Its hard to ignore sometimes - I do my best

[p123]

Most weeks now I just completly ignore and grey rock. Let him rant on, be totally selfish, made demands and ignore him.
This week it was hard to ignore.

I'm off on holidays in a weeks time (to Florida!)

Last night I had:-
"I'm not feeling right I hope nothing happens to me when you're away"
"Oh I'll really struggle to cope with no-one to get groceries for me" (my brother lives a mile away from him)
"I'll be so lonely you'll have to phone me every day" (not a chance!)
"I'll be worried sick about you! (Eh? Worried about what - the flight or what? Doesn't make sense)

Disgusting behaviour to be honest, doing his best to spoil my holiday. It won't because I've had it before and, to be honest, I don't care. If he does get ill or passes away when I'm on holidays then so be it. Thinking being you can't stop living life "just in case".

Alas, thats Dad motto for life "just in case" and "to be on the safe side". Hes lived his life doing NOTHING. Dead end job, never moved from his home town. Sorry not for me. He hates the way I am and always tries to get me to be like him. Not happening.

And hes even tried to use it wangle another visit -"but you'll HAVE to come the weekend now because I won't see you".
Getting really sick of all these "you'll HAVE to", "You'll have to make an effort", and "You're family will HAVE to understand".
Like I've always said, gonna remember a lot of his selfish acts when hes gone which really saddens me.

I know hes a narc and hes never going to change. Ruining my holiday is just his way of getting what he wants.
Any advice other than work on myself to ignore it all?

[Boat Babe]

I think your last sentence tells you what you need to know p123. Enjoy your holiday!

[nanotech]

You're going on holiday! Yeah! Your dad knows he can't stop you so he ramps it up with pressing the guilt button. He can't control it so he's trying to sour it for you.
If he starts on about it like this while on the phone, you have a choice on whether
to continue that call. If you start closing down calls when they become toxic, eventually (takes several goes)  he will learn that his bad behaviour is no longer reinforced. He'll  start to amend it.. He will  have to tone it down. We actually have all the power.  He might get  more histrionic  at first, but then like my dad he will start realising that you're just not going to accept it any more.   Have an amazing holiday in Florida!
PS - Watch the new drama on tv if you get a chance. 'Marriage'  No spoilers -as they  show elderly dad's PD behaviour straight away. Wow
Excellent drama with Sean Bean.
Pretty relevant.
I've watched two episodes- it's shown on a Monday night in the UK.
I can't find a way to watch it back to back and I don't think we can- best thing on  right now in my opinion. Relevant for us too.
Have  a great time away!
Grey rock Grey rock....politely but firmly . end call then do something for you immediately after call.

[Sneezy]

One thing that helps me is to put myself in my elderly mom's position and think about how I would react.  So, p123, if you were older and one of your adult children was getting ready to go on a holiday, how would you feel and act?  I suspect you'd be happy that your child was able to get away for a bit.  You'd want them to relax and have fun.  The last thing you'd want to do is put a damper on their vacation.  Even if you were at a point in your life where it was difficult for you to travel, you'd want your child to be able to travel and enjoy the world, right?

For me, when I imagine myself as the elderly parent, it makes me realize how disordered my covert NPD mom's thinking is.  It puts things in perspective and makes me realize that her behavior is not typical and I need to ignore it (as best I can) and not let it get to me.

[wisingup]

p123 - I'm not sure you're ready for this yet, but I might say something like "Dad, your negativity is ruining my excitement about my upcoming trip, so unless you can reign it in, I'll talk to you once I'm back."  You can't control what he says, but you can control how often you show up to listen to it.

[lkdrymom]

p123 - I'm not sure you're ready for this yet, but I might say something like "Dad, your negativity is ruining my excitement about my upcoming trip, so unless you can reign it in, I'll talk to you once I'm back."  You can't control what he says, but you can control how often you show up to listen to it.

Good advice.

When I would take my annual cruise my father would ask who I got to 'take care of him' while I was gone.  No one.   If he felt he needed someone he needed to find them, not me.  It is all about them and it will never change.  You just have to decide it you still care or not.  I didn't.   I had a lifetime of my father casting me aside when a better offer came along.  SO I felt very little guilt when he thought I was casting him aside.

[nanotech]

p123 - I'm not sure you're ready for this yet, but I might say something like "Dad, your negativity is ruining my excitement about my upcoming trip, so unless you can reign it in, I'll talk to you once I'm back."  You can't control what he says, but you can control how often you show up to listen to it.

[nanotech]

p123 - I'm not sure you're ready for this yet, but I might say something like "Dad, your negativity is ruining my excitement about my upcoming trip, so unless you can reign it in, I'll talk to you once I'm back."  You can't control what he says, but you can control how often you show up to listen to it.

Good advice.

When I would take my annual cruise my father would ask who I got to 'take care of him' while I was gone.  No one.   If he felt he needed someone he needed to find them, not me.  It is all about them and it will never change.  You just have to decide it you still care or not.  I didn't.   I had a lifetime of my father casting me aside when a better offer came along.  SO I felt very little guilt when he thought I was casting him aside.

Absolutely, re the casting aside when a better offer came along. He actually still does it, though his opportunities are less.
He also wonders why his adult grandchildren ( my kids) don't have or want much of a relationship with him.

[nanotech]

'Marriage' is on BBC1 on a Sunday not a Monday,  and you can binge watch it!
I'm wondering if there's ever been a thread on here about Film/ TV containing  PD characters and families?

[wisingup]

Let's start one!  I can think of so many off the top of my head.  Actually, I bet a high proportion of film/ tv characters are portrayed with narcissistic traits, as the need to create drama and awkward situations to keep the action moving.

[moglow]

"Moderator" FYI: In the Resources tab up top, there's a list with story synopsis. Any related discussion of movies, books, songs, etc re: PD characters can usually be held in the Cafe. Start "diagnosing" public figures and it'll probably be removed quick sharp. 

[wisingup]

Thanks Moglow!

[moglow]

I might say something like "Dad, your negativity is ruining my excitement about my upcoming trip, so unless you can reign it in, I'll talk to you once I'm back."  You can't control what he says, but you can control how often you show up to listen to it.

I'm not sure if I'd share how it made me feel - with mine that'd be a new arguing point she could beat me over the head with, how I'm somehow [again] lacking for feeling that way, I owe her etc. I went with path of least resistance and just excused myself from those conversations altogether. The less ammunition I provide, the harder it was for her to hit this target.

We absolutely have to learn how to limit those senseless "discussions" as best we can - I did it by backing off information in general. I was very limited contact with her for a number of years, and simply stopped sharing details of my life with her. Back when I *did* tell her of travel, unavailability, etc I got a shitstorm of complaints and what ifs and meltdowns that I couldn't have helped if I were "available" anyway. Kind of like yours, P123, it was somehow assumed that I was responsible for her even when there were plenty of other options more readily available.