Has your ex ever become nicer?

[Associate of Daniel]

Mine left over 6 1/2 years ago and he's just getting worse.

He's just never nice. Every email is accusatory, condescending, hate filled.

Surely by now he should be over the divorce and trying to work collaborately for the best interests of our son.

After all, he chose to leave me for his girlfriend. He was freed from the burden of the mortgage, was given a hefty cash cheque and now lives with her in an apartment, so no maintenance responsibilities. They earn stacks of money and freely spend it.

What's the problem?  Why does he continue to hate me and sabotage our son's mental health, education and relationship with me?

Why doesn't he want to be happy?

It's been 6 1/2 years. There are another 6 3/4 to go.

The thought of it is exhausting.

AOD

[coyote]

Mt ex from 12 years ago still has not gotten over it. Still bad mouths me to my kids and will do whatever she can to sabotage my current marriage.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Coyote.

I would have thought he'd be nicer and more co operative since we're preparing for court.

It makes no sense.

AOD

[findjoy81]

I've never seen him be nicer (unless he wants something from me).

And leading up to court doesn't mean anything to my ex.  In fact, we have court in 3 months, and he has decided to just stop paying child support altogether.  Seems like the court would frown on just paying zero dollars, but doesn't faze him.

When we were together, one of the reasons it took me so long to leave is that I knew I didn't want to be an adversary for him.  He is cold-hearted with people and holds grudges like none other.  A best friend since childhood slights him in some small way?  Never speaking to him again. His mom gave away a washing machine he wanted but couldn't pick up for over 2 weeks?  Ex-communicated from his life (to my knowledge she has never met my almost 6 year old son).  It's a very black and white world - I'm either for him or against him, and since I left, I'm against him.  I still hope that one day he will turn around and be ... human.  But I don't expect it any time soon.

[Whiteheron]

Mine only becomes nice when he's trying to pull one over on me, or when he's submitted something he thinks is damaging towards me- a 'smoking gun'- to the court. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Everyone.

Find Joy, I think you nailed it with your reference to black and white thinking.

My uNPD exH has split me permanently black. Even the "good" stuff I do (not just being a good parent and person, both of which I am  , but the "good" that I do by obeying his demands) is still "bad" in his eyes.

I don't expect him to change or to come fawning back to me. He won't ever hoover as that would make it look like he has been wrong about me all these years.

But will he ever just move on?  Probably not until we no longer have to communicate re ds. And even then, not until I block his access to me.

AOD

[HotCocoa]

No, my ex has never become nicer.  Just more mean.  Kid's don't matter to them, they are a weapon to be used against you.  You are not with them and now you are their mortal enemy.  Their nemesis.  Because you have seen behind the mask and know who they really are.  They need to decimate your character in case you were to say anything about them, then they can say you are just crazy.

If you don't want to deal with ex, make your own decisions, let your attorney know and never ever waver from the custody agreement that is in place.   

[athene1399]

AoD,

He's probably going to be awful to you because you are going to court. My SO's BPDxw was terrible while we were in court because in her mind he should have just signed over custody of his daughter so BPDxw didn't have to go to court. Whenever her demands aren't being met, she's awful. I think it ties into the black and white thinking. "You're not helping me out by doing what I want you to do, so you are the worst person in the world."

I almost feel like it's better if they hate you, because you know your aren't giving into them.  But that does get exhausting after a while. Every day it was some new rant about what a terrible person SO was. How he was lucky his mother was dead because she would hate him for what he was doing. And how BPDxw was going to screw him in court, so he'd better do what she wanted or she would take him for more. None of it was true. BPDxw accused SO of being a bully and a sociopath when she was bullying him (she was projecting what she was doing onto him). SO's mother hated BPDxw. If she were alive she's side with us and be glad we weren't signing custody over and were going to court instead. And all the things BPDxw said she could take from him in court, she wasn't eligible for any of it. It was all lies to scare him into doing what she wanted.

She nice to him now, but she doesn't want anything from us. She has bigger fish to fry and it's not us. So until one of us does something to make her mad, she'll be nice to us. I don't know how long it will last. I also know the slight against her can be something small, something a non woudln't even bat an eye at. Like SO could forget to respond to one of BPDxw's messages and then we'll be on her $hit list again. I think it all depends on who's feeding their supply. It sounds like you've cut off your ex's supply. He probably hates that. on the flip side, SO's been "feeding" BPDxw. When she says the world has wronged her, he empathizes and tells her he's sorry. Then she rants about whatever. He doesn't respond, but I think she likes talking about her woes. We've learned how to play her I guess. We know what she wants, and it's something we are willing to give: the sympathy. Maybe that will change one day. Sometimes we hate doing it. Especially because BPDxw is only wronged by her own stupidity. But telling her that would start WWIII. Unlike the custody thing, we are willing to do this. There's no way to predict how long it will last. I expect things will get crazy once SD graduates, since BPWxw has been living vicariously through their daughter. Once SD leaves to dorm, BM will have a hole to fill. Maybe we won't be willing to do that and things will get bad again. Who knows.

[SomethingElse]

I am sorry for your losses and for the fact that your chlidren are losing out too. It can be hard when one parent dismisses the needs of their child. I'm glad that your kids have ONE parent at least who is normal. Keep trucking. Narcissist abusers dont seem to have the same ability to change that the rest of us do?  Good luck in court. 

[Associate of Daniel]

I've been scrolling through the boards and came across this thread that I started almost 5 years ago.

Needless to say, uNPD exH hasn't changed.  It's now over 10 years since he left and STILL he can't let go...

Has anyone's pd ever let go?

AOD

[Rose1]

Not really. NC and my kids are NC but even so from mutual friends occasionally I hear the boot is still in😄. I read somewhere that this is not uncommon with long relationships, that for some reason they still see it as the cause of a lot of their problems.

Oldest d once said to him that she feels sorry for his current wife with him fixated on me.

I don't think it's fixated so much but I do think the fact that I didn't go under but did better without him rankles. I think it shows them up when we thrive as soon as they are out of the picture.

[losingmyself]

Nope.
My H is still fixated on his ex. He talks about how much he hates her, and spares no one the made up stories about how awful she was when they were married, but he seems to know where she lives all the time. She married after she left him, and had two kids who are doing well. She seems very happy, and I'm happy for her.   But he won't let it go. We've been married for almost 12 years. I'll be the next target of his ire.