Ok so Christmas.

[sunshine702]

Out of the blue on my birthday in June my Narc Mom blurted out that Maybe we should just not exchange Christmas Gifts this year..
And then implied that my brother was bad mouthing my gifts over the years .  Maybe or maybe not.  And whatever that is on him. I try to do thoughtful stuff. I like Christmas.  I sort of said Well that is a long time away and yes maybe not we will be moving about then. We will decide then. 

But then later she implies that I could get her the red shade of lipgloss I was using for her for Christmas.  I am sending some used books now. I don't re read books and she will read and like them maybe.  I would do that even in another month besides Christmas.   This sounds so FOGy but I need you guys help in what to do.  I honestly think she does not want to give me things from her store '"!because I don't deserve them". She gets to decide who deserves her fine pickings. Honestly OK whatever. 

So yeah should I buy a lipgloss and send it with the books or just go oh we are not exchanging this year as you asked.  Her Narc hoops are why I am even worrying about this at all.  I'm 50 50 in my heart.

[Cat of the Canals]

Ugh the mixed messages! If it were me, I'd ask. Better to be sure than to spend the next several months wondering whether it's happening or not.

[sunshine702]

So I just finished a Ramani video.

"Save your gifts for those that are worthy recipients".   Sigh.

Just the books.  Relationships are not transactions.  We try SO HARD to get it right and it is all passive aggressive manipulation. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ5ogsghkNM

[moglow]

I'm fairly simple - I don't necessarily see gifting as reciprocal or conditional on their response. I give from my heart because I believe the recipient might appreciate or enjoy said gift, not anticipating any return gifting. 

I think this may put the PD in a bit of a quandary, when they simply may not see those things. With mine it extends a step further, where she's not interested in others or what they may like. Her children are an extension of her, not separate individuals with their own likes and needs. Truth be told, her own sense of self is ... lacking. It's dependent upon whoever is nearest at any given point in time, and will most likely flip again when the next person enters. At that moment, she'll likely ridicule the previous person or whatever just came out of her mouth.

It may be that your mother's blurting of an uncomfortable truth [?] was all her own doing, and as is typical of someone who doesn't want to be responsible for their own stuff, she blamed your brother. You can still gift whoever and whatever you wish - if you want to send her the lipgloss, I'd do it. I'd probably do exactly as you said, send it with the books whenever you send them. What I wouldn't likely do is get into any debate or continuing discussion of Christmas gifting. She said what she said and that's fine. You still have the option to do whatever you feel is best.

[Pinkos]

Ugh. A simple thing as exchanging Christmas gifts is now unnecessarily complicaed. It's hard to know what she was trying to communicate to you. But I don't think there's anything to be gained by trying to get clarity from her - at least in my experience. I think it's best for you to decide if you want to gift her something or not regardless of what she does in response.

I personally do not like to engage in one-sided efforts. I feel like gifting is a reciprocal thing. Even if I don't get a gift in return each time, I like to know my gift is appreciated. If it's Christmas, then I expect to receive as well. I value effort, courtesy, and good manners. It's a tall order with PDs. When I was still in contact, I stopped gifting my mother after she regifted my gifts to my siblings or demonstrated in some way that my gift was not good enough. She sucked all the joy out of it for me.

[sunshine702]

I think I will give myself some time to decide.  Right now I will send the books before the move.  Those are no big deals

Half of me wants to send my ScapeGoat Brother something and not her.  The reason for the vitriol I think.  Jealous that I gave him Harry and David?   But then how do I do that with my dad who I would want to gift.  I don't know.  Maybe this year focusing on my new family - we are moving next door to my mother in law.  Her Birthday is Christmas Day and her first name is Merry of course.  So I'm yeah they DO CHRISTMAS lol

[sunshine702]

Update - so I texted my dad that I would be sending some books for mom and some tea.  I love this tea - very warming and affordable.  Thought they might want to try it. 

Texted back that it was her 75th birthday on Sunday.  So more GUILT.  Gulp. I am horrible with birthdays. I get caught up in my life.  YES I have them in my phone - I know.   Now THOSE I would be happy stopping gifting and receiving.

Sigh so I told him No don't give her the tea that was for you. Plus I know she would be furious at only getting tea.  I will add something else for her birthday.  Sigh.