Sense of urgency

[Pepin]

Having the current space to process years of CN MIL's PD behavior has been eye opening.  I realized the other day that I was incredibly bothered by DH - I find him to be irritating in so many ways.  But what is it that is getting under my skin?  I realized that for years he has been operating with a sense of urgency.  This was his way of coping with having to care for CN MIL.  Our lives were seemingly expedited to make room for HER.  Decisions, vacations, meals, personal time, home repair, activities, etc. all had to be done quickly so DH could attend to her needs.  Cramming things in M-F; our home repairs being done hastily or poorly (or ignored); activities being questioned whether they are necessary or not; vacations being over filled and exhausting; meals being consumed quickly; lack of planning being done for just about everything because there wasn't enough time to make "good" decisions. 

Looking back over all these past things that set us up for where we are today is painful.  And sad.  We could have done so much better for ourselves.  Including CN MIL just made everything crazy and threw us off of a healthy trajectory as a family.  So much mess to clean up. 

One particular issue for me is that I am saddened to realize that I feel trapped in my smaller size home that I hoped would keep me safe....that I consciously chose to move to knowing that we'd have no extra room for guests of any kind -- because I was worried that at some point DH would want to move CN MIL in with us.  I expected her to live another 10 years.  Now that she is gone, I am unhappy  that our home is not more accommodating.  I actually feel embarrassed that we cannot have people over and feel comfortable with the space that we have.  We cannot move right now and must live with what we have.  When we moved we were ready....but we were hasty in taking this house -- and sadly, I made the case for it because I was being led by wanting to exclude CN MIL as much as possible.  I needed space from her and the decision cost my being able to surround myself with others.  Such a tough lesson to swallow. 

DH's sense of urgency completely fueled my vigilance and therefore I acted in haste, too. 

DH has a long way to go as he unwinds from living with urgency...and it is difficult to watch.

[moglow]

Pepin, I would imagine it takes time to decompress from that kind of stress for so long. I liken it somewhat to a pet health's declining, how we need to change up our lives to accommodate and be there for them. Then when they're gone, suddenly there's that "room" available. Difference is, pets really are dependent on their humans, where an [some] elder can still maintain a certain amount of independence but leans heavily on family members to "do" for them because they're all alone and what not. It does kind of make me wonder though if Dh used all that as a shield of sorts, hiding behind her as it were.

Side note:  This makes me think of how Mother used to make snide comments about one of my aunts being "a professional widow." Far as I know she simply never remarried. I honestly don't know that she ever dated after my uncle passed, and I'm assuming that was by choice. By the same token she didn't demand that others drop everything and take care of her either. [Karma drives a big bus - mother was younger than I am when she commenced her widow-hood, I'm sure she's had very few if any nibbles. I do know that she chased HARD after a couple of gentlemen who had sense enough to steer clear.]

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pepin,

Wow what you wrote here is really some deep insight into how your own life has been affected by your MIL and her effect on your own DH.

I really think that over the next few weeks and months, you will feel your way through this grief process you are going through. The realizations about the many losses you've had to endure. Sometimes we don't even recognize some of the losses that we've had. It can be months or years later that we think back and realize wow, that was something I needed, and it wasn't there. (like to live without that urgency propelling your daily schedule).

I think that it is good that you've recognized this particular loss - the loss of a more pleasant / calm lifestyle instead of the rushed state that you were part of  / witnessed for so many years.

I know for me, it can feel truly shocking to look back and realize how one family member's narcissism (i.e. your MILs) impacted the other people (i.e. your own family) that much.

In my experience as well, so many decisions were made that in hindsight, were because we were trying to make some narc family member happy. It never worked, but it is only in hindsight that I could see it for what it was. At the time it was hard to see. (and wow, when I look back now, I can see how this was a real one-way street. I was always trying to make them happy but were the narcs trying to make me happy? not a chance! There is grief in realizing that).

Living with that sense of urgency - whether it was imposed by a demanding / immature parent, or whether it is imposed by a boss or relative or friend or partner - it can give a person structure in a confusing world.

Before I went NC, one of the ways my uNPDM stressed us all out was to create that sense of urgency - that we should live as if we are always just about to miss the train leaving the station. It wrecks havoc on the nervous system! In hindsight I know that this was a way to get supply - if we actually FELT our desire to rest and pace ourselves, it would lead to having boundaries with her - which was a no no. So she kept us in a state of 'panic' and 'urgency' because it gave her more access to us, and more supply, it made it less likely that we would rest long enough to then realize that she was being manipulative.

Apparently a lot of charismatic leaders of high control groups use the same tactic - they keep their followers very very busy so that people become disconnected from their need for rest and contemplation (because if they have time to think, they might think about leaving the leader). Narc tactics are narc tactics.

Even if it stressed them out, a lot of people will try so hard, well into adulthood, to make their parent happy.

I read your post and I think, ah yes, healing is all of it - it is recognizing what we gave up, because at the time we thought it was a good solution to a problem, or we coped in a way that made sense at the time, but now we know we want to actually get those needs met, not just bend ourselves around the needs of others!

Sometimes healing involves looking around and saying, oh darn, this is really not the house I would have wanted to be living in at this stage in my life.

Along the path to emotional freedom, I suspect many of us come to a realization that we made some decisions based on protecting ourselves from a narc in our family. And then we get to a place where we can reflect and realize, if I had not needed to protect myself from the narc (i.e. if I had not needed a home that doesn't have a guest room), where would I be living? What would I have done had I been able to just make decisions based on my preferences, not a need to protect myself from a narc?

I hear you about the cramped home space as well. The last 2 years of being home a lot more than ever before certainly revealed to me that we had chosen a space that served us years ago, but does it really serve us today?

It sounds like you made a very wise decision back in the day, to have a house that could be a physical boundary - by not having the space for guests to stay over. Those of us here understand that. So many boundaries are needed with narcissists - and I suspect there are others who have done the same thing - lived in a space that doesn't have room for guests, so that narc relatives can't stay over. Physical boundaries are part of how we protected ourselves from people who wanted to bring drama into our lives. 

While you cannot move out of the house, which would be great if you could, hopefully you'll find some creative way of making some corner of the house more friendly to your new self, where you are today. I know this is hard. I'm right there with you on this one.

It is hard not to frame this as a punishment since you are the one left in the house, and "feeling trapped" as you wrote. I suspect that feeling will lessen over time. It is healthy to recognize how we had to make sacrifices to keep ourselves safe in the past.

What I hear is that you now know that by staying in a too small house, you'll continue to sacrifice. And that sucks. I hear you. In the past, that house gave you some protection since you knew she couldn't stay over. It served it's purpose. The house you are in today played a valuable role in helping you navigate a really crummy situation that you didn't ask for (that no one asks for!).

It is a lot easier when these realizations are around smaller objects than a house. We all have those moments where we clean out our closet (for example) and think, ugh , these expensive shoes I bought for x sport that I'll never use again! And we can make peace with how "well, at one time I thought I'd be in that sport and enjoy it and now I've changed". And we donate the expensive shoes we barely used - and move on. With a house, it is not so simple at all! It is much harder to say, hey guys this house doesn't suit me anymore, time to move! (I realize some folks can do this - but a house is way harder to change than a pair of shoes is my point. So I understand your frustration).

I just don't want you to feel that this trapped feeling is going to last forever. Even if you have to stay in that house, you are in the process of realizing things, so the emotions are going to be flowing quite a bit. As you wrote in a different post, this grief process can take a full year. Hang in there.

Trees

[Pepin]

Before I went NC, one of the ways my uNPDM stressed us all out was to create that sense of urgency - that we should live as if we are always just about to miss the train leaving the station. It wrecks havoc on the nervous system! In hindsight I know that this was a way to get supply - if we actually FELT our desire to rest and pace ourselves, it would lead to having boundaries with her - which was a no no. So she kept us in a state of 'panic' and 'urgency' because it gave her more access to us, and more supply, it made it less likely that we would rest long enough to then realize that she was being manipulative.

This.....just this.  And I wonder if DH will ever realize this?  Maybe years from now....or maybe he will keep it to himself out of shame.

I often forget (since I only recently had the realization) that DH is also a C-PTSD survivor like myself.  The difference though is that he hasn't admitted to the trauma he endured.  He was heavily parentified and seems entrenched in believing that it was necessary and an act of loyalty.  He was smart, helpful and available and it was a benefit to the family and kept him from being embarrassed.  But.  It meant that he missed out on a lot of things.  He didn't form close relationships with his siblings.  He didn't get to partake in activities that were age appropriate.  His younger self was largely ignored and he received more food as compensation - which led to unhealthy eating practices and a very large size.....which in itself was another thing that set him apart from his peers and even his siblings.  No one was overweight like he was.  He was prevented from understanding how to care for himself because it was so important that he care for others.

I'm trying not to beat myself up over our current home that much but it isn't something I can ignore.  If anything, it makes me pay attention to the house more and pushes me to keep updating it and maintaining it.  But I still have my moments when I realize how overwhelming living here is by having to make compromises.  I am actually tired of making compromises in my life and now that CN MIL is gone, I shouldn't have to - and particularly at my age.  I know at some point in the next several years we will move.  And I will be very careful about that as it will obviously encompass the last phase of my life before I elect to move into an AL type of facility.  My wish is to make it as easy as possible for my adult children as I age.  Watching what CN MIL did to DH and his siblings during her final years was excruciating, complicated and selfish.  It was a final damage that none of them could have anticipated. 

While I am well past the halfway point in my life, I don't see a need to hurry up and get through it like I did before.  But I would like to hurry up my grieving so I can get on with life....if that makes sense.   

[Pepin]

Pepin, I would imagine it takes time to decompress from that kind of stress for so long.

It does kind of make me wonder though if Dh used all that as a shield of sorts, hiding behind her as it were.

Yeah, I think it will take time to decompress from living with urgency.  I didn't notice it was something he was even doing until recently -- because I've been hovering in a place of hyper self awareness and questioning everything that triggers me.  It makes so much sense though.

And I get what you mean about him using her as shield for this type of behavior.  He thought he didn't have a choice - though we all know he did.

Which brings me to another point that I am grappling with -- CPTSD.  We both have it but I am the only one who recognizes that I have it and that he also does, too.  I don't think he understands that I live with CPTSD  -- and that he also has it.  He doesn't think that the way he was raised was dysfunctional yet I think and know it was.  His behaving from a place of urgency is a form of dysregulation - which is a common CPTSD response.  Therefore, whenever I would bring something up for discussion or ask for clarity, he would get angry at me -- when it was really misdirected anger, meaning that he was having difficulty understanding that the problem was his response to his mother's behavior towards him.  He literally didn't know what to do with her other than to keep complying with her demands.  It was the easiest way to deal with her and get her approval.  His life has largely been guided be her approval which leaves me wondering when he is going to eventually run out of steam from not having that approval anymore...perhaps that is when he will finally have reached a place of decompression and just start living in peace. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Pepin,

One thing I've learned about C-PTSD, some people feel relief when they find out this is what they have - but for other people, they don't like the label. They just don't. I get it, but I am one of those "relief" people myself. Maybe you are too - where knowing is better than not knowing what we are dealing with!!

You have a lot of compassion for your DH, you know what he's been through, and you know, from your own work and learning, how shame plays such a big role in all of this. I agree with you, he may not be keen to see his C_PTSD right now.

Tired of making compromises! Yes to that!

Personally in terms of getting that healing / grieving process to speed up a bit, I agree with what Crappy Childhood Fairy says on the subject of how to speed up healing. I have found personally that journalling has helped me to speed up some of the processes because if I am willing to just get it all onto paper and off my chest, onto a page that no one will read but me, (maybe a therapist), I often get realizations that are like aha moments that I had no idea were coming. Sometimes I just write and write and write, even if it doesn't make 'sense' I will let out as much verbiage as I can onto the page, and it tends to lead to feeling lighter afterwards.

I think this is why the 'unsent letter' place in this forum is helpful to folks here. Sometimes writing it out and knowing it is just to get stuff out of our heads / off our chests, can help to speed up the process.

Would love to talk more about the topic of processing grief more smoothly / quickly. I bet others have some good ideas too? Creative outlets or other activities that help process emotions? I've scheduled massages for myself weekly at times, and am reading about how to get stuck emotions out of the body.

Trees

[Pepin]

Hey Pepin,

One thing I've learned about C-PTSD, some people feel relief when they find out this is what they have - but for other people, they don't like the label. They just don't. I get it, but I am one of those "relief" people myself. Maybe you are too - where knowing is better than not knowing what we are dealing with!!

You have a lot of compassion for your DH, you know what he's been through, and you know, from your own work and learning, how shame plays such a big role in all of this. I agree with you, he may not be keen to see his C_PTSD right now.

Tired of making compromises! Yes to that!

Personally in terms of getting that healing / grieving process to speed up a bit, I agree with what Crappy Childhood Fairy says on the subject of how to speed up healing. I have found personally that journalling has helped me to speed up some of the processes because if I am willing to just get it all onto paper and off my chest, onto a page that no one will read but me, (maybe a therapist), I often get realizations that are like aha moments that I had no idea were coming. Sometimes I just write and write and write, even if it doesn't make 'sense' I will let out as much verbiage as I can onto the page, and it tends to lead to feeling lighter afterwards.

I think this is why the 'unsent letter' place in this forum is helpful to folks here. Sometimes writing it out and knowing it is just to get stuff out of our heads / off our chests, can help to speed up the process.

Would love to talk more about the topic of processing grief more smoothly / quickly. I bet others have some good ideas too? Creative outlets or other activities that help process emotions? I've scheduled massages for myself weekly at times, and am reading about how to get stuck emotions out of the body.

Trees

Yeah....when I understood that I was living with C-PTSD I was relieved.  It really made sense in terms of how I responded to certain situations and the constant triggering I was subject to with CN MIL - with her it was nearly impossible to escape without having the rest of my life crater.

It took some time to also understand that DH suffers with undiagnosed C-PTSD -- but it made things so much more tolerable for me to understand why he was responding and more importantly, REACTING to things the way that he was.  I have way more sympathy for him than I do CN MIL. 

The Crappy Childhood Fairy has been a massive strength for me.  I've been reduced to tears listening to her words and how she just gets it.  She has the capacity to get down to the smallest detail and untangle it.

I have considered switching over to Out Of The Storm but I don't know how.  My C-PTSD has multiple layers and it is confusing to keep those layers separate the way I have been able to do here.  Not only that but my childhood was enveloped by a completely different PD - raging NF.  CN MIL is a completely different vein of PD and everything that I did to survive NF and go NC was not really the right fit for dealing with CN MIL -- particularly because of DH being involved.  I essentially walked from one PD right into another -- there was overlap -- but the main abuse from CN MIL didn't ramp up until after I went NC with NF.  Her being a peripheral abuser vs. a spouse or parent was just *damning* to say the least. 

To date, I have only come here to write about CN MIL.  I don't feel safe writing anywhere else for fear of DH finding out.  No home device is safe.....slim chance that even coming here is unsafe.  I have been here for many years...detailing it all since there has been no one to talk to.  Saw a special therapist( who dealt with narcissism) years ago who actually diagnosed CN MIL as the PD in my life after I had gone NC with NF.  I was stunned.  I had no idea.  My world was forever changed and I am still amazed that I am here today.

[Leonor]

Hellooo dear Peppin,

When my therapist first diagnosed me with CPTSD, I remember asking her in this small trembling voice, "But ... is it chronic?"

And she threw her hands up in the air and said, "Leonor, life is chronic!"

Not only did I absolutely love her forever after that, she was spot on.

Life is chronic. We're here for the long haul, and there's no checklist to mark any of it off as 'done' ... Until it's all done. We can live in healing, with patience and compassion and openness and emotion, or we can live in fear and anxiety and rush and avoidance and trauma.

And isn't it interesting that just as your husband's rush and stress triggers you, that you rush and stress yourself for not being "all healed up" yet? 

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Leonor. I needed to read "life is chronic" today.

[Pepin]

And isn't it interesting that just as your husband's rush and stress triggers you, that you rush and stress yourself for not being "all healed up" yet? 

Yup.  That was exactly one of my main points.  I just want to move on with my life as if she didn't exist.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I've been waiting for this freedom for a very long time and I don't really want to waste much of it.