A little nervous.. no, a lot nervous

[losingmyself]

My sister that I told the truth about my H to is going to be here this week, and we'll go see her at my other sister's home on Saturday.  I am excited to see her, as usual, but this anxiety came over me last night about how awkward it might be. I don't know how she's going to act to H. I know that she won't compromise my situation, but I'm going to guess H will notice a chill in the air. And he's going to keep a close eye on me so I don't have the opportunity to talk privately with her. I'm just nervously imagining  scenarios in my head, then the hour long drive home...
In other news... I will be invited to a baby shower in November, it's in a city an hour away, my DD and I will go together. H said "So, when will WE be going?" I said that it's a baby shower, for women. He said "Yea, so?"
I said "You want to go to a baby shower." "Well, yeah" As in I can't trust you to go alone with DD. I might just not go, and send a gift. It's my DD's friend, so it won't be weird to be absent. Or, by then he'll be out of my life.
The other day we were walking into a cafe, and he looked at my shirt, it had words on it, as do all of my work shirts, and he said "Is that the only way you can get people to look at your tits?" Wow.
He seems to be getting more unstable and trying to be more controlling since I have pulled away. It can only be for one reason...another man. Because it can't be him, he's perfect.

[escapingman]

The further out the FOG you get and the more of the toolbox you implement the more disordered they will look. Be very careful with what kind of reactions you might get on your way home from your sister if he hasn't got the supply he needs or even suspect you told her about his abuse. For the baby shower, what would happen if you said no to him and just went with your DD? If you want to go and it would be physically safe (I am not sure if your H is violent) just go and let him rage about it.

Good luck, you are doing great!

[vanillasea]

EM said it - "The further out the FOG you get and the more of the toolbox you implement the more disordered they will look."

In my experience, once I started writing it down and seeing the cycle for what it is/was - the cycle sped up exponentially as mine tried to regain control. 

Once you are no longer knocked off balance their control starts to wane - they pick up on it.

Be prepared for sudden shifts and new tactics. It is extremely sad to me that some people are so in need of controlling that they can't see they have someone who would love them no matter who they discovered themselves to be, and help them through it.

Unfortunately, they can become quite dangerous - whether that is physically or mentally what they are willing and capable of doing.

Write down a log *secretly* if you can. Keep a planner and code the days with a color so he won't be able to see what you're tracking. IE blue for silent treatment, red for devaluing comments like the shirt... etc. You'll want this for yourself later when you question if it was really that bad... once I started doing this I was able to see the pattern emerge - thankfully I did this on paper so he wasn't able to adjust tactics like he was with my thoughts in my journal.

Also if you need to talk to your sister or someone and keep it private then utilize phone calls. Assume he can see everything and be smart. Smart phones are very good at tracking our every move!

If I would have been paying attention I would have realized he was reading my journal because he would talk about the events I had written about. I thought it was wild coincidence or some sort of sign things may get better. (LOL at myself)

And mine came anywhere he thought I might get support..  couldn't shake him.

You could go to the baby shower and I think it's hhaw I saw saying this a lot - be in observation mode. Hold your judgements and observe his behaviors....because again as EM pointed out - now that you're seeing things more clearly you may make some powerful observations for the war ahead. SOTs mindset was very helpful to me too if you've read some of his posts.

[bat123]

Hi, losing!  I can totally relate, right down to your relationship with your sister.  My uNPD husband is obsessed with my relationship with my sister.  He knows (because he's invaded my privacy) that I've confided things in her.  It's so uncomfortable for me to even talk on the phone with her when he's around, because he's so vocal about how much he dislikes her.  His behavior has become more disordered and controlling as I've continued to work on myself, get support, and try to get healthy.  He must know that he's losing his grip on me.  That being said, I'm feeling increasingly anxious and stressed as I live in this state of cognitive dissonance.  I see the futility of my situation and am having trouble facing it.  I'm struggling to make the life changes I know I should make.  In therapy, I'm learning to identify my own values, and the things I want more of in my life.  So, for example, if you want more healthy sister time, or family time, how can you honor that value in yourself?   I guess we have to learn to keep our eyes on our own values and needs, and to be authentic.  A healthy partner would be able to respect that in us.

[losingmyself]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I wish I knew what I was going to do, or what I dared do. I agree with just going, saying you're not invited and I'm going alone with DD.
Another thought came to me this morning, if I can add to this post a different question..
I was thinking about being more open to my family about how my life has been, and how H behaves behind closed doors. I know I will eventually.
My question is this....
Is it a smear campaign? I understand that the smear campaign that my H is doing and it'll get worse, I'm sure, is based on lies, and my story is truth. But if it changes the way people see him, and they distance themselves from him because of my stories, isn't that also a smear? I don't want to lower myself to his standards. I'm not going to just tell anyone who listens, it would just be my family. Other nosey people will get the standard "It just didn't work out"
What are your opinions on this?
bat123, I listen for clues for things that show he's been checking on me. He can't help himself. I keep my journal at work, I have a smaller one in my home, and it says clearly on it the if he reads it, I'm divorcing him. I wrote that a long time ago!

[escapingman]

losingmyself, it's the truth, you are telling the story to heal and protect yourself. That is not a smear campaign. I am going through the same and I decided I say what I like to whoever I like, it's my story and my life.

[losingmyself]

Thank you, EM.
Do you feel less guilty over time? It sort of feels like betrayal right now, which is how he wants it, I'm sure. He was probably counting on it.

[escapingman]

The guilt didn't start going down until I was physically separated and on no contact. I am 4 months out now and I still get guilt, but not at all as much as before. I hope it will go completely, but as soon as I hear about her victimhood I feel bad. Now I more feel sorry for her to be such a sad sole, I know her troubles but I can't help her - I tried for too many years and she only dragged me down.

[AlisonWonder]

Hi losingmyself
Your question is a very interesting one to me.  My H and I both grew up in families where one parent rubbished the other, and one did not do that.  We both ended up siding with the rubbisher, it did not occur to either of us - and still has not occurred to him - that rubbishers can be bullies not victims as they portray themselves, and silent people tend to be the reverse.

Or to put it another way, I once read that you can tell the "true" victim because they are embarrassed and try to keep things quiet.  I'm not sure what you will want to do with this idea but there it is.  I think if you try to expose a covert narc you tend to regret it as they are skilled, desperate and completely ruthless, hence the saying, get out but go quietly.

I hope things improve for you soon, I have experienced something like this and it is painful and scary 

[notrightinthehead]

I found that by keeping the silence I was enabling my abuse. By opening up and telling one trustworthy person about the abuse I felt less ashamed, it became more real to me, and it strengthened my resolve to stop enabling him.

[escapingman]

I found that by keeping the silence I was enabling my abuse. By opening up and telling one trustworthy person about the abuse I felt less ashamed, it became more real to me, and it strengthened my resolve to stop enabling him.

Silence protects the abuser and allows the abuse to continue.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I agree with notrightinthehead and escapingman - share your story - .  It makes it real and I found it helped me Out of the FOG.  It's your story - not the abusers story.  I shared how hard it was for me, what I experienced and how it made me feel.

How is your truth a smear campaign?  And, that sounds like a thought we have when we are in the fog and being trauma bonded.  Worrying about the abuser? Right?!  I get it though.  It will change people's thoughts about the PD, but that's okay. 

Sharing your story isn't trying to expose the PD/narc.  I never said to people, "he's crazy" or "he's a narcissist".  I just told my story.  I don't agree  with the thought that the "true victim is quiet" .  When you are in the fog, you are quiet.  Out of the FOG, not so much.  I really only shared my whole story to my therapist.  And, I shared this in therapy over time.  My close family (3 people) and very close trustworthy friends  (1 person) heard probably half of the story.  Other people get drips and drabs.

[escapingman]

I agree with notrightinthehead and escapingman - share your story - .  It makes it real and I found it helped me Out of the FOG.  It's your story - not the abusers story.  I shared how hard it was for me, what I experienced and how it made me feel.

How is your truth a smear campaign?  And, that sounds like a thought we have when we are in the fog and being trauma bonded.  Worrying about the abuser? Right?!  I get it though.  It will change people's thoughts about the PD, but that's okay. 

Sharing your story isn't trying to expose the PD/narc.  I never said to people, "he's crazy" or "he's a narcissist".  I just told my story.  I don't agree  with the thought that the "true victim is quiet" .  When you are in the fog, you are quiet.  Out of the FOG, not so much.  I really only shared my whole story to my therapist.  And, I shared this in therapy over time.  My close family (3 people) and very close trustworthy friends  (1 person) heard probably half of the story.  Other people get drips and drabs.

100% agree. When I have shared my story so far I have been careful and thought through what I want to share. But not out of respect for the PD but to not overshare and get into a victimhood or being blamed for not jumping earlier.

[losingmyself]

Ok, I understand. Thank you for helping me through that. My H would say to any captive audience that his ex is a whore, that he caught her kissing a guy (not true) that she was lazy, etc.
All these things are about her. Nothing about him. He tries to tell me bs stories about how bad she was, but I'm not buying it any more. He likes to tell people about the time she left the dishes in the sink until they got moldy. I am positive that this was because he told her that she NEVER does the dishes. I can just hear it. Or how she sat quietly at a concert they went to. I'm sure he said some pretty crappy things to her on the way there and her feelings were hurt.
But I am talking about my truth. Not just bad stories about things he did.
What he does is a smear campaign.

[bat123]

Losing, I truly understand the inner conflict around sharing your story.  For years I told absolutely nobody about how much I was suffering at home.  My husband made sure of it.  He would even interrogate me about my therapy appointments, telling me I could only talk about my own issues but I was to "keep his name out of it."  For years I'd feel terrible guilt if I even IMPLIED to someone that I was being mistreated at home.  But over the last few years, I've shared with my sister and my therapist.  In the short run it actually has made me feel worse, because it means I can no longer live in denial.  It becomes real when you share the story.  At this time, it's enough for me to share on a limited basis like this.  I'm a private person, and I'd really have to trust someone.  Interestingly, my husband routinely invades my privacy, and he found hundreds of pages of my writings where I flat out stated that I think he's abusive and has a personality disorder.  His response has been to accuse me of smearing him, of creating a false narrative, and of playing the victim.  Tells me I take no responsibility for my own baggage.  It's all very terrible and strange to have it all out in the open like this, yet neither of us will do the sensible thing and leave.

[losingmyself]

I'm sorry, bat. I can't imagine my H finding my writings. He would react the same way as yours. I don't even know how it's a smear if you are just writing it down for your own private reading. I would be tempted to say "You know in order for it to be smearing, I would have to actually tell someone. The purpose of this journal is privacy. No one is supposed to read it but me"  I guess the scary part of now being held accountable and having our story out there is the push to actually do something.
We have to, no matter how frightening.

[losingmyself]

I just had to relay this. The baby shower was cancelled because they just don't have time.  Anyone want to take a guess what H said when I told him??
"They cancelled it because they found out I was coming" 
I bet nobody's surprised.
I didn't tell anyone at all, even DD that he planned to come. Funny.
I had a nice visit with S, and she didn't show her annoyance to H at all, though she said it was hard.
I talked more about this in another thread.
Maybe I should have put that in the Batsh@#$ thread!

[Whoops]

I too had my husband read my journals that I was keeping to try to understand if what he was doing was abuse. I didn't realize that was common.
    I ended up with several different journals hidden in many places.  Finally we are separated and I can keep my journals on the table. But first, he kept on coming in the house without me knowing so I had to take my journals with me after we separated, till I finally changed the locks. It feels so good now to just not have to worry about what he will read and his anger if he does.