Don’t want to deal with this

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Note: I'm happy having replies from people in the FOO section if anyone has anything to add.

So, my H ran up debt and I don't want to deal with it. I am making myself type this. I don't want to.

I don't want to leave him. I may need to do some sort of partial seperation.

First thing is I need to figure out where my red line is. And commit to acting if it's crossed.

I will speak to him in a few weeks about this so I need my thoughts in order.

1) I need to be sure I know about all the debt. No new surprises popping up later. He will have to confess everything if he hasn't done so already. When he confessed I asked him how much. He named a dollar amount but it turned out to be a bit more. Then I found there was somebody else he had to pay first. So he'll get one more chance to come clean if there's anything then I gotta protect myself if there's some other thing. I don't have reason to think so but this has to be clarified.

2) I need to also express there will be no new debt anywhere. He has to discuss new purchases and I'm only agreeing to bare minimum things to keep the biz going. Bare minimum. And if he thinks that's controlling that's fine, he can call his own shots as long as our fates are not entwined - some sort of seperation. He can be a free man, I have zero problem with that. We have both always known which of us is capable of leaving. It isn't him.

3) I believe the amount he thinks he can repay every month is delusional. I will find out soon I guess. I don't think it is productive for me to hammer hard on how much money he can generate. He will just shut down and fail. But I think my red line is the spending. If he stops spending he can pay down the debt but I don't know how fast. If it's too slow I may need to do something but i'm not going to threaten. He and I may need to do stuff like see if we have possessions to selll...  there are a few minor things I can think of.

4) We are about to hit a financial wall in a year. I've mentioned this for a couple of years and asked him to help plan but this look comes over his eyes, a delusional look, like suddenly information isn't reaching his brain. Like a shutdown. He doesn't seem to remember or know anything. It's not normal at all, he is totally checked out and deluded. Anyway I have no ideas now but it must be addressed.

This issue is tied to so many other issues and so many heartbreaks. I try to forget it and recognize he is literally mentally ill, not just with PD, and I do, on the surface. Deep down though I have feelings and they are just a hot volcanic mess.

Discussing even a fraction of those feelings is not possible. Even saying calmly "I was a little disappointed" will set useless stuff off. I have to carry this aline while he is deluded and clueless. Not because he is stupid, not at all, but something is very wrong here.

[Poison Ivy]

I think it's good that you plan to deal with this, Square, despite how painful it feels.

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Thank you, PI.

[notrightinthehead]

From what you describe, it would be wise to financially separate yourself from him completely and better yesterday than today, or drown with him. Remember the three C rule. As he shuts down when you try to address the problem rationally, your obligation is to yourself.  It seems to me that you believe that by taking on the problem, addressing it with him, trying to control his behaviour, you believe you can solve it. Do you realize that this is your attempt at changing him? From what you wrote, he is delusional about his earning potential. How about you accept that observation and act accordingly? Put on your oxygen mask! You are needed. You are valuable. Please protect yourself.

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Nrith, thank you, I will be thinking about that.

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Thank you, user. I am committing to facing this problem rather than ostriching it. It's strange to me to see who I've become because, while I certainly have a record of procrastinating on tasks, avoiding problems used to be so foreign to me I wondered how people even did it. I think I went through a process of being unable to affect my situation no matter what I did and settling into learned helplessness. Whereas I had a lifetime of feeling empowered, certainly not all-powerful but I always felt like my actions had some result, whether I took the right one or fumbled it. Now I feel my actions get nothing but punishment and it's better to just lie quietly. But I'm going to move on this. Dammit.

[square]

Just want to pat myself on the back for a small thing I did yesterday. I saw some purchases he made and asked him about them. I don't want to be some nag monitoring his purchases. He does not ask me to account for myself.

He gave me a full accounting and the purchases were all A-OK. I feel better.

However, I need to be prepared to ask again if I have questions some other time. I can't just say "well it was fine last time, I need to be more trusting, so just forget it."

I have BEEN trusting. The problem isn't that I'm not trusting. The problem is that I trusted him and he blew it.

So when we talk I will carve out space for me to ask questions. He will likely agree and it won't stop him from turning on me if he feels triggered later but I will feel better knowing we discussed it and agreed.

It can feel gaslighty because he is capable of totally changing how he feels. So he could be totally on board 100% one day. And another say I'm a controlling witch and I've never trusted him and I caused everything. It all depends how he is feeling, so agreements with Dr J are worthless because Mr H might show up later and Mr H did not and would not agree to such a thing.

But we both know which of us is crazy and that helps.

[Poison Ivy]

This process might never be easy, Square, but you're doing it and that's the most important thing. Good for you!

[looloo]

A long time ago, my ex (yep, he's an Ex) was really irresponsible with money and debt, and i wasn't aware of it until after we were married.  Our credit was separate thank goodness, but things were getting really bad with collection notices piling up and his refusal to deal with things or be open about it with me.  Somehow I found the courage to insist on consumer credit counseling services (google it).  This he agreed to do, and it really helped.  At least until the last few payments, when he started his flaky habits back up again.

It couldn't heal a bad marriage and it couldn't turn someone with a lot of issues into a financially responsible adult, but it will absolutely help those who are serious about fixing their debt and credit.

Good luck!

[1footouttadefog]

Some banks offer a credit check as part of the account features.  I am able to keep tabs on mine through the bank website.

Life Lock is a service you can use to lock down your credit so no new lines of credit can be created unless you unlock it.  This keep him or anyone else from starting new cards etc.

I hope you are able to protect yourself from fortuer financial abuse. 

[Boat Babe]

I live in the UK and walked past a well known High Street bank today and they had a massive poster in the window about financial abuse and how it's linked to domestic abuse. You could have knocked me down with a feather.

Sending hugs Square.