Feelings/emotions

[Justme729]

I am doing EMDR therapy - it is great overall.  But something came up and I feel at a roadblock with a certain trauma.   I said something that really kinda has me thinking.   "I know my place" - I learned early on to just cry, to just keep my mouth shut.  Nothing I said or did would change an outcome, so I just didn't feel anything I guess.   If I said something, chances of getting beat were high.   I learned how to wear that fake smile well.   Pretend everything is OK.   

So I'm trying to process this stuff and I just can't feel anything.   I want to feel something, anything.  I just can't. I don't really feel anger towards them because it's just who/how they are and it wasn't anything new.   Yet, the experience was pivotal in my development as a human being.

[Amadahy]

Yes, numbing out was my coping mechanism, too.  I remember very little, except as a very small child praying, "God, just let me feel something," but I couldn't for decades, and really only in the last few years (I'm 53 yo).  So, all to say, my experience with EMDR is similar in that I didn't begin to fathom emotions right away, but I am gradually feeling more all the time.  At times, it has been overwhelming, so I think our psyches know how much we are ready for and when the time is right, you will be able to feel (even if gradually).  It took me years to feel a range of emotions and it is certainly not linear, as traumas will revisit in a different perspective, but it does get better as your emotions become more accessible.  I think central to my ability to begin to feel was knowing I am currently safe.  I have a supportive FOC and a safe home and that has been central to my progress.  I still struggle, sometimes.  For example, in a session the other day, my practitioner asked how I felt about something I told him and I paused.  I told him I could pinpoint what I thought, but not what I felt, so we started there.  Just try your best to give yourself lots of grace and patience.  I hope you continue to find the EMDR useful. 

[bee well]

Hi justme729,

I'm glad your EMDR is going well.

About not feeling, I have pretended everthing is "ok" most of my life. I have trouble feeling some emotions, especially anger towards my abusers. (There are a lot of other ones that I seem to have too much of, like fear (adrenaline.)

I believe we were conditioned not to feel because it was potentially dangerous, In my case I was conditioned to feel more for others than myself. When I was very young I learned to feel like everything was my fault. In adolescence I was angry. Then I totally checked out, became unaware of the feelings I had. Like Amadhy, I'm coming Out of the FOG at middle age.

I have used old photos or researched old events and places to elicit feelings. At times that has been very powerful. Not sure if you have tried this. If you do, I would caution you to be in a safe enough place where you can ask for assistance if necessary (therepists' if appropriate??)

As for the feelings you may be having or not having, it's ok. Now, you are taking care of yourself. It's ok to be you, and take your time.

Amadhy,

Thanks for your perspective. I agree that it takes some of us a longer time because we have to get to a place where we feel safe and ready to express ourselves. I'm glad you are in a safe place.

[Spring Butterfly]

When our nervous system is stuck in fight / flight mode and escalates to where we can't handle more there's a wonderful safety switch that tips us into numb. It's there by design. Certain therapies can activate fight / flight too high and push us into that space. It's specifically the dorsal vagus nerve that is activated.

Your brain and nervous system may not be ready to process the memory underneath "I know my place". When you hear those words, how do you feel? Can you name the emotion? Notice where in your body you're holding the tension, notice your negative thoughts about those words. Is there any particular memory that comes to mind? Then grab some fresh or dried herbs or spices, herbal tea bag or scratch the peel of a citrus fruit and inhale, gently breath the aroma until you notice something shift. Focus on the memory until it begins to fade.

After connecting mind, body, emotion, EMDR uses sight, EFT uses touch and this is just another way to use one of our senses to process trauma, memories and reprogram our nervous system. It helps me so I share it with you but if it doesn't sound good to you or it's not your thing I understand.

I've also found practices intended to specifically activate the ventral vagus nerve helpful. It's also called toning our vagus nerve. Physical touch and somatic practices create a feedback loop to our nervous system to enhance feeling safe and reduce feeling numb.