Leaving the abuse with newborn baby

[Jess4567]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We have a 3 month old daughter who spent 9 days in the nicu and had an extremely traumatizing birth for us all. She is the love of my life.

That being said, my boyfriend is certainly a narcissist without any doubt. I had no idea about this until after I got pregnant. He was a completely different person when I met him. Since I've been pregnant (which he wanted, by the way) he has become insanely controlling and possessive as well as more verbally abusive than ever. Since the baby has been born, the physical abuse started.

He is obsessed with the fact that I dated someone before I met him. He brings the guy up every other day now. He's been bringing him up a few times a week for over a year, and it's now at the point where every single day he brings him up. If I voice any concern with anything my boyfriend has done, he completely ignores it and brings up the guy I was dating before him and avoids any of his own wrong doings. He is triggered if I say "but that doesn't have anything to do with our current relationship, I dated that guy before I met you" this makes him go insane. He calls me a slut and disgusting and insults my friends and family. He disagrees with me for dating the guy I did for 6 months and sleeping with him one time. He says I should have known better and that I was easy. I know it sounds insane and so immature. My boyfriend is 34 by the way. And I am 32. This is all very embarrassing and I'm truly sickened by myself for not seeing these things sooner.

The abuse has progressed rapidly since our daughter was born. He is a good father, but he is awful towards me. I don't leave the house except to go to the gym once in a while. He hasn't let me see my friends and makes me show him my check-ins for the gym and goes through my phone. I've never cheated on him or been disloyal, although he has to me. I care for his son from a previous relationship and I care for him and now my baby. I spend all my time with them and I'm always home when he's around so I don't know how he could think I'm with anyone but him.

He spit in my face while I was feeding our daughter during once of his recent outbursts, and then pushed me to the floor when I got up. I'm no victim though believe me, I fight back and call him awful names and I punched him in the arms afterwards. It's all disgusting and awful but what is the worst part is that my daughter is there for all of it. He incessantly bullies me about the guy. He brings him up out of nowhere honestly every 24 hours now. I showed him an old photo of me tonight and he asked when it was from, I said the date and he said "so that was you 2 months prior to being with that guy" and instantly got triggered and angry. So the insults started. And I stay quite. And they keep coming. And he's asking redundant questions about the guy over and over and asking how we had sex and why I did it but he's not asking out of curiosity, he's violently fuel enraged asking me, and he's looking for a fight. He's asked the same things a thousand times. He just goes and goes. It goes on for hours into the next day. Rage texts and calls constantly.

Tonight I really lost it, I told him to stop over and over. I don't sleep much because I'm up with the baby and I'm post partum hormones. He didn't stop and finally I screamed at him at the TOP of my lungs. I didn't even know I could scream so loud honestly. I screamed so loud at him, a few times. I blacked out. It hasn't even been 24 hours from his episode last night. But what broke me is that my daughter was in the room, and it scared her of course. I scared my daughter from screaming at him to stop. And I cannot forgive myself for that. How can I be okay with that? All I can think about is how I hurt her. She's had a hard life already, I love her so much and I'm so angry that I could let him get to me when that's all he's trying to do. I was crying telling him to stop and he doesn't.

He doesn't feel empathy or remorse. He sees me crying and he doesn't care, he is cold and just gets worse. But because he's calm in his hatred and doesn't feel emotions, I am the one who reacts emotionally and raised my voice. It's just an absolute nightmare. There is so much to this. I took the first steps to leave him, he's threatened me if I left before so I know I have to be smart. I just want to know I didn't hurt my daughter from the screaming. She's been smiling and sleeping since then but I cannot express the guilt that's inside me.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I consider your situation dangerous. Please contact the domestic violence shelter and pack an emergency bag for yourself and your baby. Do you have family or a friend you can escape to?
Please read the book "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft.
Check out https://outofthefog.website/emergency/  and https://domesticviolence.org/
See you around on the boards!

[hhaw]

Hi, Jess:

I'm sorry you and your daughter are suffering abuse.

The good news is you'll have an easier time leaving your bf if you decide you can't or don't want to raise your beloved child with abuse. 

Statistics show children are impacted negatively by witnessing abuse, same as if they're experiencing it.

Right now you're teaching her what treatment she should accept. 

You can stop accepting the abuse and move yourself away from it.

Short term, domestic abuse shelters might work while you figure out long term solutions, but you're not wrong about the abuse frightening your infant daughter.  Every incident us a trauma and you have the right to protect yourself and your child.

Having tried to leave an abusive man, I can say I felt an obligation to raise our 2 young shared daughters in safety.  I couldn't raise them in a house ruled by interpersonal terrorism and  violence.

I wanted my children to feel safe somewhere in their lives and that had to be enough.

Maybe you can move cross country, Jess.  Before the abuser knows you're leaving.....just find a job, support systems and go.

The more information the abuser has, the more roadblocks, fear and chaos he'll throw up to stop you leaving.

If you move and develop new routines for you and your baby, the Courts will likely keep them in place once they're established.

If you can, record the abuse and document it in a journal....just the high points to line up with your recordings.

In the meantime, forgive yourself for protecting yourself when you were upset.  It's ok, Jess.

In the meantime be as kind to yourself as you are to your baby girl.  You're modeling self care for her and you need to be on your side.  You deserve self compassion....you deserve everything you want for your baby.

Lots of good info, advice and resources from previous posters so will leave it there.

[Boat Babe]

Dear JJess. First of all congratulations on the birth of your dear little baby. I know that the love that arises when we become a parent is astounding!

Now, what next for you?  As everyone here has said, your partner's behaviour is appalling and is ramping up really quickly. I really fear for you.  I have worked in two Domestic Violence agencies (in the UK) and want to pass on a couple of really important messages to you

1. Your partner IS NOT a good father because he is abusing the mother of his child. Get this firmly established in your mind. Even tiny babies pick up on stuff and your little one will experience trauma by being around the abuse. Your partner is abusing your baby.

2. The rapidity with which your partner is ramping up the abuse terrifies me on your behalf. I believe your life may be at risk. I do not say this lightly. It is imperative that you get help. Really, really, really.

3. Your feelings. How you must be suffering. We so get it. You are caught up in Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the classic FOG of PD abuse victims. These feelings have been manufactured in you by your partner.  At this stage in this toxic, scary and potentially very violent game YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

We don't tend to tell people what to do here but I will. Get the hell away from this monster as safely and as quickly as possible. There is no future with him, only misery, abuse and possibly worse. Please keep talking to us.  Huge hugs.

[escapingman]

I am going to say the same as everyone else, get the hell out of there. You and your baby are not safe short term, and long term you are only risking your baby to grow up traumatized.

[Empie2204]

@jess4567,
congratulations on your baby.
Right away: even though the time with a baby is often marked with a certain quantity of stress, it should NOT be marked with abuse.
Your boyfriend is
1. Totally ignorant of physical and mental processes of a woman in pregnancy and after giving birth.
2. He is openly aggressive and abusive.
You should take care after your baby and yourself.
Young mothers need support from family or other people close to them. Sometimes they can't have it - they survive it somehow,  but with an aggressor or an abuser around, they and the baby can only be damaged  - physically, emotionally and mentally.

Please follow the advice of the posters above, an secretly prepare your escape, sooner the better.
Stay strong! You can do it even though you might have doubts.

[hhaw]

It will be easier to go IF you document the abuse and have your BF arrested for assaulting yuo.

Even if he tosses the tv button too hard, thats assault ACCORDING TO MY 800.00 an hour high mucky muck on the list of top 100 attorneys attorney and you need to document abuse thru0gh the police for it to really COUNT, according to HIM and IME.

That you aren't married will work FOR you....less constraints through the law.

Find a place to hide your evidence where bf can't find it. Find a way to record..... on yuor phone, maybe?  Figure it out BEFORE you need to use it, so things go as well as they can.  Nanny cam if you can manage it, and you can say you were worried about the PD WITH THE BABY to justify it if you need to for the Court and why you're recording, but make sure the PD doesn't know you're documenting and recording and be prepared to consider having him arrested, bc then you'll get an Order of Protection and put distance between BF and you if and when you leave.

The abuse is changing your baby's brain and Nervous System, Jess.  You can intervene and stop the cycle of abuse.  You're worthy and so is your baby girl.