Throwing Food & a Wake-Up Call

[clarityneeded]

It was time for the homecoming dance so I took my son shopping. He found an outfit he was happy with and looked very handsome. He asked me if I could get him some cologne (he's 15 and hasn't had any before). I said, of course! He picked a scent he liked and we went home.

About 30 minutes after we got home, my husband had dinner ready - raviolis. I was folding laundry in the bedroom and heard to come eat.

I went to grab my plate and my husband, daughter, and son were already at the table. As I'm getting my plate ready, I hear sudden yelling that makes my heart sink; "Why would you put on f***ing cologne before sitting at the dinner table!" My son said sorry and then there was a commotion. My husband took a ravioli and threw it at him. I was a little in shock and asked what happened. He got up and said, "You better teach him manners before I do and you should not have bought him cologne!"

He then stormed off and slammed the door.

My son (15) seemed unphased by what happened. I could tell my daughter (9) was upset. I asked if she was okay. She looked at me with big eyes and asked, "Is this the way I'm going to be treated when I'm older?"

I have failed my children.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry! I am sorry you and your children have to suffer that abuse. How traumatic for your kids. Please read the Toolbox again and get help for yourself and your kids. There will be a reason why you are prepared to put up with that kind of behaviour. Work on yourself and get help to heal the wound that forces you to tolerate such abuse. Sending you a big hug.

[Boat Babe]

Dear Clarity needed, you have not failed your children but you do need to protect them. What, exactly, is in the way of you making a new, safe and recovery friendly life for yourself and them?

My uBPDm is a right royal pain in the arse but one of the reasons that I still call her and visit her is that she took the plunge when I was about six to leave her very, very violent husband.  It can't have been easy as she was a foreigner here with no family to support her, with no education or qualifications, terrible social skills and it was the sixties, so no social security, no refuges and grinding poverty.  She struggled mightily to raise me away from abuse and for that I am eternally grateful. (She's a piece of work to be fair but not fundamentally malicious - just very damaged)

Rather than telling yourself that you have failed your kids, start looking at how you can best protect them. I would always choose a calm and healthy single parent household over a two parent household where abuse is taking place.

It's hard. We understand. But it can get better but only you can achieve this. Lots of people here have escaped hideous marriages and have gone on to rebuild their lives and restore sanity and balance in their children's lives. Others have, for reasons we also understand, have endured decades of abuse.  It's up to you Clarity.

[Empie2204]

Clarity,
I am so sorry you experienced that situation. One thing is certain: when we live with a PD, we don´t have to regulate their dysregulation.
Sometimes our children see the situation more clearly than us. I believe your daughter set the direction for your future. Think about your children and stay strong.

My son (15) seemed unphased by what happened. I could tell my daughter (9) was upset. I asked if she was okay. She looked at me with big eyes and asked, "Is this the way I'm going to be treated when I'm older?"

I have failed my children.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I read your post and tears welled up in my eyes. 

Similar situations happened between my son and his father.

You have not failed your son.  You are doing the best you can each and every day.  As previous posts mentioned, read the tool box - educate yourself, and protect your children the best you can.

Looking back for me - I wish I came Out of the FOG earlier, but I didn't.  I don't blame myself, just wished it happened earlier.

I didn't see it at the time what I was experiencing was domestic abuse.  So, I sought out other supports that weren't helpful.

If I could have done one thing different - I wish I sought advice about how to parent children in a domestic abuse situation.  I just didn't know what to do, without making it worse.  So, I was quiet and stayed in the fog.  As I am writing this - I'm reflecting on the past - -  as I grew quieter in thinking I was protecting my son, I was making it worse.  I became more of a target and a less parental influence. 

I'm sure there are domestic violence hotlines?  Call and get some advice? 

Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently prior to coming Out of the FOG.  Once I was out, it all shifted - now I'm in my own place with my son.