If it walks like a duck...

[thelittlewitch]

Hello all!  I am so happy to have found this website and forum.  I had been in a relationship off and on for almost 9 years.  I broke it off 4 times.  This time I have actually moved cross country.  What I really struggle with is actually knowing the I have been dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.  I know going to a therapist won't be helpful in terms of confirmation as they can't actually diagnose someone they haven't seen.  I would really appreciate some insight and dialogue from those who have been in this situation..

Having said this, I recognize that my even being here and asking this question is an indication that "he walks like a duck"  and I my intuition is correct. 

Thank you all in advance.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Welcome. While a therapist may not be able to diagnose someone they haven't seen, what matters to the therapist (and you! And this board!) is the effect of the relationship on you and your life in the present. I have found therapy indispensable in my healing journey.

On again-off again for 9 years sounds exhausting. If you are looking around the website, the "Top 100 Traits," section might give you some of the insight you're looking for. Perhaps Push-Pull describes your relationship. https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/push-pull

You say you've moved across the country. Are you also No Contact with your now-ex?

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I didn't know about personality disorders for many years until I was referred to a psychiatrist as I wasn't coping well. He was the first person to mention BPD. After that I researched more and educated myself about BPD. I also joined mental health carers support groups.

Going to mental health support groups have become a regular part of my life now. I realised that I needed continued support.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

The more we learn about PDs the better we are able to cope and understand what we have been living with.

Observe, don't absorb.

I learnt not to get on my sister's emotional rollercoaster with her and to always stay calm.

I learnt that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. I can only change and control my own.

I now call my uBPD/NPD sister my abuser. That has redefined our relationship. Abusers are all about power and control.

Keep calm. Stay safe. Stay strong. Keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

...what matters to the therapist (and you! And this board!) is the effect of the relationship on you and your life in the present.

This is spot on. A personality is not like an infectious disease, where you can do a test and confirm with a sad nod that "I'm sorry, ma'am: it's BPD." The diagnosis really is just that when someone displays TOO MANY of the behaviors, TOO OFTEN, in ways that are TOO SEVERE, we say it is pathological.

What matters is not whether he "has it," but whether it is true that you did your level best and now know that he reliably makes your life worse in total. And yeah, you are here, and probably have looked in the Toolbox, and maybe the Top 100 Traits, and you have a good idea of the type of person you are dealing with. That's enough.

Welcome to these boards. I wish you so much strength.

[NarcKiddo]

I can only echo what the others have said.

I don't know if my uNPD mother would be diagnosed as an "official" narc. My therapist agrees she displays such tendencies and is pretty sure there is something very amiss with her. Beyond that, our priority is my welfare, since that is what I am consulting my therapist for.

That said, it has been hugely helpful (and eye-opening) for me to discover that other people have had to cope with very similar problems and behavioural traits. At least I know I'm not living in some weird parallel universe and have made up all these things. Which it sometimes feels like because her behaviour and my life-experiences are utterly bizarre.

Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will find help and support here and in the rest of the website.

[thelittlewitch]

Thank you all so much for your kind responses.  I have spent some time these last several days doing a lot of research that has more than satisfied my uncertainty that I was dealing with a narcissist.  I would venture a pretty strong guess that he is aware of it.  He kept a bookshelf with books on sociopathy, body language, mirroring, and a lot of other books on neuroscience.  Doing this has given me some peace.  I really am grateful for this website and for your words of support.