First unwanted contact since going NC

[easterncappy]

There's a personal holiday in my culture that's akin to a birthday and depends on a condition of your birth, but it's not a birthday. I can't really say too much about it since it'll make it easy to Google something about me. Anyway, for me that day is tomorrow.

I haven't spoken to my mom since shortly after the birth of my daughter. Basically, she tried to sic my child molester dad on me when I was in the hospital giving birth, because I didn't answer her phone calls. I have told her repeatedly for a very long time that I don't wish to speak to him ever again and we have been NC since early in my pregnancy. She has always disregarded this. I told her what she did wrong and she hasn't bugged me since then.

I got a package in the mail with some baby gowns... what freaks me out is that it's a second set of ones that my husband bought, and I did want another set. They're the exact same ones, she'd have no way of knowing that. I'm sure it's just a coincidence but if you grow up hearing that "I just KNOW... spiritually... I can FEEL it..." about various issues from your mom, your brain comes to weird conclusions. Plus a card wishing me a happy day tomorrow, as if nothing happened.

I told my husband that it made me feel bad for her and like I should talk to her again. He told me that's exactly what she wants. I'm not willing to engage until it seems well-intentioned... and I'll always ask for a second opinion. By well-intentioned I mean a heartfelt apology where she recognizes what she did wrong and isn't backhanded.

I would have almost preferred that she's vindictive and angry about NC than pretending nothing has happened. At least that wouldn't be blatantly ignoring what she did. I know this is just a repeat of my childhood - something terrible happens, we go back to pretending nothing happened at all, you're the bad guy if you remember it.

Oh well.

[notrightinthehead]

Happy special day then!

Your post reminded me of my mom, she is long dead, she seemed to be able to read my mind too when I was a child and a teenager. It might be possible because they try to be so enmeshed, that they really on some level can tune into others. Not in the sense of mind reading, but more in the sense of being highly empathetic and having a heightened sense for others' signals. Which would be lovely if it was used for good.

[Starboard Song]

I would have almost preferred that she's vindictive and angry about NC than pretending nothing has happened. At least that wouldn't be blatantly ignoring what she did. I know this is just a repeat of my childhood - something terrible happens, we go back to pretending nothing happened at all, you're the bad guy if you remember it.

A lot of us feel that way. My MIL swings back and forth between continuing to spit out mean accusations, but then denying that she wants anything other than for us to be back in her life. It makes we want to argue: to prove to her the facts she ignores.

Don't let it get to you. I try always to remember that NC is not therapy or punishment. We are not trying to persuade or to teach. We have come to a decision and taken action to help us thrive. Their state of mind about it, and their understanding, should be quite beside the point. I don't live up to that, but it is an attitude to aspire to for all of us who've gone NC, I believe.

Be good. Be strong.

[lkdrymom]

Next time do not open the package.  Refuse it. That is what NC is.

[Cat of the Canals]

By well-intentioned I mean a heartfelt apology where she recognizes what she did wrong and isn't backhanded.

Ask yourself if that what this gift is... if a few items of baby clothing and a card can take the place of a genuine apology. Not in my book.

My PDmil is BIG BIG BIG on gifts as tokens of "good will." She would pretend that bringing us garbage (LITERAL garbage) from my husband's childhood bedroom closet was a valid excuse to show up on our doorstep unannounced, again, after we'd explicitly asked her to arrange visits with us. After her recent visit, where she behaved abhorrently, she is now trying to slither her way back into our good graces by sending us knick knacks from her husband's aunt (so no actual relation to my husband) who just died. 

It's lovebombing in its most empty, materialistic form. Don't fall for it.

[easterncappy]

Thank you everyone.

Happy special day then!

Your post reminded me of my mom, she is long dead, she seemed to be able to read my mind too when I was a child and a teenager. It might be possible because they try to be so enmeshed, that they really on some level can tune into others. Not in the sense of mind reading, but more in the sense of being highly empathetic and having a heightened sense for others' signals. Which would be lovely if it was used for good.

I know she can't read my mind. It was probably because we had similar taste in baby gowns, and because there aren't really that many to choose from on Amazon. And if she could read my mind, she wouldn't have projected so many terrible and untrue things onto me, or accused me of them. But it still creeps me out because of how often she'd say it!

I would have almost preferred that she's vindictive and angry about NC than pretending nothing has happened. At least that wouldn't be blatantly ignoring what she did. I know this is just a repeat of my childhood - something terrible happens, we go back to pretending nothing happened at all, you're the bad guy if you remember it.

A lot of us feel that way. My MIL swings back and forth between continuing to spit out mean accusations, but then denying that she wants anything other than for us to be back in her life. It makes we want to argue: to prove to her the facts she ignores.

Don't let it get to you. I try always to remember that NC is not therapy or punishment. We are not trying to persuade or to teach. We have come to a decision and taken action to help us thrive. Their state of mind about it, and their understanding, should be quite beside the point. I don't live up to that, but it is an attitude to aspire to for all of us who've gone NC, I believe.

Be good. Be strong.

You're right. She just can't be around my family. That's it. She stressed me out and made me feel terrible for 25 years, my husband doesn't want to deal with her, and my baby deserves a better childhood than I had. If she feels bad about it, or if it makes me feel bad sometimes (I do miss her - she could be very fun to be around when you caught her in a good mood), that's beside the point. I gotta do what I gotta do.

Next time do not open the package.  Refuse it. That is what NC is.

What do you suggest? Return to sender or throw it in the trash? I had never dealt with this before, I just opened it without thinking because I was curious.

By well-intentioned I mean a heartfelt apology where she recognizes what she did wrong and isn't backhanded.

Ask yourself if that what this gift is... if a few items of baby clothing and a card can take the place of a genuine apology. Not in my book.

My PDmil is BIG BIG BIG on gifts as tokens of "good will." She would pretend that bringing us garbage (LITERAL garbage) from my husband's childhood bedroom closet was a valid excuse to show up on our doorstep unannounced, again, after we'd explicitly asked her to arrange visits with us. After her recent visit, where she behaved abhorrently, she is now trying to slither her way back into our good graces by sending us knick knacks from her husband's aunt (so no actual relation to my husband) who just died. 

It's lovebombing in its most empty, materialistic form. Don't fall for it.

Yep. It's not enough. I'm looking more for a letter where she acknowledges at least the bulk of what she did wrong, politely asks for my forgiveness and for what she can do to fix it, and uses civilized people language the entire time. Never gonna get that.

I've posted before about how she loved to say "don't think I'm trying to (thing she's obviously trying to do), but...". One of those was "don't think I'm trying to buy your love, but..." and she was definitely trying to buy my love. She bought all sorts of kitchen stuff when we moved in here and tried to pay off my car loan when she suspected that moving out would be the catalyst for NC. And she'd often guilt trip me or others about not ceasing contact with someone because you have some item or another that they bought for you. Like I wasn't allowed to cut contact with my aunt who was equally crazy as my mom, because she bought an expensive kitchen table for me (that I still don't have and never will because she made it such a hassle to try to bring it to my house - I gave up and don't care anymore).

I also got a lot of literal garbage from my mom. Sometimes nice things, but sometimes it was just trash she picked up from other people. I got a lot of gross hand-me-downs like bras and shoes that were used, cheap, and haven't been considered stylish for decades. When other people did it to my mom, she said "I'm not a trash can!".

[NarcKiddo]

In your position I'm not sure if I would return the gift or not, now it is opened. I don't personally see the point of throwing it in the trash, though, especially as you like the items. She won't know if you have thrown it in the trash or not so the gesture seems futile unless you find it helpful, which you might. If they are exactly the same as the ones you already have then (if I was keeping the items) I would put the whole lot of them in the laundry together so I had no way of knowing which were from her and which were the ones I had already. Because otherwise I probably wouldn't want to use the ones from her (that's just a personal ick I would have).

I'm sorry she has managed to intrude in this way - but I guess it is no surprise.

Hope you and your daughter are doing well.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My mother would do the, "We're so much alike!!!" routine as well. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy in my experience. I survived my childhood by mirroring her, giving her the answers she wanted to hear. I adopted her tastes, opinions, etc. as a matter of my personal safety. Who I might have been was not a factor.

When I individuated, as a married adult, and decided I did not actually like bonnet geese decor and Brussels sprouts were delicious, I was dramatically punished with constant  "gifts" of stuff I explicitly said I did not like and severe verbal abuse for thinking myself so much better than my parents. It was so over the top. It was not about the bonnet geese. They were losing control.

So when your mother said stuff like she can feel it, read your mind, whatever, she's reading the script she wrote herself. That's cheating.

Return to sender is a response. And can give supply/fuel to the narcissists. Since you already opened it, feel free to donate the contents or do whatever. Since it's the same as you bought you could return through Amazon for credit. But yes if there are future packages maybe your husband can disappear them for you? Certainly don't send a thank you note!

When the rugsweeping act doesn't get her the results she wants she very well may switch to nasty and vindictive. I hope not for your sake.

[looloo]

You mentioned Amazon-do you have any lists (Wish Lists, etc.) on Amazon that are set to "public"?  If so, then your lists can be found by searching.  At least, this was the case the last time I looked, which was a while ago.  Maybe your mother did this?

[Starboard Song]

What do you suggest? Return to sender or throw it in the trash? I had never dealt with this before, I just opened it without thinking because I was curious.

I have strong opinions.

We went NC with my in-laws when my son was 11. They had told us that they wanted no relationship with us at all, ever. But they wanted to continue as usual with our son. My wife and I agreed that such an arrangement is a non-starter. Clearly so for a young child. Not so clear at all for an older teen. And a damn tough decision at 11 to 13 years old. But for us it was a non-starter.

We explained to our son in age appropriate terms what was happening, and that included this: cards, notes, and gifts from them wouldn't be accepted. They loved him and would continue to send things, probably. But our family would no longer accept them.

After that, everything went straight from the mailbox to an outdoor trash can. If we suspected something was valuable, we'd open it. Nice, new gifts were donated. Everything else went to the trash. We did this because Return To Sender is (1) not NC, (2) aggressive and engaging, and (3) not our job. We won't be turned into Return To Sender slaves. And if we did RTS, and occasionally missed one, they'd be thinking one got through. NC is not a game to be played and won: it is a clear boundary controlling my own behavior.

We felt that sending it back was two-way communication we never signed up for. We wanted our NC to be blacker than a blackhole. More silent than the vaccuum of space. We wanted it to be fully passive. That's what we have strived for. They've not ever gotten anything back to them with our handwriting. They have no idea whether anything was read or received or anything. We disappeared from their earth.

When our son was 17, we explained that he was becoming an adult. We gave him control over whether to read cards and letters, and whether to keep gifts. He has since started to read some, but he throws almost everything away and has never wanted to contact them. It is hard. That can go poorly.

We just did the best we could.

Be good. Be strong.

[treesgrowslowly]

Eastern cappy,

As the daughter of a narc mother myself, whose tactics have been very similar at times. I have strong words too:

Remind yourself - she wrote you a card as if nothing had happened.

That is a HUGE red flag for you to remind yourself of over the next year. I had to do that myself the first year or so that I went NC. I had to remind myself of all the times she rug swept my very real needs and concerns.

All of the realizations and truth and insights and connections you've made regarding your needs, all the writing you've done to us to reflect on how she's treated you, all of the good work you did to prepare yourself for your labour and arrival of your daughter and all of the stress you felt because of how this woman has treated you - think about ALL of it - all that has happened over the last while and remember: she's acting as if none of those things actually happened.

That's gaslighting, and they are very good at it.

All of that healing work was happening to you, for you, within you, and for you and your daughter to have a good life in the future. And this woman has reacted to it as if NOTHING had happened.

It's called rug sweeping - and it is all about their inability to address reality.

When they rug sweep - they mean it. You are not going to gain anything by going back into a conversation with her. She is in denial. She denies that your healing work is happening. She's in denial. You are not.

You are a new mom. You need to be supported by people who protect you from gaslighting and rug sweeping. Those are forms of emotional abuse.

The most important emotions in the world have happened to you - self-love, self-protection, getting Out of the FOG, and love for your daughter and a deep desire to protect her. That all happened in the last few months and your mother is not acknowledging any of it.

Until / unless she learns how to do that (which requires a lot of work on HER part, that you have NO responsibility for)...I would stick to your plan to protect yourself from her gaslighting, love bombing and rug sweeping.

How would you know when she's truly contrite and can make amends? Because she would stop rug sweeping. That is how you would know. She would grow up and grow into a person who can hear you, listen to you, appreciate your point of view, and no longer deny any of your feelings or experiences. Until that happens, I am sorry, you are going to get the same results you did in the past with her. 

As a fellow daughter of a narcissistic mother, I am truly sorry for you. I know the pain of having to realize that our own mothers cannot be there for us in a healthy way. That first year, I had to remind myself, over and over, that until she learns how to listen to me and accept 100% of what I say about myself, my past and my needs, without any denial at all, then the relationship with her is a NC relationship.

Trees