The toxic pattern... N mother, X Hub, work

[I-Remember]

Hi to anyone reading this ... I don't know where to start, so I apologize for rambling. I would say my mother has narcissistic tendencies." She was obsessed with her career during my early childhood years and it was my father who really raised me. My mother didn't have time for me. That pattern still exists today. Over the last few years, I have become the family scapegoat. Even my aunt doesn't like me. I can't figure out why because I like her and go out of my way to be friendly and nice. She's made comments that reveal she has a negative perception of me and my life, which I found surprising because I don't feel that way. My aunt is BFFs with a married couple who also mysteriously turned against me, even though I've known the husband since childhood. My mother has dinner with my aunt and this couple often and I'm never invited. Yet when I point this out, she makes excuses or denies my reality. I feel left out.

What's weird is this scapegoat dynamic even followed me to work. I started noticing I was not being given the same benefits, etc. others were. For instance, I got really sick after a surgery and asked if I could work from home temporarily (this was before COVID). I was told I would have to take one half day of sick time for every day I worked from home. Meanwhile, other employees worked remotely full-time, or I would overhear someone say "so-and-so was working from home today." 

Relationship wise, I have a history of attracting N men. After my last abusive NPD X, I am now single by choice although I miss the companionship and financially it's difficult. I also find it hard to make female friends and do better making male friends. Lately, though, even those are few.

Things have gotten worse for me family-wise since my father died. I feel lonely and isolated, but it's like, where do I start? There's so much to change about my life. Also, there are good things about my mother, it's not all bad. She is giving in some ways, and I don't think I wish to go completely "no contact."

It's hard sorting this all out and to know where to draw the line. How does one decide a person is toxic? Any advice? Thank you and happy Labor Day.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group.

how do i decide a person is toxic?  i think at this point in my recovery i am more about how i choose to respond to the toxicity.  like, it matters less about how/ what the other party is and more about how i choose to set boundaries to keep that ick from invading the peace in my life.

the group here did help me with moral support when i did have to go to HR about an abusive boss.  that may be one recourse you have.  document document document.  after going to HR it was found this boss had a pattern and multiple employees came forward.  i watched them get led out of their office (only to be replaced by someone worse but by that time i was more fully in recovery and was able to protect myself, took the bad evaluation  from the new boss for what it was as far as retaliation for speaking to a union rep  and found a better job)

what we do in response is key.

wishing you much healing on this process.  it's like an onion- as you peel the layers of hurt and grief things start to change.  for me the core was my childhood conditioning to be the one that met all my uPD mother's needs-  and that codependency grew until i got a hold of myself and my responses.

hope to see you on the boards soon!

[I-Remember]

Hi xredshoesx,
Thank you for your reply. That work event was a long time ago...I'm actually way over it (ha). I guess I included it to show the pattern of scapegoating and toxicity repeats itself in one's life. You know? It's like, my N mother neglected me in my early childhood and that formed the basis for my worldview... and maybe I'm attracting these things, I don't know. Anyway, thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.