her off or reduce interactions to a text message.
I've always tried to shoot for a balance of clarity, kindness and self protection which has been a tough gig amid the chaos and toxicity. 
I've suggested therapy (for grief only) to her but she finds even the idea of it
very confronting.
Should I suggest to her that she has PPD and that she should seek help at this late stage in her life while dealing with loss ? I'm not sure it would constructive.
I'm going to tell her family that I'm seeking support via a forum. Her adult children don't talk about or use the term mental health per se - there's no calling it out. They just describe how difficult she has been to live with.
Bless you all.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You don't have to tell anyone anything about seeking support. They won't understand why you need support. We don't need to tell people what support we get any why.

I've never told my uBPD/NPD sister that I've been seeking support for over a decade. She has no insight into her abusive behaviour so there's little point in telling her. It would only inflame her more.

We can't change anyone else's behaviour. We can only change and control our own behaviour.

Observe, don't absorb.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens.

I call my uBPD/NPD sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I don't want any more contact with her. I care about her but I can't cope any more with all her histrionic behaviour and her projecting all her problems onto me. I've set firm boundaries. It's OK to put my needs first. I matter too.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

You may like to contact your local carers centre. They should be able to help you more.

I have been involved with several mental health carers support groups. We have supported each other through some very challenging times. I have learnt to talk about my feelings more. I recognised that I needed support from people who really understood what I was experiencing.

We need to work on building our self esteem.

We need to practice self care and radical self compassion. It's OK to look after our needs first.

When I was in contact with my sister I used to set limits on how much time I spent with her.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[bloomie]

HI there Clearhead!

Welcome to Out of the FOG. It is never too late to learn and grow and find healthy ways of handling the behaviors of family members that are causing us great angst and pain. I am really glad you found us and hope you will find the resources at the drop down menus above to be helpful along with the conversations taking place on the forum boards.

There is a lot to sort through as you begin to identify areas of your sister's life and choices you don't want to engage in anymore. How wise to reach out for support like you are doing and connect with others who are experiencing similar struggles in their family dynamics.

I would mention that in general, it is suggested we never mention to someone a particular diagnosis we believe may fit them as none of us are trained professionals, but what we can do... what you are doing, is recognizing life long, relationship damaging patterns of behaviors in your sister's life that have hurt and harmed you, her, and others. I would also gently suggest holding off on sharing with your sister's family the steps you are taking to heal from this until you are a bit further down the road. There is no rush and any push back you may receive could be discouraging.

Working on building a toolset and insights that lead to our developing healthy boundaries and learning to adjust our level of engagement in response to abusive and toxic behaviors is a worthy way to love - yourself and others.

As you settle in, take a good look through the resources - books, online articles, etc., that others have recommended. Read through the conversations and when you are ready, join in. Keep coming back and sharing, reading, learning, and asking questions. This is a place where people do understand the unique challenges in these difficult relationships and where you will find compassion and support.