Hello and Thank you

[findingmypath]

I've read this forum for years, and posted a few times, but never posted here, so here goes.
I've been married 13 years to a PD, together about 20 years.   It's been a tough tough road to walk.  I realized very early on that there was something not right, and lots and lots of friends and family told me there were "red flags", but I thought I would be able to manage them.   But things have only gotten much worse.   5 years ago we moved countries, and my H is also getting older (65) and he has gotten much worse in the 5 years.   I used to read the posts on "committed to working on it", but lately have been thinking that I may be ending my years and willingness to keep working on it.  Living years of GR and MC gets old - I check my emotions before saying anything - if I appear too happy or excited because something great happened at work, for example, I'm sure to have it taken away by H.   The same with anything bad or sad that happens to me - H quickly does something to get the attention back to him.   It's been exhausting and depressing.   I live with constant tension, because even if there are no problems, H will create a drama.   

I also feel totally stuck.   I'm unhappy, but I'm not making any steps to getting myself out of this situation.   I don't really recognize myself.   When I look at my situation from the outside, I can't believe I let myself be treated like this.   I can't believe I don't stand up for myself or for what I want.  Before I met him, I was independent and confident.  I was adventurous and not afraid of trying things.   Now every tiny action I take gets criticized, manipulated, and beaten down by my H.

But I'm glad for all of your stories and your comments on your daily life.  There are so many people's stories on this forum that I can relate to so well.   I appreciate everyone who shares their daily trials with a PD relationship, and how they feel and how they cope.   It's made me feel much less alone.

[Jpmom3575]

I wish I had some great words of wisdom to offer you. Unfortunately, I am walking right alongside you, realizing I just don't want to work on this any longer. Life is meant to LIVED and relationships may be work but they are balanced and life enhancing....we aren't meant to just ENDURE and EXIST.

I am sending virtual hugs and support to you. Here cheering us all on🤗

[Starboard Song]

I appreciate everyone who shares their daily trials with a PD relationship, and how they feel and how they cope.   It's made me feel much less alone.

You are not alone. And you are not foolish. Getting wrapped into these relationships is what happens: PDs are sufficiently rare to be misunderstood, and we just don't see them coming.

We are glad you are here to learn alongside us. I hope you'll start to think about what you can do to improve your condition. I use that phrase with care. If you make a couple new friends, or develop some independent hobbies, that improves your condition. If you establish even just a couple of critical boundaries that curtail the worst of his behaviors, that improves your condition. There are many pathways ahead to explore: the past is gone. So don't focus on it.

Thank you for being part of the community.

[blew]

Another fellow traveler here.  I never saw it coming, either.  On the occasion that I talk to a young person about their future, family and marriage I always hint that you should be VERY careful.  In particular, I would urge people to avoid anyone who has had emotional or physical abuse in their past.  I know that sounds incredibly harsh and unfeeling, but the long term effects of that abuse is something that the partner will deal with FOREVER.  There is no "fixing it."

So, yea, I feel your pain.  I don't post much either.  Often, I even write post and then delete and move on, aware that it's essentially pointless...

Good luck to you!

[Boat Babe]

Another fellow traveler here.  I never saw it coming, either.  On the occasion that I talk to a young person about their future, family and marriage I always hint that you should be VERY careful.  In particular, I would urge people to avoid anyone who has had emotional or physical abuse in their past.  I know that sounds incredibly harsh and unfeeling, but the long term effects of that abuse is something that the partner will deal with FOREVER.  There is no "fixing it."

So, yea, I feel your pain.  I don't post much either.  Often, I even write post and then delete and move on, aware that it's essentially pointless...

Good luck to you!

That does sound harsh to me but I do understand where you're coming from.   I know lots of people in who grew up with Adverse Childhood Experiences but who are definitely not people with PDs. They do struggle though and I get that not everyone wants to have a struggling partner. However, as long as there is no abuse, I wouldn't personally want to miss out on growing alongside the right person. A very personal choice to be sure.

[blew]

The problem is that the emotional abuse is very, very hard to discern, particularly when people are in that state we call "love."  Many people will simply not talk about it at all.  Others may hint or kid about it, but mostly it goes unsaid.  If the abused partner does talk about it, wait for a lifetime of the same.  No, it's not worth your own mental health on any level.  We only go 'round once.  Don't do it with someone who will never get over the abuse.  It only makes that abuse move on to another generation.

[Fae Greenwood]

I've read this forum for years, and posted a few times, but never posted here, so here goes.
I've been married 13 years to a PD, together about 20 years.   It's been a tough tough road to walk.  I realized very early on that there was something not right, and lots and lots of friends and family told me there were "red flags", but I thought I would be able to manage them.   But things have only gotten much worse.   5 years ago we moved countries, and my H is also getting older (65) and he has gotten much worse in the 5 years.   I used to read the posts on "committed to working on it", but lately have been thinking that I may be ending my years and willingness to keep working on it.  Living years of GR and MC gets old - I check my emotions before saying anything - if I appear too happy or excited because something great happened at work, for example, I'm sure to have it taken away by H.   The same with anything bad or sad that happens to me - H quickly does something to get the attention back to him.   It's been exhausting and depressing.   I live with constant tension, because even if there are no problems, H will create a drama.   

I also feel totally stuck.   I'm unhappy, but I'm not making any steps to getting myself out of this situation.   I don't really recognize myself.   When I look at my situation from the outside, I can't believe I let myself be treated like this.   I can't believe I don't stand up for myself or for what I want.  Before I met him, I was independent and confident.  I was adventurous and not afraid of trying things.   Now every tiny action I take gets criticized, manipulated, and beaten down by my H.

But I'm glad for all of your stories and your comments on your daily life.  There are so many people's stories on this forum that I can relate to so well.   I appreciate everyone who shares their daily trials with a PD relationship, and how they feel and how they cope.   It's made me feel much less alone.

Like you, I too am married to a PD who is getting older. I don't want to spend what years I have left caretaking him emotionally and physically.  I too felt I belonged in "committed to working on it" but that's done.

I have joined some special-interest groups, two of which have seminars and retreats that I must attend with uNPDh. Those and the regular meetings have saved my sanity. Whatever you do, please remember the 51% rule, that you save 51% of your energy to care for yourself. A PD will suck you dry like a spider with a fly.