Addiction

[escapingman]

I now lots of people refer to us getting addicted to the PD, this is so frightening. I had a dream last night, I just let go for one moment and shared a story with uNPDx, and it felt so good. It's almost like the brain is just asking for one interaction, just one fix, just like a junkie. Going back would feel so good, for a short while, until the abuse starts again. Exactly like an alcoholic, getting a temporary relief from getting a drink, felling great for the first glasses, then laying their in misery when the entire bottle is drunk.

This desire for this fix is still there in the background. I packed up some photos today, just looking at a few gave me the excitement in my belly, even though they were 15 years old and I only took one glance to know where to store it.

Worryingly reading about addiction, it is very likely to replace one addiction for another. I need to be aware of this and not let slip. But boy would it feel good to get one more fix of that narcissistic love bombing. I am just not prepared to take the abuse any more.

[escapingman]

Thanks user.

I am going through I quite though period mentally right now. I am missing what I thought I had but never had. It's lonely to not have an adult to share life with, talk about day to day business, but to be honest I never had that anyway. I just need to get through this pain and train my brain that it was just an illusion.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, trauma bonding is quite addictive. When they blow hot and cold and you never know what comes next and then - when you are quite miserable and ready to give up the hot comes again. And does it feel good! You feel so loved. The pain is all gone and you bath in the glow of love and the hook goes in deeper and deeper every cycle and you become more and more attached. Behavioural psychologists call it intermittend re-enforcement. It has also been used to turn spies or foreign soldiers.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This is how I experience it too, EM.  It's sooooo good that you see it!  You're really coming Out of the FOG, and when that happens, it's possible to resist those compulsions.

I had all the info I needed to know it could never end well, but I chose to hold onto a thin thread of ill-founded hope over and over.  Then that broke and I left.  That stuck for about a year but there was a compelling reason to have to be in his presence again and I folded and went back. 

This last time I gave myself a very stern talking to:  "You must NEVER go back.  You'll forget why and it will seem like a good idea and you'll want to with everything in you, just like before.  But I can see things clearly now and it's very important that you remember these words.  You must NEVER go back."

That was about 3 1/2 yrs ago and I do still listen to those words.  The "craving" doesn't come very often anymore.  When times are stressful, especially if I haven't connected enough with others and also with my own heart and soul, it's there.

If your situation is anything like mine, the "promise" of things getting worse was/is definitely connected with staying, and any promise of things getting better lay solely with leaving.  Hope (with some grief and pain) vs. quick fix with inevitable neglect and abuse to follow.

Thanks for sharing.  It's inspiring to hear your journey. 

[Boat Babe]

Totally get it and have experienced this. The only way to get through this is total abstinence and one day at a time. It really does get a lot better. I ran into my ex this summer st a festival. My overwhelming feeling was "I dodged a bullet" followed by skipping off to have fun with my friends.   Hang on em.

[escapingman]

I am feeling a bit better now, had a few days with to much thinking. But after a few of her tricks over the last days it's easier to tell the brain what she is and that she is no good for me. Thanks for all your support.