Things I miss...

[11JB68]

Has anyone else made sacrifices due to the overwhelming needs of their pd partner?
I've been quite down lately and really grieving the things I've mostly given up due to uPDh's quirks/needs/ challenges etc..

Last time I was on a plane was almost 20 years ago
Last vacation.....5 years?
Can't remember the last time I wore a bathing suit/ hung out at beach/pool/lake.... probably 8 years?
Went for a real walk...3 or 4 years...

[notrightinthehead]

Oh so many! I start to cry when I think about it. The worst is that by having stayed with him I have given up the chance of being with a kind, supportive, and loving partner, who makes me feel safe, accepted, and worthy. Now I am out but so damaged that I cannot even think about dating. I avoid men as if they were poisonous.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry, 11JB68.  Yes, life with a PD partner got smaller and smaller until I left.  The number of things we could do halfway happily seemed to dwindle to nothing.  And the opportunities for me to do things separately without it leading to a crisis or blowup were pretty much nil.  I have a memory of driving on an errand on a beautiful Saturday and seeing families out doing things like bicycle riding or picnicking and laughing together, and thinking  "We will never have that."   It's a big price to pay.

NotRight, I don't post much but you have always been so kind and giving to me and others.  I feel sad that you believe you will never be able to have that healthy relationship you so desire.  I have been "out" for over 3 yrs, NC for over two, and I don't expect that or open myself to that either.  In my case, I believe things that happened in my very early life pretty much precluded my ever having that from the very beginning. 

Such beautiful, deserving people here.  May you all, we all, know that,  deep in our hearts.  Big hugs . . .

[escapingman]

During the years with uNPDx I missed being able to just do things without drama. We did a lot, all organised by me, all ruined by her. But I was longing for being part of the real world, it was like living in a parallel world with completely different rules and despite physically being next to everyone still being detached from them. I am now out of it and 3 months NC, although in the middle of the divorce, I hope to be able to join the real world and not the made up fiction drama world created by the PD.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

EM, I relate to everything you say.  I'm happy for you that you're making that big leap of leaving, and it sounds like you intend to stick with it.  I found the first year plus of NC to be very hard and thankfully made a solemn promise to myself never to go back, no matter what.  It was especially hard to build a new life with people because of Covid coming along soon after.  And I did often miss him and long to talk to him, fiercely at times. 

It can take some time for new growth to appear from scorched earth, but when the blow torch has been removed, it does happen.  Even without a romantic partner, I can now do things I enjoy and that are meaningful and be with people I care about with an ease which was never possible before.  I am even becoming acquainted with parts of myself that I never knew because it wasn't safe for them to come out.

I hope you have an easier time of it and find all the support you need to join that real world.   Some of us don't find romantic love again, but some do.  For me, even without that, this is better, no question, though it took a bit of time to get there.  I wish you lots of luck getting to the other side!

[Boat Babe]

EM, I relate to everything you say.  I'm happy for you that you're making that big leap of leaving, and it sounds like you intend to stick with it.  I found the first year plus of NC to be very hard and thankfully made a solemn promise to myself never to go back, no matter what.  It was especially hard to build a new life with people because of Covid coming along soon after.  And I did often miss him and long to talk to him, fiercely at times. 

It can take some time for new growth to appear from scorched earth, but when the blow torch has been removed, it does happen.  Even without a romantic partner, I can now do things I enjoy and that are meaningful and be with people I care about with an ease which was never possible before.  I am even becoming acquainted with parts of myself that I never knew because it wasn't safe for them to come out.

I hope you have an easier time of it and find all the support you need to join that real world.   Some of us don't find romantic love again, but some do.  For me, even without that, this is better, no question, though it took a bit of time to get there.  I wish you lots of luck getting to the other side!

Being single and happy is possible and I'm working on this, everyday. I'm not ecstatic 24/7 but I'm very grateful for the autonomy and peace that I have achieved. I have moments of joy and often hilarity with friends. I have longueurs where I am down and in pain but these are manageable using tools, skills and self care. I am mostly content. I have survived a very difficult childhood and one highly abusive relationship and several shady ones.  I'm not actively looking for a partner and am coming to the conclusion that I don't have time or energy for one. Life as a singleton is genuinely good.

[escapingman]

EM, I relate to everything you say.  I'm happy for you that you're making that big leap of leaving, and it sounds like you intend to stick with it.  I found the first year plus of NC to be very hard and thankfully made a solemn promise to myself never to go back, no matter what.  It was especially hard to build a new life with people because of Covid coming along soon after.  And I did often miss him and long to talk to him, fiercely at times. 

It can take some time for new growth to appear from scorched earth, but when the blow torch has been removed, it does happen.  Even without a romantic partner, I can now do things I enjoy and that are meaningful and be with people I care about with an ease which was never possible before.  I am even becoming acquainted with parts of myself that I never knew because it wasn't safe for them to come out.

I hope you have an easier time of it and find all the support you need to join that real world.   Some of us don't find romantic love again, but some do.  For me, even without that, this is better, no question, though it took a bit of time to get there.  I wish you lots of luck getting to the other side!

Being single and happy is possible and I'm working on this, everyday. I'm not ecstatic 24/7 but I'm very grateful for the autonomy and peace that I have achieved. I have moments of joy and often hilarity with friends. I have longueurs where I am down and in pain but these are manageable using tools, skills and self care. I am mostly content. I have survived a very difficult childhood and one highly abusive relationship and several shady ones.  I'm not actively looking for a partner and am coming to the conclusion that I don't have time or energy for one. Life as a singleton is genuinely good.

I am not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone to have a relationship again, maybe in the future, who knows. But right now, I just want to be able to do whatever I feel like - because I haven't been able to for almost 20 years.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Notrightinthehead and Lookin 2 B Free, I also count the things you mentioned... those natural, expected, relationship things like kindness, love, support safety, acceptance... and those natural, expected, family things like bicycle riding, picnicking, laughing together...

I sacrificed a lot of things, and, to my shame, I suspect my kids sacrificed even more.
We went without normal social lives for years. No community. No Family Of Choice.
There were no sleepovers, or barbecues, or having a friend over for coffee or a couple of cold drinks. No friends or family ever occupied the unused bedrooms. No friends after school or morning carpools. Nothing. It was just too awkward letting others into our dysfunction and after a time of living with PDh, we stopped trying.
I usually managed a few outings in summertime, getting together with kids and friends while PDh was at work. The last couple of years, even that was difficult to manage, as most of our friends had dropped out of our lives completely. By the end, we didn't even go to church anymore. Just not worth the hassle. Even a chat with a neighbor became an undertaking too dangerous to bother with.

Going somewhere on vacation, with or without PDh, was out of the question. If he came along, his worrying, his crabbiness and his detailed protocols sucked the fun, the relaxation and the will to live out of even the most determined of us. Being on vacation became more work than staying at home, feeling trapped and surrounded by eggshells.  If PDh stayed at home, the suspicions, interrogations, and accusations upon our return outweighed even the most exciting and carefree reprieve. This bad behavior afterward lasted much longer than our getaways. We paid and we paid, many times over, for any time we managed to spend away. The last time I had a vacation that felt fun or relaxing was in 2013.

I sacrificed doing all the nice things H and I did during the time we dated. The day we got married and moved in together, everything changed. (And then after our separation, the same thing happened) Lunchtime walks, coffee dates, picnics, sunsets, hikes, fishing trips, texts, phone calls, shopping trips, cooking together, going to shows and exhibitions, flowers, movies, drives, kisses, physical affection.... it all stopped. He was romantic and fun and affectionate and then.... he wasn't. Not. At. All.
Not even a little bit.
I spent too many years trying to recapture those days and those feelings. Dying inside, longing and hoping and praying for even a tiny little bit of it to return.
Even after I knew full well it was never coming back, I missed it. And even after I left for good, I still missed it. Sometimes I still miss it now. Knowing it was all an illusion doesn't stop me missing it. It was nice to be treated well and feel valued. 

I sacrificed all the economic benefits of non-PD partnering.

I sacrificed sharing the absolute best years of my life with someone who appreciated them and would tenderly hold the memory of them into our later years. When I was cognitively sharpest, physically fittest and emotionally still capable. I had so much to offer then that will never available again.
(This is not to say that my best days are behind me, or that I have little to look forward to.)

This is difficult stuff, but good, for me to think about. I shed a few tears typing this.

I am two years and 51 days separated and No Contact. Not divorced. Life is bigger now. Some things I listed I will probably never have. I think I am okay with that. Other things I have rebuilt and will never ever let go again.

[1footouttadefog]

Yes, I miss so much of what life was and what it could have been also.  I cannot return to my old hobbies because of a change in geography but am finding some new ones. 

I have been retaking my life over a period of years now.  I had some big setbacks last year and spent too much time sitting around distracting myself between bouts of over working.

Now things are more stable but for a time longer I am over busy.  It's okay however as I am applying new strategies to make things work better for me and am okay with the fact some of my personal goals will wait a while longer before much progress will take place. 

In the mean time my kids are launching well even if boyfriend situations being heart aches.  The youngest is in college the oldest graduated and is working and contemplating grad school PT and dropping to PT work.  She has good insurance and decent salary.

I am rearranging how and when I do things to carve out a weekend or two a month to go camping and hiking and kayaking.  I have met some great folks and have had some nice weekends with adults who act like adults.  How nice to sit around chatting and cooking and having a little whisky with people who don't get hysterical or direct all conversations to themselves.