Not caring about YOUR thing

[sunshine702]

I am having a bit of moment.

I realize how pissed off  I get when they can't seem to care about MY thing but care endlessly about GC thing du jour.

One time they came out to visit and I wanted to show them a Promotional DVD of the Animal Sanctuary I was involved in. I adopted one of my dogs from there. Was working on a  project for them and had visited several times.  The founders built it from scratch.  It was really impressive!  It was 12 minutes long
She was pissed and squirmed and did not care.

Well tonight I called to talk about a news story that made national coverage.  It was a pretty surprising crime  that made  the national news-An investigative news journalist was stabbed to death outside his house.  Everyone wants to know WHY?! I know not sunshine and roses but real and is the talk of the town here.  No interest.  MY brushed off THING.

But she did tell me that they all sat down to watch a documentary about Eric Prince that GC liked.  HIS thing.  We all need to watch it. It's on You Tube.  I need to watch it too.

My thing.  Nope.
His thing.  Oh so fabulous.

Sigh this hurts. 

[easterncappy]

My mom always took really good care of her belongings, even when it was to a weird extent (like wiping down every grocery item with a Lysol wipe). My belongings were always thrown around, left in dirty places, etc. despite the fact that she'd never do this to something belonging to her, my dad, my aunt, or anyone she actually respected. Everything I was interested in, even to this day, was treated as stupid stuff for stupid people, they know "I don't really like that stuff", and/or just a phase I was going through. To them, any hobby I have is a teenage phase... even when I'm like, a married adult?

It's in the same bucket as their general tendency to talk over you and monologue over you... but of course, not people they actually respect. Or, they ignore or dismiss something you say... but find it mind-blowingly interesting when someone else says the exact same thing.

It's all intentional. They're putting you in your place.

[NarcKiddo]

Every single thing I really cared about was belittled or spoiled by my mother. Right up unto my late 40s I was still making the mistake of sharing any truly special achievement only to have it ruined. In later life, when she hasn't been able to be overtly rude, like calling the artwork I was proud of as a kid "daubs", she has become the master of damning by faint praise, or asking really tiresome questions that give a pretence of showing interest but are really designed to make you feel you are a fool for even thinking of doing this thing.

It sucks absolutely royally and has always irked me. The only way to stop it is by simply not sharing anything that matters. Ever. And it's really hard because sometimes, when you have done something REALLY good, that you are so proud of, you just want to throw it in their face and say "SEE! I AM F***ING BRILLIANT SOMETIMES!" But they will never agree and will always rain on your parade. Always. Which is a particular shame because if you are anything like me you will have been conditioned to the fact that you are not very good at very much. You probably don't have many parades, so any achievement you are prepared to own feels like a really big deal.

Things that matter to you DO matter. So share them with someone who matters. Not them.

Hugs.

[easterncappy]

Every single thing I really cared about was belittled or spoiled by my mother. Right up unto my late 40s I was still making the mistake of sharing any truly special achievement only to have it ruined. In later life, when she hasn't been able to be overtly rude, like calling the artwork I was proud of as a kid "daubs", she has become the master of damning by faint praise, or asking really tiresome questions that give a pretence of showing interest but are really designed to make you feel you are a fool for even thinking of doing this thing.

It sucks absolutely royally and has always irked me. The only way to stop it is by simply not sharing anything that matters. Ever. And it's really hard because sometimes, when you have done something REALLY good, that you are so proud of, you just want to throw it in their face and say "SEE! I AM F***ING BRILLIANT SOMETIMES!" But they will never agree and will always rain on your parade. Always. Which is a particular shame because if you are anything like me you will have been conditioned to the fact that you are not very good at very much. You probably don't have many parades, so any achievement you are prepared to own feels like a really big deal.

Things that matter to you DO matter. So share them with someone who matters. Not them.

Hugs.

Reminds me of something.

When I was a kid, I really liked to draw. In middle school, my mom wanted me to start an art program that would pay my way through art school if I was any good at it... because nothing could ever be a hobby, it had to be a money-making machine (I've had this problem over and over with her throughout my life - crochet a hat? "What if you made 200 of them and sold them online..."). Anyway, anything I ever drew or painted got met with negs and other types of backhanded compliments. "Er... you're not done with it, are you?", "er... what's it supposed to be?", and so on, even if it was something everyone else thought was awesome, realistic, well-executed. I know that in her sick mind, this was supposed to motivate me to be even better, or something... and also make sure I never got too cocky. I was volunteered for a lot of art projects for her and her friends that I didn't want to do. Eventually, I got tired of it. Nothing I did was ever good enough, I had no free time, and it went from being a creative hobby for myself to enjoy to something that was done entirely for others.

10 years later... "it's so sad that you just gave up on art and art school, you were so good at it, I guess you just got lazy and stopped trying". No personal responsibility taken, at all.

I don't even think she remembers how dismissive and cruel she was. To her, it was just another day of living with her stupid daughter who can't do anything right. It was default Cappy's Mom to Cappy behavior, not worth her brain storing files of it. It's true that PD's assign the people in their lives certain roles. What passes as an acceptable way to treat someone in the same role as you would never be applied to someone in a higher role. This belief that certain people fill certain rolls is so ingrained in their brains that they can't fathom the idea of it ever being wrong.

"Why don't you tell me anything anymore? You're shutting me out of your life!". Gee, I don't know...

[lkdrymom]

My father could tell you all the details about the lives of the people who worked at the banks he frequented but knew nothing (because he took no interest) in my life or his grandchildren's lives.  When I would start to tell him about us I could see his eyes glaze over and he was not listening.  The best time was when we had gone to lunch and I was telling him about this fabulous opportunity my 13-year-old daughter had to go to Paris & London.  I look up and he is waving his arms in the air.  You see one of those bank employees I mentioned was walking in front of the restaurant we were at and he was trying to get her attention.

[intothewest26]

My grandma does this to a T. It's gotten worse as she's aged; she is so focused on anything my mother says, does or is interested in. She will ask my mother for advice and things, suggest that I should be more like my mother (who is very focused on toxic positivity with disregard to being present with your negative emotions.) Anything I've done or things I find interesting are not as important. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it's more overt. I don't have siblings, so I was alternately a GC and a scapegoat growing up. Now I am the family scapegoat and I can see the distinct change. I don't understand treating adults, much less children in this way.

[sunshine702]

Invalidation.  Yep

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oSB56DlWbBc

[Iris1022]

My father could tell you all the details about the lives of the people who worked at the banks he frequented but knew nothing (because he took no interest) in my life or his grandchildren's lives.  When I would start to tell him about us I could see his eyes glaze over and he was not listening.  The best time was when we had gone to lunch and I was telling him about this fabulous opportunity my 13-year-old daughter had to go to Paris & London.  I look up and he is waving his arms in the air.  You see one of those bank employees I mentioned was walking in front of the restaurant we were at and he was trying to get her attention.

Oh gosh - yes! This is my mother, through and through. Whenever I try to share things with her about my life or interests, she doesn't pay attention. She will often interrupt with some comment about something or someone that is completely unrelated.

When I was growing up (and even as a young adult), if I spoke about something that I really enjoyed or told my mom about something I had accomplished, she would respond by saying "well isn't that special," in a tone of stone cold sarcasm. She would also say things like "well aren't you smart, I guess I'm not good enough for you anymore." As an adult, I've been given feedback at work that I don't highlight my accomplishments enough, that I don't give myself enough credit. I wonder why...

Yes, completely invalidating. They like to keep us in our place, as automatons put on this earth to care for them. We are not supposed to be individual humans with interests, goals, accomplishments, etc. in their eyes. It sucks.