I'm really stressing out with trying to finalize my divorce with uSTBXNPC

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I need some words of wisdom and support

Our divorce isn't complicated, but my uSTBXNPC is making this process a nightmare.

Every time we are close to making an agreement, he throws out something else.  He either doesn't or takes weeks to provide documents, but if I don't produce what they request immediately, he freaks.  I've lost my faith in my lawyer - but I don't know if it's based on emotions or facts.  My STBX brings up the same thing again and again....how many times do I have to defend or explain myself?  And, my lawyer doesn't stop it.   

I'm so tired and the stress is getting to me.  I've kept it at bay, but it's just too much now.

At our last court date, our trial date was picked - 9/14.  My lawyer's first response - "oh no, I have another longer trial that month and I don't know how I'm going to have the time...."  Really?  How can I go to trial with this lawyer?  UGH.  I am so mad.  When you stop trusting your lawyer, it just adds to the stress level.

My uSTBXNPC loves all the drama.  I think he's fine with going to trial.  I am just at a loss.  I've spent 10K on this already - and for what?  He's one every little battle so far....every one. 

Intellectually, I'm not surprised by his actions.  When you live it - it's horrible and none of his actions make sense.  I'm better with NC but I fell into the trap today and responded. 

We have a meeting scheduled 8/18.  If it doesn't go well, I'm not sure what I am going to do.  Do I fire my lawyer?  Keep her even though I don't trust her anymore?  I'm so stressed I can't even listen to my inner voice. 

[hhaw]

If you're going to fire your attorney.... do it sooner than later.

You need to trust your attorney. 

One criteria for keeping her.....

DOES she "get it?"  Does she understand the PD struggle is real?  CAN she fight for yuo, hold the PD's feet to the fire and present evidence competently OR is she in the FOG and unable to remember things you tell her?

If she gets it, if she's competent, if she knows your Judge and is respected in that Courtroom..... maybe you keep her, even if she has a calendar challenge that pushes your trial date back.  See if you can get another date set..... maybe you can still go to Court if her other case settles.  Don't let that date go until you have to. 

In the meantime, trust this is how things always go and havE to go when divorcing a PD.

It works well for the PDs bc they don't have to do any trial prep or work to make false allegations and drag their feet, which is seen as a fair strategy in Court. 

Accept that's the way it goes and get comfortable with the timeline KNOWING you;re the only litigant with evidence and the only one who will prove their case when you finally get to that courtroom at trial.

Your stbx won't be laughing or enjoying himself when that happens adn if he settles on the Courthouse steps, before trial, it will be because you did all your trial prep and are ready to go to trial, so don't ever to preparing for trial.  Not until you have a signed and stamped copy of the FINAL ORDER or FINAL AGREEMENT in your hand...... don't cancel ANYTHING...not a hearing or a pre trial hearing or certainly not a trial date. 

You keep leaning in to that trial date, PFNW.

Accept this won't be over quickly.  Accept it won't feel comfortable.  Accept worrying won't help a thing.

You'll be divorced whether you worry yourself sick or turn towards things that bring you joy.... so maybe take back your minutes from the PD's control and schedule in regular joy for your life.... don't let him take anything else if you can help it.

Good luck

[Poison Ivy]

 

Especially this part: Accept this won't be over quickly.  Accept it won't feel comfortable.  Accept worrying won't help a thing.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you.

Acceptance is very hard for me....great advice. I'm going to really focus on letting go....acceptance....and faith.

Times like these it's like I'm fighting in the rip tide even though I know all I have to do is to swim to the side.

That's all I have to do, swim away.

[hhaw]

It's a terrible thing to feel one must swim against the tide, particularly the PD riptide.

when going limp or swimming sideways will get you to the same place, one.

Particularly when swimming against the tide feels like drowning over and over and over again and may lead to drowning so deeply one feels there's no recovery.

New information, imperfect practice and better coping strategies/ habits (dropping judgment and expectations) come together with radical acceptance and self compassion to combat and sometimes overcome the PD' strategies and intentions......which is oddly everything and nothing, bc it's Learning to accept the reality then rise above the fear/ regret and strife....
Learn to be present in the moment in order to avoid the reactive emotional charges the PDs depend on to remain front and center in our lives.

It's a trick to accept our worst fears then turn towards what we CAN do.....while banishing thoughts about the things we can't change.

If we suffer all the possible negative outcomes..over and over, without relief.....the PDinhabits our internal worlds, as though they're with us still, ime.

Our minds believe we're physucally in the places we think about.  The body releases chemicals in response to our thoughts.

Think about how you'd like to live...... how you'd prefer to navigate the months and sometimes years divorcing a. toxic PD.

You can dance to the OD's tune.....the PD knows you well.  Understands what will upset, undermine and sink you, over and over and over....divorce court was made for PD s to thrive and control, but that changes when and if one learns to unhook the wires and pd software installed....
One learns to replace those programs in order to notice the reactivity pop up, create a split second's recognition BEFORE one tips over that reactive edge.

The reactivity loop is our brain traveling down familiar pathways we don't even notice.

Changing them requires noticing.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

This comment really stood out to me - Think about how you'd like to live.  I don't want to live in worry and fear.  I'm starting to be able to work on it - I like to play golf so when I begin to focus on my worries, I think about a golf game in my head.  It works for now. I'm exercising every day to help with the physical feelings of stress.

The reactivity loop is our brain traveling down familiar pathways we don't even notice.  So TRUE, It's crazy how one quick text conversation can do that to me - I went down that pathway fast and didn't stop.  NC is the way for me, and I can do it.  He is barely involved in his son's life (almost 18) so no need to every be in contact. 

Even with all this, it is still better than when I was living with him - that was pure hell.

Thank you for your comments -  I've re-read them alot and it helps .

[Lauren17]

Even with all this, it is still better than when I was living with him - that was pure hell.