PD or Anxiety Disorder?

[Dodo]

So I am still trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my partner, is a mental problem, anxiety disorder and or personality disorder?  I always felt that he had a PD but I am wondering if it is a anxiety problem.  He will not go far out of his comfort zone, which is frustrating for me as I want to do do things that require going to a possible concert maybe a weekend away or going downtown for a change of scenery.  After nearly six years together we still have done none of these things, I need to do these things on my own, just like travelling, I am going to take trips on my own as he would never step foot on a plane, which I can accept but the other things are hard for me to come to terms with.I have broken up with him because of this and have just ended up back together with him because I actually love his personality and am physically attracted to him.
I have learned to accept his ways but find it hard to give up everything that I want because of his problems........any advise, maybe online therapy or whatever, I guess I shouldn't expect him to change ..... any thoughts?

[notrightinthehead]

Dodo, you have been at this point before. Maybe you are stuck. It seems to me that you don't want to be alone, and you don't want your partner to be as he is. So you want him, just better. More like you imagine him. So basically you want him and you don't want HIM.
All your questions about what he is, PD, anxiety, OCD, have nothing to do with the original problem, which is, that he disappoints you on several levels. That he cannot give you what you want in all areas of your life. Hence, you have the choice to continue speculating about his shortcomings and trying to change him, which probably is a futile task or you can accept reality as you observe and describe it.
This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to give up your interests and leisure activities. It just means that you can put your energy towards making your life better instead of wasting it on trying to change reality. 

[Dodo]

You are so right, I am just a dum ass!!  And no I don't want to be alone I'm not good at it. 

[JustKathy]

Hi Dodo,

I have a severe anxiety disorder and what you describe sounds like general anxiety and/or social anxiety. If that's the case, it will likely get worse with age. When I was younger I used to go to concerts regularly, vacation, air travel... now I don't want to do any of those things.

I can't say if your partner's condition will worsen with time, but if it's GAD or social anxiety, it won't ever go away. I was diagnosed 27 years ago and was told it was manageable but not curable. That proved to be true. As Notrightinthehead has already stated, your partner is who he is and nothing you can do will change that or make him the person you want him to be. In fact, pressing the issue will likely make his condition worse.

Where you decide to go with this relationship is your call. Just know that you can't force someone to be who they aren't, especially if their actions are the result of a medical condition. I've had friends try to "cure" me by forcing me into uncomfortable social situations, and the end result is that they aren't my friends anymore. People mean well and think they can help me, but they can't, at least not that way. The only way to help someone with anxiety (or another psychological condition) is to accept them and love them for who they already are, not who they might be.

[Dodo]

Hi JustKathy,

Thank you .... I am understanding this problem more and more, it it hard when you are with someone you love and they won't do this and they won't do that, in a committed relationship you want your partner to do these things with you and when they won't or can't it is disheartening.  I just have to do things with others or on my own which I am coming to accept and understand. I lost my husband 8 years ago and we did every little thing together, I need to understand that there are different kinds of relationships and not everyone is the same, I'm sorry your anxiety disorder can't be cured I can relate as I too had a lot of anxiety many years ago when I was younger.....

[NarcKiddo]

It is hard, but whether or not a partner has PD or anxiety there are always going to have to be compromises in a relationship. You have to decide whether you are prepared to live with his limitations. Of course it is reasonable to expect compromise on both sides, where compromise can reasonably be expected and it can take time to work out what is achievable. In my case there are many things my husband and I cannot now do together due to his morbid obesity, bad knees and general mobility issues.

I don't know if funds (or his condition) permit but one type of vacation that has proved very good for us (until Covid hit) is going on cruises. I can go on more adventurous excursions while he stays onboard and does what he fancies doing. This means I am safe, on an organised trip, so neither of us has to worry about me having to do things totally on my own.

[Dodo]

It sounds like you have been able to come to a comfortable and compatible agreement on your relationship.  I don't see a lot of comprimise in my relationship as my partner does not seem to enjoy anything, he does not like open spaces so cruising is out of the question, he does like road trips because he doesn't like driving, he will not fly, we can go out for dinners and go to movies and that's about it.  I want to be with him and feel like I should be able to live with my choice as I know if this time around doesn't work the relationship will definitely be over for good!
I know he has a anxiety disorder but I still feel he should be able to make a few small compromises too.

[moglow]

Dodo, you're not a dumbass or anything else - sounds like you're making the best of what you have. Like many of us, you may never know exactly what it is that drives him [or doesn't. as the case may be]. So many people discussed here have what we see as obvious PD traits but are never diagnosed, some are CLEARLY "some kind of" PD but again, odds of them seeking professional help and actually changing behaviors of a lifetime are minimal.


I say that to tell you, knowing "what it is" and hanging a label on it isn't of much help in the big picture. The behaviors are a big problem obviously and best you can do is find your own way of coping with them if you choose to stay in the relationship. That it's such a big change from the marriage you had previously has to be disappointing. You don't have to shut your life down because your partner finds so little joy in it. We all make compromises, as you said earlier - but if you're the one making them while your partner refuses to participate ... guess you go without him?

[Dodo]

Hi moglow
Thank you for the support and yes I have decided to go and do things without him as I am not willing to live his lifestyle the problem is we are so compatible on so many other levels.  I have dated other people, he has dated other people and we always come home to each other.  His problems have always been an issue but being without him for a year (we broke up) I knew what I was getting myself back into and found that being with him was better than being without him and he feels the same way.  The real problem is just not being able to experience adventures and experiences without him and accepting that, but also trying to get HIM to comprise too .... baby steps of course!

[xredshoesx]

you're not a bad person or a dumbass for wanting someone you love and care deeply about to enjoy the things in life that bring you joy.

both the DH and myself deal with different levels of anxiety.  his manifests with social and conflict avoidance (don't make waves don't be seen) and mine showed up as OCD.c  he is on meds now and i have been in the past when i felt like i was 'out of control'- it does make a difference.  would he be willing to at least talk to someone in the medical profession about it?

also there's nothing wrong with partners enjoying different hobbies separate from each other.  maybe in your situation the concept of radical acceptance means that you come to a compromise with yourself about his level of participation.

[Dodo]

you are right about talking to someone, but who?  So hard to find the right therapist for him as this has been going on his whole life!  He is medicated as apparently he was so hyper that he was zooming around and so anxious that an attack took him to the hospital where they put on medication. I tried to get him to go a hypnotist but he wasn't open to it.  We each went to a counsellor just once  then I went back after our break up, but honestly they have given no insight as to try and help him but have told me that it is really my problem to come to terms with his problem and do things together that he will be willing to do as a couple because if I fuss about it ... it only makes things worse !
thank you for your insight it is so helpful!