how to protect children from a parent with BPD

[josh1992]

so a brief description is I was in a previous relationship with someone who suffered and was diagnosed with BPD whilst we were together.
we were together for 3 years and I was the victim of constant physical and emotional abuse.
she was diagnosed after she self harmed during an argument that started literally about nothing important while she was 9 months pregnant with our daughter.
I stayed with her for several months until it just got too much to handle and I had to get myself and our daughter out.
she pretty much disappeared and we had very minimal contact for about two months. (our newborn was with me and my family).
Despite my countless attempts to have her see and share the care for our child, she hardly engaged at all, until the day I took all our daughters things from our old house (cot and clothes) so I could care for her properly.
A few days later she turned up unannounced at my house to see our daughter, but I had a female friend over so it was a little awkward.
She stormed into the house and picked up our daughter, she then proceeded into her room and packed a bag, when I asked where she was going she said, "I'm taking her and you'll never see her again".
I filed for an urgent recovery order and within 24 hours we were in court and had some pretty reasonable interim orders in place.

Moving forward, 200K later a good behavior bond and her being charged with contravention, the emotional abuse has never stopped.
Its been a  pretty harsh rollercoaster of emotions over the last 5 years to say the least.

Our daughter is now 6 and she is a brilliant, bright, happy kid, she is extremely social and everyone loves her. I'm concerned about some of the stories she is coming home with and I'm completely confident that her mother speaks badly of myself and the rest of my new family including a younger step son and a younger daughter.
Its extremely difficult to prove emotional abuse in the family court as well as expensive. I've fought for our daughter to be able to have a meaningful relationship with myself and her mother as well as providing a stable, loving household and environment when she is with me.
I never want to keep her from her mother, I just want her to be loved and cared for while she is there.
Her mother is now violent with her new partner and is facing assault charges, but she has a new baby with her new partner as well as one on the way and he is fighting the charges along side her.
The point is, there is nobody keeping her accountable for any of her actions or behavior and knowing that our daughter is to some point now and going to be potentially a victim of this in the future is destroying me.

I constantly remind her that "its not her fault".
I always remind her that she can talk to me about anything as well as her teachers at school and coaches at sports.
One of my biggest concerns apart from her being a victim of family violence and emotional abuse is that she will grow up thinking this kind of behavior is ok and normal, when in fact its not!
She is already so resilient that she she bottles up a lot of negative emotions and disassociates  from events that are concerning or unsettling for her.

How can I keep her safe and how can I help her to cope on her own when I'm not there to protect her?
Any advice would be amazing.

Also, what are some effective ways of communicating with my ex?
It seems that no matter how I approach any subject, it never ends constructively.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I can relate to much of what you posted about. What you posted about is what many members of this forum have to cope with.

I have witnessed some very traumatic events with my sister. She would rage and make death threats which could last for hours. Her children went through a lot of emotional and psychological abuse growing up with her. Now they are adults and have little contact with their mother.

I call my sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Abusers are all about power and control.

The more we learn about PDs the better we are able to cope.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. That way I don't feed the narcissistic supply.

Observe, don't absorb.

You may also use techniques such as Medium Chill and Grey Rock.

I have learnt that we can't change anyone else's behaviour. We can only change and control our own.

If your daughter is ever in danger her mother needs to be reported. You may need to contact your local Safeguarding team.

It must be so stressful and painful to have to watch your daughter living in a such a distressful environment. Hopefully what you learn about how to cope better can be passed onto her.

You may like to look under the "Toolbox" drop down menu on the forum to see what may help you further.

You may like to find out about DBT Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, founded by Marsha Linehan. Also MBT Mentalization Based Therapy founded by Prof Anthony Bateman as well.

There is a YouTube channel called BorderlinerNotes that has archived unused footage from a documentary called "Borderline". There are talks from many people about BPD including Marsha Linehan and other mental health professionals.

I hope this helps you.

I also post frequently in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum with links to articles that may be of interest.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group

i am sorry you are dealing with this and i am glad your DD has such an advocate in her corner.  i am glad you found the coparenting forum,  the members here are outstanding .   the collective knowledge/support here is AMAZING.

some ideas that may help guide you in your next moves-

if you are concerned about your daughter's safety, as well as of the safety as her half sibling,  you may be able to make an anonymous report to CPS in your area.

many of the parents who are actively coparenting with a PD keep a detailed running record of things they hear/see or hear from their child.  that may also be a good practice for you.

sometimes the best way to improve communication with the other parent is to find a way to limit it to as needed (ie not calling, sticking to texting or even better, only email).  i have had two friends that have had such a difficult time communicating with their child's other parent that they now use a for-fee program called our family wizard.  i think one even had it written as a requirement for the ex to use in their orders.  i have another friend who was able to use a shared google doc calendar with the ex to make planning and afterschool/ extra curricular events easier to set up on a rotating custody schedule.  although i'm not a parent,  i find the BIFF method helpful when i have to contact folks when a situation has the potential to become adversarial.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses

i commend you for thinking about not only your DD's physical safety but her emotional health as well.   i was in extensive therapy when i went through the reintegration process to be returned to my uPD biological mother's custody as a teen and it gave me the tools i needed to deal with my mother, who was emotionally about the same age or younger than me.  i know your daughter is younger and may not be ready for that level of knowledge about her mother's PD, however it may be a good time to see someone who specializes in child trauma to help her process the differences between living with you and living with her mother.

[Penny Lane]

Hi there and welcome. You are definitely in the right place! I'm sorry you're dealing with this but happy you found us.

My husband is in pretty much the same situation as you with his ex, but several years later. The good news is that you're asking the right questions. You're not asking how to change your ex (impossible), you're focusing on making your daughter resilient and being as productive as possible within the limitations of your ex's behavior.

On your daughter: If you can get her into counseling, I highly recommend it. Having an objective third party who's just there to listen to her can be amazing.

In terms of what else you can do for her, I would think hard about what you know and what you believe is happening at your ex's house, and then try to teach her skills to cope with it.

For example, logistically: Does she know how to call 911 or run to a neighbor's house if her mother is being violent? If not can you work on that? You don't have to explicitly tie it to her mom, just a general "here's what we do if there's a crisis, and here's the kinds of things that are a crisis" type discussion.
Can she make herself a sandwich if her mom is incapacitated?
Any independence she has will help her deal with the various bad situations that could arise.

I think it's really important for her to develop friendships and ideally for you to also develop relationships with her friends' parents. This gives her more supportive people around her, and she can see other households that are more stable.

Emotionally, it sounds like she needs some help sharing her feelings. At our house we do a family meeting each night, we talk about whether we're stressed and what is stressing us out. As well as more practical stuff like what's on the agenda for the week. Like I said counseling could help with this. And leading by example, sharing things that stress you out or make you sad (in an age appropriate way) and the productive ways you try to deal with those feelings, that helps her be able to follow your lead.

I haven't discussed getting the authorities involved, and I think there's probably a high threshold for intervention. But I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that you will have to do that someday.

As far as interacting with your ex, I second the BIFF recommendation. That strategy immediately decreased tension between DH and his ex. He tried so many ways of dealing with her, giving her more information, being proactive, being overly kind, etc etc. What he found was that the way he related to her could decrease the nastiness that came his way. But he absolutely couldn't get her to engage productively, even on small things like "it's time to sign the kids up for lessons again." She would either spew vitriol or simply refuse to respond. What he does now (and this is easier now that the kids are older) is he mainly just gives her information, even if he's asking a question. It's like, "DSD needs to go to XX doctor in the next two months. I'm looking at these three dates. Let me know by Friday if any of them work better for you, otherwise I'll pick one." He doesn't need her to respond to or even read the email - he'll move forward either way. But she has the OPTION of responding.

She doesn't like this, but she doesn't like anything, including the fact that he exists. And she doesn't ever schedule doctor's appointments, so the ONLY way these things will get done is if he does it.

I'm sorry to say that you have a hard road ahead of you. But it will get easier and easier as the kids get older, as your ex finds other targets and as you're able to help your daughter develop the skills she needs to deal with it.

In the meantime I hope to see you around this board.