How to deal with a spouse who threatens to quit the relationship in an argument?

[harsha_nails]

Hello,

Context of my situation is here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=91944.0

In any argument, the disposition of my wife is "You need to fix your mistakes/traits". It is never a 50/50 responsibility. She always threatens to walk out of our marriage and I feel scared for our family. I want to save this marriage but I don't want to enable this eggshell behaviour on my part the rest of the way. How do I respond to her threats of leaving a committed relationship in any argument?
Should I call her bluff? I read from the resources that it is called "testing" - but not sure how I should respond.

[1footouttadefog]

I would sit down with her in a less confrontational moment and have a talk.  Let her know that a couple needs to be able to talk and work things out without attacking each other and that threats to the relationship are not acceptable.  Own your own negative be behaviors and poor coping mechanisms at that moment and commit to working harder on communicating in a neutral non attaching or biased fashion but recap that threats of leaving m are not acceptable, and do not contribute to bettering the relationship. 

[notrightinthehead]

And when you have done what 1foot suggested, next time she threatens use medium chill. Say you would be sorry to see her go but she is of course an adult and not your prisoner and she is free to leave, if that is what she really wants. Then go on with your tasks.

[escapingman]

My STBX always used to threaten  to leave and with divorce. When I called her bluff and filed for divorce in the end she was begging me to give her another chance. It is very likely your wife has no interest in leaving you, but as long as she knows you will fight for her to stay she use it as a control mechanism.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

It sounds like a tatic to me - to cause chaos and then she feels like she's in control.

If you think you could talk and she'd listen when you are getting along - try it? 

Otherwise, I'd follow the advice and use the tools - MC, GR.   If she sees no reaction when she says it, she may stop.  This might be more effective than talking.  Shrug your shoulders and walk away.  That worked for me - once I stopped defending myself or begging, his verbal insults and threats slowed down a lot. 

Remember too - as you begin to use the tools and feel stronger, the PD will amp up.  And, they do.  It won't last too long - probably for me it was a few weeks then it slowed right down.

[Leonor]

Hello!

I had to jump in here and offer my perspective, not to defend or explain your spouse's threats, but to maybe give you some insight on bpd behavior.

Full disclosure: I was dx'd with cptsd, my therapists have said I don't meet the criteria for a bpd dx, but part of my cptsd is very bpd reactive when I'm triggered. And I threaten to leave my marriage when my dh and I argue.

Here's the thing: it's not a threat. I don't say it to get what I want or hope that dh will change or try to win the argument.

I say it because I am triggered into a full state of wordless panic by any real discord with dh. And that discord is usually he and I being triggered at the same time. If he's triggered and I'm ok, I can support him through it and give him lots of space and quiet. If I'm triggered and he's ok, he gives me special attention and hugs. But if we're both triggered, there's usually fireworks.

Now, in that moment, I am desperate for connection and safety. I feel emotionally like I'm dying. And dh is desperate to keep his head above water. So he's backpedaling and I feel like I'm drowning. We are both, oh, I would say I am 6 years old and he's about 11 in that moment. Imagine a frightened 6 year old trying to cling to a standoffish preteen!

But if course, there's no wise voice in my head at that moment to say, gee, you're both upset. Why not take a break or a walk or a nap and talk again when things are calm? Instead I hear a tornado whirling in my head, "It's happening again, it's happening again!"

My parents married 5 times between the two of them. I've been married longer to dh than they were to any of their spouses. So I'm assuming "I feel awful, he doesn't love me, this is when people get divorced, maybe this is emotional abuse and we should divorce."

It's miserable. And it's tough to avoid, because the cptsd also makes me hyper attentive to emotional vibes. By the time an argument breaks out, I'm already tormenting myself that the relationship is over, he doesn't love me, blah blah blah.

Eventually I come out the other side. I cry through whatever flashback I'm having and apologize, or he makes me laugh and gives me a hug, or we fall asleep from exhaustion. But it is a long tough time to get there.

Now, there's no reason to put up with her venting her upset on you. She can feel hurt or frustrated or irritable, but her feelings are her responsibility and, as an adult, she needs to express her concerns to you respectfully. If you really want to stay with this woman, I wouldn't suggest grey rock or calling her bluff or walking away. She'll take it as being right - you are unloving and will abandon her. She's protecting herself by leaving you first.

What you can do is say, "I hear you are really upset, and I'm willing to talk things out, but when you say you want to leave it frightens me. I don't want to end our relationship, but if you do, we should talk about it when we're feeling more calm. I'm going (on a walk, to work, to see a friend, etc.) but I will come back in an hour or so and we can talk more then, ok?" This way, you are saying that you are not going to engage and that you are going to withdraw from the argument, but also stating that you are committed to the relationship and working things out, and that you are not abandoning her.

She may ratchet it up a bit, "oh no you don't! How can you go to the store when I'm feeling like this? Why do you even bother coming back? I should have known! Blah blah blah."

You stay calm and reassuring: "I love you and I'm not leaving. But I need some time to calm down, so I'm stepping out for an hour or so and I'll come back and we'll talk then, ok?"

Then get out and do something for you: call a friend, take a walk, go on a bike ride. Go even if she's yelling or weeping. Give her a kiss on the cheek or a small hug. And leave the space.


If she threatens to harm herself, say, "That is very serious. If you are going to hurt yourself, I am going to call 911 and have them stop by for a wellness check on you while I am out. Do you plan on hurting yourself while I am gone?" I bet she'll say no, but if she says yes, call 911 and ask for a wellness check, and then leave for an hour or so. Stay true to your word.

Then, no matter what, be back in an hour or so. Say, "See? I am back. How are you feeling? Would you like to talk?"

The idea is you're not walking on eggshells. You're on solid ground, and you are being very clear about what you will and will not do without engaging the hurricane or starting up your own in reaction to hers. You are being open and honest, and true to your word.

If she is not malignant bpd, she will sense that she can depend on you. Not to coddle her or be her punching bag, but to tell you the truth. To have integrity. That is a huge relief to a borderline. It may be strange to her and she might not trust you; she may accuse you of going out to see someone else, but don't take the bait: "Actually, I went to the pharmacy for throat lozenges, see?" Bring the receipts, as the kids say.

She is raging at you, but not at you. She is literally re-living her abuse in that moment; it's like you could wave your hand in front of her eyes and she wouldn't blink. Again, that does not mean you need to or should take the emotional beating. The best thing you can do in that moment is stay in your adult self and show that you are not her abuser, you are her partner. You are an adult, and act like an adult, and you see that she is an adult and treat her like one.

I have to be very aware of my self care as a person living with cptsd. I need to get enough sleep. I need to take my meds. I need quiet time to myself, and eat right, and get outside. So if she's tired or not eating or anxious, she's more vulnerable to flashbacks, fyi!

Again, this is not to blame you or make you responsible for taking care of her or saying you should stay in this relationship or suffer for her sake. That's not helpful or healing for anyone. But if you are committed to staying, you can protect yourself in a way that will also show her that you are reliable, and that may turn the volume down a bit.

I wish you much peace!

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I would like to give you another perspective. This isn't to say that what she is doing is not wrong, or that what she is doing is healthy in any way.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with attachment theory (it's a big thing these days), but it might be something you could look into. I personally am a fearful avoidant (due to my childhood). Fearful avoidants are more likely to have BPD or those type of tendencies. In my case, like the above commenter, I have c-ptsd. That can often look like BPD too.

I have done this in arguments. When I feel unsafe in my relationship, I tend to pull away before the other person has a chance to. What this looks like in my mind is nothing like what it would look like to my SO. In my mind, I'm to blame and my SO is absolutely going to leave me over this argument. I get scared and react.

It seems like your wife absolutely needs therapy. As she is hesitant, you really should start drawing clear boundaries for yourself here. I know you really want to make this work, but you also need to consider your own happiness in the situation. Her behaviors continue, and she is not wanting help from a professional. You can't change her. You can't help her. She needs to be the one who is able to help herself. Her emotions are not your responsibility. As others have suggested, you can use the toolbox. I would also suggest that you get therapy for yourself. Being a people pleaser (this is one c-ptsd quality that I fully embody), I stay in relationships WAY too long. i take on the emotions of the the other person in the relationship, and I put their needs above my own. This is something you should think about when evaluating your situation. Do you people please? Where does this come from?

There is a great book by Pete Walker called  Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. There are certainly some sections in there that may be beneficial for you to take a look at. It helped me a lot in understanding myself. There is really no way to change her behavior towards you. You can start to heal yourself instead. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[lkdrymom]

My ex-husband's wife used to do this to him.  At least once a year if they argued she insist they needed to 'separate'.  Of course, he would tell he no, that they would try harder to work on the marriage.  This happen for several years.  The last time she said it he had finally realized there was nothing left in the marriage and told her he would prefer a divorce. She was shocked.  He told me this story and couldn't understand why this came as such a shock to her.  I told her he had called her bluff and she wasn't prepared for that reaction.  He was completely clueless that she had been bluffing all along and only did this to get him to pay more attention to her.

[1footouttadefog]

Thing is regardless of why the behaviour exists or if its the result of abuse, trauma, or a partial diagnosis or not, the other party gets to decide if they want to live with it or not

My daughter had a relationship end recently over some BPD type of behaviour.  She decided she did not want to be exposed to that sort of thing.  I guess the other party will think twice before they threaten to jump out of a window in a text message again.  She does not want such drama and has the right to choose not to have it in her life. 

It was hard for her to dump him but I am glad she did. 

My pdh made threats to leave until I packed a car full of his things and handed him a big wad of cash. 

[Leonor]

 

Oh, absolutely!

It is so important to not accept responsibility or fall into caretaking roles or take on the trauma and endure the emotional abuse.

It's "peace to me, peace to you, and peace out."