Saying you were switched at birth

[Rosa Rugosa]

Hello again,

I'm trying to put the correct names to things in my past, like admin for my brain. Your collective knowledge was very helpful in understanding ST vs discarding. Could you help me categorise this..?

My uNPD Mother used to say I was switched at birth. The hospital gave her the wrong baby. My uNPD Sister used to tell me I was adopted. (I'm not, my Father says it's impossible)

Is this a common behaviour? Would it be an invalidating method? Scapegoating? A way to proxy-recruit my Sister? Maybe a way to normalise the way she treated her 2 daughters differently?

Again, thanks in advance for any insight.

- Also, please tell me if I am asking again too soon or in the wrong place. I'm new to forums and unsure of the etiquette.

[The Butterfly Effect]

Hi Rosa. I too am relatively new to the forums,  dipping in and out when my mental and psychological batteries are full.

I'm the SG. The youngest of four. I was constantly told  I was a "mistake" to being told I was "adopted"  to being told that I don't look like my siblings. 

As a fully grown adult I no longer give any kudos to the comments (not that I did in the first place) but as a child who didn't have the emotional capacity to process these words collectively from my parents and siblings, looking back I find the comments down right heartless and cruel.

None of my siblings received such invalidations.

[bee well]

Hi Rosa, Hi Butterfly,

I'm on the same page as both of you.

In addition to what you wrote here, I think  saying those things is a covert way of suggesting that a child is "not enough" or that something is inherently wrong with them. Kind of like when parents say "We wanted a boy" or "we wanted a girl." Those are messages that glom up with the rest of the negative talk they heap on us, and forms a strong Inner Critic who eventually bombards us with negative self talk.  After a while we begin to think something is wrong with us, and that we are not part of the family group, or any "group.". It's also a convenient way to covertly shift blame, the message being,  "No child of mind would be imperfect, therefore  X, Y, or Z" is ALL your fault. (Even just "inconveniencing" them by being a kid.) A lot of us then twist ourselves in knots trying to please our parents and be "perfect." Eventually some of us become people pleasers and sacrifice our selves.

That's how I would interpret it.

Does anyone else on the boards have something to say about this?

Any thoughts?

[Cat of the Canals]

Is this a common behaviour? Would it be an invalidating method? Scapegoating? A way to proxy-recruit my Sister? Maybe a way to normalise the way she treated her 2 daughters differently?

Sounds like all of the above, to me. If I were to label it one thing, I'd say scapegoating. She is "othering" you.

It's also almost diabolically indirect and covert. On the one hand, the implication is clear: you are the "wrong" baby. On the other, anyone that hears this statement knows she doesn't mean it literally, which means she can pass it off as "just a joke" if anyone were to call her on it.

[Rosa Rugosa]

Thanks so much everyone. Lots of interesting points to reflect on again.

Being singled out for invalidation, being othered and feeling like an inconvienience are all resonating with me.

I think I am a people pleaser. I used to think I was just polite (I apologise to doors for walking into them). Maybe I celebrated my capacity for love and care (for humans, plants, other animals - not just doors  ) because it made me different to my Sister and Mother. Maybe I'm trying to make people like me, so its like manipulation too? I'd like to work on this. Maybe creating/maintaining good boundaries and working on my inner critic will help? Any advice for being less of a people pleaser?

[Free2Bme]

Hi Rosa Rugosa,

I can relate to the people pleasing tendency.  I catch myself thinking apologetically , even if I am not saying it.  For me, it helps to practice awareness and when I observe myself thinking (or saying) these things I ask myself if I truly have something to apologize for or it this just a reflex, or wanting to earn approval, etc.

I did not experience the same form of devaluing that you describe, however I was never protected by my mom as a child.  There were situations with family members, friends of family, teachers, boys in high school that I either needed mom to defend me or mom to teach me how to defend myself from mistreatment.  As an adult, I tend to defend those who are weak and vulnerable, in this way I treat others the way that I wanted to be treated by caregivers. 

You have inherent worth, despite your early experience with your mom. IME, it's a battle at the thought level:  early programing + negative self-talk over the years can set us up for a vicious cycle.

It's ok to want to be better human beings than our caregivers, as long as we are making a conscious response not a reaction or coming from a place of unworthiness or trying to earn approval.  I want to be good to others while also being good to myself, it's not an either/or.

Welcome to the forum, so glad you are here 

[Ziggy52]

Hi Rosa Rugosa,

This isn't exactly the same thing, but may serve a similar purpose; labels. I was "stubborn" and "precocious," while my brothers were "intelligent/gifted," "kind/gentle," and "good natured/fun." When asked what it was like being the only girl among a sea of boys, a subject that seemed to be brought up frequently (even my cousins were male), my mom would respond "She's much worse to them than they are to her." Eventually, I also answered that way, fully believing the story.

It's definitely scapegoating/othering and a method of control. In my mom's case, she used these words to describe herself when she was a child as well. She may have been projecting her own shame onto me.

I also became a people pleaser, and also apologized to everyone/everything, including inanimate objects! The first time I realized it might be "extreme" was in college. The person I was dating at the time asked me why I did it, and "suggested" it was unnecessary. It was like I was constantly apologizing for existing!

For me, it started with realizing I was doing it. Because my date seemed so annoyed by it, ironically, I think my people pleasing skills kicked in yet again, and I made an effort to stop saying it out loud, lol! Unfortunately, even though I stopped saying it out loud, I still felt "it," in my case, shame in myself and a need to make up for it. It's taken time, distance from certain people, therapy, and practice reminding myself that I am just as worthwhile as anyone, to dim those feelings.

The inner critic seems to be a significant issue for many us. If that's what's happening with you, know that you are worthwhile. No apologies 

[Rosa Rugosa]

I think apologising is automatic in me. I was regularly assumed guilty as a child so was programmed to apologise and take punishment for things that weren't my fault (as well as the things that were). If my sister beat me, I antagonised her. If something was broken, it must be the clumsy one (me). It really messed with me, I felt heart aching guilt for things that happened in school or on the news that could not be my fault. I wondered why I felt guilty, maybe it meant I secretly did do it, or would do it. How could I convince the teacher/police/my Mother that it wasn't me? Can they sense my guilt like my Mother can 'sense' it? My adult brain doesn't often fear such extreme false accusations. But, I still apologise for things I have no need to apologise for. It probably makes my apologies meaningless, my partner hears me say sorry so often.

I try to take care of others at the expense of myself. I realised this recently. Picking up the phone to a friend when I was grieving my best friend (yeah, he was a dog, but 15 years together from teenage to 30's and the first time I knew unconditional love - so not just a dog). My friend talked for hours about a dating rejection and not getting a promotion (it was a lot of rejection to take in one day) - in 2 hours I spoke for maybe 10 mins. I wasn't really present with her, so I did us both wrong. I knew she has a therapist, many friends to talk to, but I still answered because I don't want to make anyone feel ignored or rejected or alone. Also, I encourage my friends to reach out to me for anything. I will always try to listen for as long as they need to talk (even if it makes me late or is at the expense of my partner - e.g he has to finish what I was cooking and eat alone). I triage it, my friend is sad, my partner is capable of cooking and is about to be fed - sad friend needs me more. Maybe I gain some self worth by being useful to people.

My inner critic can be paralysing. If I can quiet the voice, I still feel it, like its deep in my body, not just in my mind.

Earlier this year, I read 'How to do the Work' by Dr Nicole LePera - she suggests a mantra telling yourself you are enough. I'm trying to make this a habit, in bed, until I fall sleep - 'I am 'Rosa', I am enough, I am safe, I am happy, I am healing.'

I've always felt like people around me have a firm knowledge of themselves, and wondered how they achieved this. I'm starting to wonder if this was taken from me, if its inherent for most people. Simple things like deciding what to eat is difficult for me.

I feel like I've just emotionally dumped and not really engaged as I feel I should have with the above posts. I feel confused about apologising for this 

But thank you Free2Bme for your kind welcome, it really warmed my heart. And thank you Ziggy52, I will add - I am worthwhile - to my mantra.

[Ziggy52]

You're in the right place, emotional dumping is totally allowed here. It also, I think, can be an important part of the process of sorting things out and getting feedback & validation. Engage if/when you want. No worries!

[easterncappy]

I think apologising is automatic in me. I was regularly assumed guilty as a child so was programmed to apologise and take punishment for things that weren't my fault (as well as the things that were). If my sister beat me, I antagonised her. If something was broken, it must be the clumsy one (me). It really messed with me, I felt heart aching guilt for things that happened in school or on the news that could not be my fault. I wondered why I felt guilty, maybe it meant I secretly did do it, or would do it. How could I convince the teacher/police/my Mother that it wasn't me? Can they sense my guilt like my Mother can 'sense' it? My adult brain doesn't often fear such extreme false accusations. But, I still apologise for things I have no need to apologise for. It probably makes my apologies meaningless, my partner hears me say sorry so often.

I try to take care of others at the expense of myself. I realised this recently. Picking up the phone to a friend when I was grieving my best friend (yeah, he was a dog, but 15 years together from teenage to 30's and the first time I knew unconditional love - so not just a dog). My friend talked for hours about a dating rejection and not getting a promotion (it was a lot of rejection to take in one day) - in 2 hours I spoke for maybe 10 mins. I wasn't really present with her, so I did us both wrong. I knew she has a therapist, many friends to talk to, but I still answered because I don't want to make anyone feel ignored or rejected or alone. Also, I encourage my friends to reach out to me for anything. I will always try to listen for as long as they need to talk (even if it makes me late or is at the expense of my partner - e.g he has to finish what I was cooking and eat alone). I triage it, my friend is sad, my partner is capable of cooking and is about to be fed - sad friend needs me more. Maybe I gain some self worth by being useful to people.

My inner critic can be paralysing. If I can quiet the voice, I still feel it, like its deep in my body, not just in my mind.

Earlier this year, I read 'How to do the Work' by Dr Nicole LePera - she suggests a mantra telling yourself you are enough. I'm trying to make this a habit, in bed, until I fall sleep - 'I am 'Rosa', I am enough, I am safe, I am happy, I am healing.'

I've always felt like people around me have a firm knowledge of themselves, and wondered how they achieved this. I'm starting to wonder if this was taken from me, if its inherent for most people. Simple things like deciding what to eat is difficult for me.

I feel like I've just emotionally dumped and not really engaged as I feel I should have with the above posts. I feel confused about apologising for this 

But thank you Free2Bme for your kind welcome, it really warmed my heart. And thank you Ziggy52, I will add - I am worthwhile - to my mantra.

Are you me?

I'm so used to having to walk on eggshells and figure out what I did wrong this time around my mom that when I got married and moved out, I did a lot of the same with my husband. Every non-ecstatic facial expression meant I needed to beg for forgiveness, right? Until it didn't and he just... reacted rationally if I did something wrong. Eventually I calmed down a lot because I realized that normal people have normal reactions to mistakes.

My mom had one weird quality... I think it might come from the elder worship in our culture, I don't know. When my husband's grandma briefly lived with us (thank God that's over - we're both from PD families just so you know), she needed to get eye surgery. My mom yelled at me about how "you NEED to drive her there and back". Except, I didn't. She's not my grandma, she wasn't even nice to me, and she was a big girl who could make her own arrangements. My mom once volunteered me to drive her weird friend to and from work every single day when I was in college... the way she frames it now is "I didn't tell you to...". Except, she did. She commanded me to, partly because she wanted his family to think she was a great person. I wasted two months of my life driving a stranger around, it took two hours of my day every day. Thus, I figured this is just stuff you do. I cannot explain to people who grew up in normal families that I was just raised to not question the idea that I am here to help everyone else in the world. My mom is very offended when I say things like "I'm not a charity for every unfortunate person that I know" now. She thinks I'm just playing tough. I can't figure out if she just expects me to be that way or everyone in the world.

Yep, you're pretty unsure of yourself. Growing up being brainwashed to think your sole purpose for existing is to be a punching bag and servant for the rest of your family will do that to you. Especially if you're also the kind of person who was told what their opinions on things are... I think I was in my 20's when I realized I didn't mind the color yellow, my mom just always told me that we both hated it so I said I hated it too. You have no idea who you are because yes, it was stolen from you. Totally stolen. But the thing is, with some therapy and self-reflection, you decide how that goes from now on. You absolutely do not have to spend the rest of your life overthinking what to make for dinner. I'm sorry that everything has been difficult until now, but now you're in a position to be able to make positive changes, which is a great thing.

[Rosa Rugosa]

Thanks Ziggy! I feel awkward writing in the forum. My social anxiety follows me online. I also feel worried I'm wasting all your time, I'm in the wrong place, I use the wrong words, I'm seeking too much attention... etc. The G in FOG I guess.

Cappy  we share similarities for sure!

Those eggshells... They were everywhere! I carried it into adult life too. I still tip toe around people, expecting to hurt someone with the wrong word or expression. The F in FOG.

My culture also demands resect and admiration for being old. Even as a child this made no sense to me, 'but if Hitler was old - we wouldn't respect him' 'Stop being so *@%&^£+ pedantic!' My uNPD Mother was more strict than my Father on respecting elders. Looking back, it might have been manipulation, to try to enforce duty to her in her ageing years. The O in FOG, ok, I sound like I'm on Sesame Street 

My Mother also did the same thing - reframing her demands as my idea. 'I never/wouldn't have told you to do that'. I heard this so often. This is straight up gaslighting, right?

I am sure I am unsure about myself  got to start somewhere 

Thanks Cappy, I really appreciate your words and time. It's really validating sharing these things - feeling less alone in the FOG.

[Hazy111]

My uBorderline sis used to say this about me as a "joke". It never really bothered me. I now know it was a form of jealousy and a way of putting me down ,as she thought i was favoured over her  by our uBPD mother.

[countrygirl]

Hi Rosa,

You've definitely found the right place!   When you describe your experiences, you help validate the experiences of many of us.   For example, my mother also said she was given the wrong baby in the hospital.  And I spent the first part of my life trying to be the perfect person, so that she wouldn't feel this way.   

This society can so easily see and say that there are people who are not meant to own pets, that they don't care for them, physically or emotionally.  It would be good if more attention were paid to the fact that many people are not equipped to be parents.  Maybe we got the wrong parents.   

[sunshine702]

I hear the YouTube therapists talk about Narc Parents feeling ENTITLED to the best children.  That THEY are never wrong that .  It sounds to me like both a Scapegoating you and an absolving them of parenting mistakes.  Must be someone else's' kid.  And even as a joke is horrible and hurtful and wrong. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like you were being others.  Interestingly they likely were responding  some strength, or virtue they see in you that makes them insecure about themselves.

A snarky come back to any future hints that you were adopted might be something like

You could never fully understand the great amount of comfort and hope that pondering this possibility has brought me over the years and even now, followed by a chuckle and a drying of the eyes. 

I had brothers who used to lock me out of the house and chant "you don't belong" and say I was adopted.