Cards and sideswipes!

[nanotech]

I've come a long way. I can deal with much of what goes on with my PD dad. But can anyone advise- sometimes the  phone chat is going well- then he suddenly sideswipes me with nastiness. The vehicle he employs is usually a subject change, followed by a short sharp sentence.
It always follows niceness. It follows adult behaviour, and it immediately puts me in naughty child territory, with him as the stern parent.  I'm 63. He's 90. 
I don't see it coming. And then I fall for it. I don't JADE any more, thank goodness, but I do complete the old pattern by answering, instead of calling out his mood change and sudden impatient, angry  tone. The tone dissipates, but the damage is done and it's lingered on me now for three days following the phone call.
This last time he was talking  calmly ( though he was bragging and arrogant which I grey rock)  then suddenly, wham
' Is ( my son his grandson) coming up soon, OR NOT?
I could hear a lot of barely disguised spitefulness in the last two words. His breath changes too, heavy and impatient.
Back story- There's a birthday card for my son, from my narcissistic  dad, sitting at my house. Son has recently moved a very long distance away, to be closer to his daughter. He's wanted to do this for years  but simply couldn't afford it.  He's seen a lot of his daughter but it's meant a lot of motorway journeys and relying on the holiday times for access. Dad he thinks everyone should put him first, before their children.  The whole WFH thing created  by the pandemic, has enabled him to move and take his job with him.  This action in itself - well my dad hasn't liked it. Faint praise was thrown at it by dad, followed by a lot of doom and gloom of all that could go wrong.

But I digress😉.

Son's present address is temporary, so I had asked  dad to send his card to our address instead. ( He's  fixated with the giving and receiving of cards and the thank -yous to him that must follow. He also usually puts money in  cards, and he has to receive a thank you for that.) Our son was due a visit to us that month so it wasn't going to be a problem.

Also when my daughter was living in flats with communal letterbox,  a card  from dad, with money in it  was lost? stolen? Who knows? We had to pretend  it got there fine and thank him for the money!

So we thought it best this one came to our address.

Did dad write the correct address? He has twice written the wrong surname on our granddaughter's card. She carries my son's name and dad knows this. One time it was the surname of her ( half) brother ( different dad who has had nothing to do with the family, even his own child, so this was very random!) another time it was her mum's surname. I intercepted the last one, found a new envelope and rewrote the address.

However, when son was due to come up both myself and husband had  covid. Visit cancelled, so the card  still sits at my house. I'm going to send it on to son's abode next week. It's too much to deal with!
I'd rather he didn't send any money, or a card. Our son has zilch relationship with him. My dad just fusses over cards and money.  I think narcissists do this a lot. The card thing is not proportionate to the relationship. I guess it's for show.
I wish he wouldn't place money in cards. Once done, all of his anxiety about losing it and looking foolish rises,and he then tries to transfer that to me.
He won't use internet banking for fear of being scammed. I really don't think he could bear the 'shame' of it, that's how he sees is. Dad's biggest fear is looking stupid.

Cards are such an obsession!  This flipping 90th birthday party is coming up in September. As soon as he booked it he got out all his cards and put them up again in his living room.( his actual birthday was six months ago!) and then rang me to tell me he couldn't find a card from one of my daughters!  She had sent  him an amazing present, and I'm sure a card too but he was trying to make a huge drama out of not being able to find it. But to be honest, so what if she hadn't sent a card too?   

There was no big party at the time because of  lingering worries on covid, so this is the reason for the delayed party. He's booked it all himself and everything is happening the way he wants it! I'm dreading it but I'm going to go. It will probably be the last family function I attend. There'll be his funeral, then no more contact with the two n siblings either. I'll keep a light touch with younger sis because I'm hoping that once dad passes on she won't be scared of the other two, and will stop doing their bidding in order to keep herself safe from them.
Hubby will be there with me at the party and he's told me he's not going to leave my side. So there's my ally. My dad is more careful around husband, as are the siblings. They'll try to drop some drama in there, I've starved them of supply for SO long! I'll have all of my toolbox techniques ready! And I'm not staying all day!

It's the ongoing phonecalls I truly struggle with. When it's just me and dad, he sideswipes me.
Soooooooo, how do I handle these sudden sideswipes?

[NarcKiddo]

My approach would be to employ "observe, don't absorb". Look out for the side swipe every single time you are on the phone to him. When it comes, your brain should have time to register it, because you have been waiting for it, and, aside from the slight glee you might feel that he has done what you expect (which is a bonus), you should find you are a bit removed from the reaction and can deal with it. If you haven't tried that approach then perhaps give it a go.

[Sneezy]

My dad just fusses over cards and money. 

Cards are such an obsession! 

Oh my gosh - same with my mom!  Cards are an absolute obsession with her, too.  And I can't really understand why, although there is certainly a lot of drama around buying the right card, not paying too much for it (hence, her obsession with The Dollar Tree, which sells two cards for a dollar), sending cards, receiving cards, calling to say thank you for cards, being thanked appropriately for cards she sends, and - last but not least - insisting on mailing cards with cash or gift cards in them and then worrying for days about whether or not they will arrive.  I have told her many times that if she wants to send one of her grandchildren an amazon gift card, she can order it directly from amazon and they will deliver it, for free, in a cute little box.  But no - she insists on buying a greeting card, buying a physical amazon gift card to put in the greeting card, mailing the whole thing, and then worrying about it and calling every day for several days to ensure that it arrived safely.  But now I'm digressing 

The sideswipes are really tough.  They come out of the blue.  Just when you think you are having a somewhat normal and pleasant conversation, BAM!  Something nasty must be said about somebody or something.  I don't know if it's a way to confuse us or to keep us feeling uncertain.  Maybe it's just a reminder that they are miserable and we should never assume that they are happy and content.  Maybe it's just one more way to get attention.  Or maybe it's just because they love misery.  I am not good at handling the sideswipes, but the best way I can think of is to double down on the medium chill.  If you don't know what to say, give it the old "ohhhh......  well........ that's something ........  I just don't know."  And hopefully think of a way to change the subject back to something innocuous.  Or. when all else fails, ignore the sideswipe and say "sorry to cut you off, gotta go, the dogs on fire" 

[Cat of the Canals]

My favorite sideswipe response is, "I don't know what you mean." Sometimes I'm playing dumb, but in this particular case, I would mean it quite literally. Are you supposed to be arranging visits between your adult son and father???? Or answering for why your son hasn't visited? Absurd.

Other potential sideswipe responses: dead silence or a detached/slightly-chillier-than-MC, "What?"

PDmil is such a card fanatic that she has been known to send two, just because she already sent one and then found another she "just had to buy." 

[notrightinthehead]

My strategy is to mirror back, that is if I catch it by being sensitive to my feelings,  in your case that would be a reply like " you are keen to know when son comes."  And continue doing so.
In my case my emotional response is not so much to what has actually been said but to what is implied. I improvise here - it could be something like "you have no control over your son. He behaves badly because you were a bad mother. You are a no good person."  I can control my emotional response by focusing completely on the other person and postponing my triggered emotional response to when I am off the phone. Then I work through my anger and fear.  It reduces my unbalanced time from days to hours. Good luck to you!

[nanotech]

My approach would be to employ "observe, don't absorb". Look out for the side swipe every single time you are on the phone to him. When it comes, your brain should have time to register it, because you have been waiting for it, and, aside from the slight glee you might feel that he has done what you expect (which is a bonus), you should find you are a bit removed from the reaction and can deal with it. If you haven't tried that approach then perhaps give it a go.

Narkiddo thank you- a timely reminder for me. Be detached, and expect it!

[nanotech]

My dad just fusses over cards and money. 

Cards are such an obsession! 

Oh my gosh - same with my mom!  Cards are an absolute obsession with her, too.  And I can't really understand why, although there is certainly a lot of drama around buying the right card, not paying too much for it (hence, her obsession with The Dollar Tree, which sells two cards for a dollar), sending cards, receiving cards, calling to say thank you for cards, being thanked appropriately for cards she sends, and - last but not least - insisting on mailing cards with cash or gift cards in them and then worrying for days about whether or not they will arrive.  I have told her many times that if she wants to send one of her grandchildren an amazon gift card, she can order it directly from amazon and they will deliver it, for free, in a cute little box.  But no - she insists on buying a greeting card, buying a physical amazon gift card to put in the greeting card, mailing the whole thing, and then worrying about it and calling every day for several days to ensure that it arrived safely.  But now I'm digressing 

The sideswipes are really tough.  They come out of the blue.  Just when you think you are having a somewhat normal and pleasant conversation, BAM!  Something nasty must be said about somebody or something.  I don't know if it's a way to confuse us or to keep us feeling uncertain.  Maybe it's just a reminder that they are miserable and we should never assume that they are happy and content.  Maybe it's just one more way to get attention.  Or maybe it's just because they love misery.  I am not good at handling the sideswipes, but the best way I can think of is to double down on the medium chill.  If you don't know what to say, give it the old "ohhhh......  well........ that's something ........  I just don't know."  And hopefully think of a way to change the subject back to something innocuous.  Or. when all else fails, ignore the sideswipe and say "sorry to cut you off, gotta go, the dogs on fire" 

This is exactly my experience of how my Ndad is about cards! My UNBPDMUM was just the same!  Honestly I wish they wouldn't bother.
They've also been weaponised at times, largely by my siblings, but also by Ndad.  This is in terms of the card carrying a message of sorts in order to intimidate, mock or sometimes lure me back with love- bombing.
Nightmare 
Yes, he really hates medium chill!  Yet he never calls me out on it. I need to keep on with it!  It does feel like these swipes are thrown in there to confuse and disarm us.

[nanotech]

My favorite sideswipe response is, "I don't know what you mean." Sometimes I'm playing dumb, but in this particular case, I would mean it quite literally. Are you supposed to be arranging visits between your adult son and father???? Or answering for why your son hasn't visited? Absurd.

Other potential sideswipe responses: dead silence or a detached/slightly-chillier-than-MC, "What?"

PDmil is such a card fanatic that she has been known to send two, just because she already sent one and then found another she "just had to buy." 

Yes, and do you know what? I know this! It's in the toolbox isn't it? Something about
acting kind of confused and puzzled and asking for clarity on that?
It's a great way to derail them without a confrontation. I have used it before but I haven't needed it for a while.  So it got forgotten!
Ndad doesn't say so, but me and my husband  both think he doesn't rate our son. He prefers  my Nsister's son. Nsister's son does visit him and he remembers to send Ndad cards and presents.  My son does care, sometimes sends Bdad presents, but doesn't ring my dad often, or go see him. My son doesn't play the games and I love him for that.  Nsister's son visits and talks down his mother because it pleases my father.
YET Ndad still seems very annoyed with my son for moving away from FOO  to live close by his daughter. This is in contrast with my feelings -of it being one of the best things ever he's done in his life.
He also assumed that he must be moving back in with her mother, his ex partner. In other words, there must be something more in it for him than parenting duties.
I did challenge that when he said that!  It felt almost as if it was 'disallowed' for my son to do something unselfish and responsible. On another phone call he spoke about my son being 'all the way down there now ' and therefore unable to attend his 90th birthday party!
Thank you for this important reminder on simply acting confused and asking for clarity- and I'm going to use it.

[nanotech]

My strategy is to mirror back, that is if I catch it by being sensitive to my feelings,  in your case that would be a reply like " you are keen to know when son comes."  And continue doing so.
In my case my emotional response is not so much to what has actually been said but to what is implied. I improvise here - it could be something like "you have no control over your son. He behaves badly because you were a bad mother. You are a no good person."  I can control my emotional response by focusing completely on the other person and postponing my triggered emotional response to when I am off the phone. Then I work through my anger and fear.  It reduces my unbalanced time from days to hours. Good luck to you!

Yes I think those are exactly the sorts of criticisms being implied. Thank you for articulating that for me. I had quite an emotional moment reading your comments. You've explained to me why I felt upset and somehow shamed by these seemingly innocuous questions.  They  are very loaded. I have suffered the burden of them a lot, and often, but I'd never really analysed the full intent.
Absolutely. It's something that seems incredibly subtle yet screamingly obvious at the same time. 

With my FOO it's all very passive aggressive. It means that everything they do is deniable, and that serves, of course, to block a right of reply. If I ever called them out, it was always me being over -sensitive and of course they 'hadn't meant anything of the kind' or it was 'just a joke'. It's even been suggested that to challenge them thus I must be losing my sanity.
Thank you. I'm going to have a try at postponing my triggered response.

[nanotech]

Thanks everyone who answered me- all of you have helped me so much.
Onwards and upwards! XxxxX