Feeling jacked up today

[Sojourner17]

The end of August I told my mom I would not be coming to visit.  I've gotten absolute silence since then but at the same time I haven't called or texted my mom either.  For a while I would FaceTime them about once a week or every other week based on what was going on /how tired the boys were.  It usually happened on Sunday nights....right about this time.  To add to it, two of our children had birthdays this month. Nothing has come our way for them.  I just  I'm trying not to think in terms of judgement but its hurtful all the same. 

I can feel a lot of heaviness in my chest and tension in my temples and eyes. 
I'm trying to keep sitting with the uncomfortableness that exists right now.
I feel so sad and feel like I'm grieving. 

I did not do anything wrong when I told her we could not come.  I feel like I'm back where I was a couple of years ago in trying to deal with all of this. 

Now, this month has been extremely busy.  We are redoing a fence between our house and neighbors, I'm also trying to get our two eldest into school routine, and we have Rosh Hoshanna, Yom Kippur and Succot coming up that I'm starting to prepare for.  I think about that, and moms request and KNOW in my heart that I am where I'm supposed to be. With my FOC, helping with our outside projects, getting school going (with all the things that entails), planning our upcoming festivities, switching out summer clothes for cold weather clothes. Doing all the things that a wife and mother needs to do this time of the year.  All the things I would have been scrambling to do, and stressing about missing or having them belittled in some way should I have caved and gone.
And yet... here I am.  Getting some sort of I don't know what from my unpdm and dad. It feels like punishment....the silence.  And really....I'm somewhat punishing myself too.
I don't know what the next step is.  Continue to sit in this? I don't want to call right now though.  Perhaps that is ok.,. Just sit in this.   

[Andeza]

Yeah just sit in it for a bit. They're absolutely trying to punish you. That or pretending you didn't give them an answer they don't like. The silent treatment. Those who know call it the "silent treat!" Because what's not happening right now? You're not being hounded and dogged, demanded of and put upon. If they aren't talking to you, you don't have to deal with them right now. I know that's hard. I used to cajole, tease, antagonize... whatever it took to get uBPDm to drop the silent treatment. Which, given that she couldn't really keep her mouth shut, it wasn't hard to break her out of it. Some time in my teens I realized the silence was actually a nice break. So I stopped doing anything about it, and she would give up all the same. She really couldn't help herself. Being quiet was just too hard for her.

Their goal here is for you to come groveling back, apologizing and "make it right" somehow. Which would never be good enough anyway. Your efforts and energy are better spent doing those things that you can. Taking care of yourself and your family.

[easterncappy]

Not all PD's are the same, but yeah, I'd just leave it be - sounds like a silent treatment. The whole point of a silent treatment is that you come back, get on your knees, and beg and plead with them to forgive you. You get "put in your place" and they get to see you literally degrade yourself for their own pleasure. Silent treatments didn't work on me as a kid, because my N grandma dished them out regularly and they were very predictable. "Wow, she's not going to be mean to me for a couple of days! This is awesome!". Eventually, they stopped using them because I wasn't reacting to them correctly. If you don't engage, she'll probably get tired of it. She might even get confused as to why it isn't working and magically go back to acting as if nothing happened.

This part might sound rude, and I apologize in advance: You are an adult with a family of your own. Try your best to stop caring about her approval. I know it's hard, because she conditioned you to care well into adulthood, and all human beings desire positive relationships with their parents - but that ship has sailed, she's clearly got some sort of personality disorder, they never magically change to be good parents. If she doesn't come around, take that as a sign that you are free. If she does come around, you literally have as much power in this relationship as she does. You don't have to put up with abuse from her because she's your mother. Reproducing does not absolve her from the basic rules of how people should respectfully interact with each other.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks Andeeza and Easterncappy.  I never experienced prolonged silent treatment.  My mom is kind of like yours in that way Andeeza, she would go into talking (angrily I might add) fairly quickly. 

No you weren't rude Easterncappy,  you ARE right though.  I read your posts and think, wow,  this woman is doing pretty good at holding truth and drawing boundaries.  I kind of chuckled to myself as you are pretty much at your due date. You are no nonsense and seem to be in the zone.   

I'm going to just go with it and let it sit.

My parents wedding anniversary is on October 4.  Like Mother's Day it's a bit of a trigger day for me.  It was easy when I was little but those days once I hit the teen/young adult years were difficult.  I'd either forget and get it for forgetting or I'd agonize over getting a card because all of them were filled with words and poems that were not the truth that I had/was experiencing.  It felt fake and like a lie to give those.

My husband and I are also celebrating our tenth anniversary at the end of October.  I will see if I can find a friend to take the boys for a couple hours that day.  It would be nice to have some time just with him. 

That piece about going back and somehow make it right?  No can do! I didn't do anything wrong.  I think I'm going to hold the picture of mom trying to act as queen /sovereign over my life in my mind. She's not my queen to be worshipped as divine.  She's my mother and a human like me.  I'm also going to try to remind myself that by staying in silence I AM helping myself and her in a way.  If she isn't talking to me there is less likelihood that she will be abusive in other ways.  Silent treatment is still pretty abusive but I think I get what you mean by it being a treat. If she isn't saying anything she's not adding fuel to the fire or actively destroying an already tenuous relationship and in that I am allowing space for us both to have dignity.

[olivegirl]

I am currently getting the Silent Treat as well and it makes being No Contact very easy.

That said, we have been groomed to take responsibility for their feelings and soothe them.

It's been difficult for me to grasp that it is ok for my immature parents to be angry. 

Right now my irresponsible parents are having a tantrum and shunning me because I refuse to let them live with me and be their 24/7 caretaker and pay all of their bills in return for being born.

The old me would call them back and promise they could have whatever they wanted as long as they were happy, regardless of how detrimental it was to my life.

Because if I did not capitulate to their silent treatment, my parents would then go onto manufacturing real chaos in my life: interfering with my relationships behind my back by smearing me. 

As a result, I became estranged from all family cousins and other important relationships, including my only sibling, who believed my parents over me. 

I just see it for what it is:  a tantrum!

I really was committed to staying Low Contact and Medium Chill for the longest times.

But my parents were very threatened by that boundary and turned up the abuse to get me to tow the line and resume the SG/Caretaker role.

My parents have actually told me they feel more comfortable in my house when my wonderful husband is not around.

My parents just keep demanding more and more! 

So I have to take a stand and say enough is enough.  They can pout and stew all they want.  I am putting my spouse and kids and myself first for the first time ever and it feels liberating!!!

[lkdrymom]

I really love the term "Silent Treat".

[Sojourner17]

Oh man olivegirl!  I'm sorry they have chosen to act out in that way.  Yes,  it is a tantrum,  I think it was just yesterday I was watching a video, I think it was Dr Ranaji, where it was likened to a small child holding their breath until they pass out.  The thought just came to me now as I'm typing.... This type of behaviour only hurts them in the long run. 

Perhaps picturing them as tantruming 2 year olds who are holding their breath can help getting emotional distance. If they were actually two I would put them in a safe space away from others and let them tantrum away. 

I most definitely was groomed from a young age to soothe my unpdm and then rescue/come up with solutions... which never worked and only hurt me and caused anxiety.  Ugh!

[Leonor]

Hi Sojourner,

Our expectations of what mothering ought to look like are so skewed that we second-guess ourselves: "I know I can't deal with my mom right now, and I even kind of see why I shouldn't have to deal with her, but shouldn't I be able to deal with her if she were normal?"



A normal mother would call you to say, "Wow, Sojourner, I am just so impressed by how you're handling this whole life thing right now. It makes me so proud to see my little girl all grown up into this confident, amazing woman! If you need someone to sit on the bed with you and help you sort through clothes, or pass along the family recipes for the upcoming holidays, or babysit my adorable grandchildren so you and your husband can have a quiet evening together, or just call and vent about how crazy busy life is this time of year, count on me! I love you!"
.
Wouldn't that be nice? You know, that's not, like, mother-of-the-year stuff. She's not donating a kidney or anything. That's just normal mom stuff. But it seems like a dream to us because we can't even imagine that basic kindness from our own mom's.

It's ok to sit with and allow the upset. It's healing.

[Sojourner17]

Leonor, yes, it would be nice.  It would also be nice if that type of language/phone call was consistent.  I've gotten snippets of the "I'm proud of you and what you are doing" in the past but it hasn't been consistently the message.

A friend of mine has a relationship with her mom like what you described.  Her mom seems to be just lovely and kind.  My friend is greatful to have her and I see a reduction in my friends stress when her mom comes.  It's a marked reduction in stress too.  She is pretty chill but I notice that even in parenting she seems more relaxed when her mom is around. 

I'm afraid with mine it would be the exact opposite.  She held it together for a weekend but I know anything longer and she would begin to unravel and start in on my children and how they are behaving or how I'm parenting them.

I look at my friend and I'm genuinely happy for her.  We have some similarities, three kids the same age apart, husbands who are from other countries than the one we live in. Living in a community that neither of us were raised in. Her parents live 6 hours away, mine 12. But that's where it stops. 

I look at her relationship and am happy for her... and sad for me.