Something weird happened

JustKeepTrying · August 01, 2022, 12:15:26 AM

I have journaled about this and will talk to my T.

I had a first date today. With someone I was excited to meet. On paper and text he seemed great. We had so many similar interests and the textual conversation was kind of easy. He wouldn't respond for days but I figured it's early and maybe he's not a texting guy. Then out of the blue he messages me this morning and says let's meet for a late lunch - can you recommend somewhere between us. I can google with the best of the them - so I came up with a casual place that had a food truck and a microbrew - perfect for sunny Sunday afternoon. (Red flag one - no warning about it today or advanced notice for a first date. Red Flag Two - I had to do the work for his approval.)

I arrive early and find a good table and open my laptop to do some writing beforehand and just soaking up the atmosphere. He arrives and I immediately note this smile that most would attribute to happy go lucky guy but there was a little bell that went off saying not so fast red flag three - it was like an overbright smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He started the convo right out telling me he had met someone and he was really vibbing with her but he wanted to meet me. Huh. And in my head I think - aren't I just lucky you are so honest - and then he says - well, I wanted to be honest with you. I quickly said - well I hope it works out for you but what I wanted to say was WTF man. red flag four.

We did talk and laugh and once I set aside the fact that this was not going to be a match I just relaxed and let the afternoon flow. There were some genuine laughs and interesting stories. But on my way home I realized that was I feeling underneath was the similiarities to my ex.

That weird smile that doesn't always reach the eyes. The overtalk and little passive aggressive under comments that could easily be interpreted as humor but are just mean. Very little eye contact. Talking quickly and quietly in a loud atmosphere so you have to lean in and look like you are worshipping every word. He asks one question about you and then turns your short response into 20 min on him. Just an overall feeling of fatigue afterwards where all your energy is sucked out of you for only listening. No real give and take in conversation - it feels like you did but when you look back you realize it wasn't. Laughter that didn't go deep - sounded like a good laugh but no real feeling to it. A full hour of how hard this divorce is going to be but he will treat her well and he hopes he can protect his company - a. full. hour. final red flag

So I'm sitting here tonight - and I realize how fortunate I am that he labeled me as potential number two. It is really in thanks to all of you; my T and really listening and believing in my perceptions that I am not going to be sucked into another covert narcissistic vortex.

Oh, icing on the cake, his wife only left a few months ago and he is so happy and dating and even though they aren't divorced yet he feels no need to wait to date again even though they had been married 38 years! Yikes!

notrightinthehead · August 01, 2022, 12:37:25 AM

Kudos to you!!! Noticing all the red flags! Not falling for them! Moving on and letting him do his damage elsewhere. I am so proud of you. What a journey of healing you have made. You will not allow yourself to again become the victim of a PD.
:

Amadahy · August 01, 2022, 06:50:54 AM

Hi JKT,

Well done! I'm teaching sons about energy vampires. All are good listeners, easygoing, caring, etc. and sometimes a target for these. I think your descriptions are very insightful: the smile, lack of eye contact, turning the convo to himself, and so on. It took me years to describe my utter exhaustion with Nmom from all of these (and more). I hope you feel empowered -- I'm wildly impressed!

losingmyself · August 01, 2022, 08:35:24 AM

Congratulations on being able to read these signs! I hope you're very proud of your progress! When you said that he mentioned he had someone else in mind, he probably thought you were going to 'work harder' to become #1! There might not have even been someone else!
I hope you enjoyed a beautiful afternoon, in spite of the company!

Boat Babe · August 01, 2022, 05:00:43 PM

Brilliant red flag skills. Good for you. I notice that you aren't upset by this encounter and you haven't been triggered. That is even more brilliant. You knew exactly what to do and you totally aced it!

moglow · August 01, 2022, 05:17:23 PM

QuoteA full hour of how hard this divorce is going to be but he will treat her well and he hopes he can protect his company - a. full. hour.

Well if that's just not the icing on a big fat NO cake!! He's really vibing with someone but still wants to meet you, last minute? Hmm. He's looking at options - as he should be considering his divorce isn't final - but to throw that out there right off the bat? "I'm Mr In Demand!" Um okay. And really, a breakdown of his divorce? That's a no for me, dog. You start telling me all about the ex, the psycho ex, the not yet divorced ex, the gold digger ex, etc and I'm done. I don't want to hear about ANY ex on the first date, no matter how casual.

But YAY you!! You got to see this before you were in it

JustKeepTrying · August 01, 2022, 11:43:08 PM

Boat Babe - I was with my foo last week in a mini reunion of sorts. I became terribly triggered with all the "We really like him" comments when the divorce came up. Gaslighting on a massive scale. After twenty four hours of it I had a major seizure in restaurant in front over 100 people. What I learned was this - to really listen to my body and the warning signs and not push through. It's ok to step aside and take a beat and find your center. My last seizure was in Jan on moving day.

So as he blabbed on I just pulled on those thoughts and feelings and did a body scan and then let it go. I realized it was so unimportant - there was a little disappointment because I had to let go the dream of potential. But that's ok. It was like buying lottery ticket - the dreaming is so much fun it's make the loss easy.

What struck me to day as I mulled it over on and off is this - I like my life now. I like who I have become. I don't need another person in my life to help with bills, or shoulder the burden or even have sex. I just am not willing to sacrifice this peace I've worked so hard on. This life that I have fought for. I am not going to compromise it for any reason.

It's doesn't mean that won't be someone in the future - I am open to it - but it will be in the wild not on an app and it will be on my terms - with friendship first.

1footouttadefog · August 12, 2022, 07:48:46 AM

Wow so he got to practice his story on you and take a practice run and he probably thinks he did you a favor.

Glad you can see the flags, sounds like more flags than a Tibetan Village.

Jpmom3575 · August 15, 2022, 08:54:08 AM

I am so so thankful you recognized the signs and ran for the hills. You dodged a bullet and good for you💗!
The arrogance of these predators...telling you they are vibing with someone but wanted to meet you?! Like "the competition is on and you need to prove why I should pick you".
Eewww!!! The arrogance. And yeah, that smile that doesn't reach the eyes...on and on. I'm so happy you didn't take the bait!!

hhaw · August 17, 2022, 04:20:13 PM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on August 01, 2022, 12:15:26 AM
I have journaled about this and will talk to my T.

I had a first date today. With someone I was excited to meet. On paper and text he seemed great. We had so many similar interests and the textual conversation was kind of easy. He wouldn't respond for days but I figured it's early and maybe he's not a texting guy. Then out of the blue he messages me this morning and says let's meet for a late lunch - can you recommend somewhere between us. I can google with the best of the them - so I came up with a casual place that had a food truck and a microbrew - perfect for sunny Sunday afternoon. (Red flag one - no warning about it today or advanced notice for a first date. Red Flag Two - I had to do the work for his approval.)

I arrive early and find a good table and open my laptop to do some writing beforehand and just soaking up the atmosphere. He arrives and I immediately note this smile that most would attribute to happy go lucky guy but there was a little bell that went off saying not so fast red flag three - it was like an overbright smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He started the convo right out telling me he had met someone and he was really vibbing with her but he wanted to meet me. Huh. And in my head I think - aren't I just lucky you are so honest - and then he says - well, I wanted to be honest with you. I quickly said - well I hope it works out for you but what I wanted to say was WTF man. red flag four.

We did talk and laugh and once I set aside the fact that this was not going to be a match I just relaxed and let the afternoon flow. There were some genuine laughs and interesting stories. But on my way home I realized that was I feeling underneath was the similiarities to my ex.

That weird smile that doesn't always reach the eyes. The overtalk and little passive aggressive under comments that could easily be interpreted as humor but are just mean. Very little eye contact. Talking quickly and quietly in a loud atmosphere so you have to lean in and look like you are worshipping every word. He asks one question about you and then turns your short response into 20 min on him. Just an overall feeling of fatigue afterwards where all your energy is sucked out of you for only listening. No real give and take in conversation - it feels like you did but when you look back you realize it wasn't. Laughter that didn't go deep - sounded like a good laugh but no real feeling to it. A full hour of how hard this divorce is going to be but he will treat her well and he hopes he can protect his company - a. full. hour. final red flag

So I'm sitting here tonight - and I realize how fortunate I am that he labeled me as potential number two. It is really in thanks to all of you; my T and really listening and believing in my perceptions that I am not going to be sucked into another covert narcissistic vortex.

Oh, icing on the cake, his wife only left a few months ago and he is so happy and dating and even though they aren't divorced yet he feels no need to wait to date again even though they had been married 38 years! Yikes!

He was setting you up to compete for his attention and for spot #1.

Blech..... I just thew up in my mouth.