Having a hard time NOT calling Mom this week

[TimetoHeal]

So, this is harder than I thought it would be.  After my mother's shenanigans last weekend, I decided not to call her at our regular time this week.  Not to punish her, but to switch up our "schedule" so she will not be expecting me to call at the same time every week, which no longer works for me.  Also, to be honest, I just need a good little break from her after what she pulled last week, and as I am realizing more and more just how very toxic to me each and every interaction with her has become.  We used to be able to have semi-pleasant GR conversations, but not anymore.  There is no safe topic, not even football.  I would honestly be thrilled to never have to speak to her again, but I have not made the decision to go completely NC with her yet.  I am hoping that with time and therapy, if I need to make that decision, I will be strong enough.

But just this one little decision right now, to not call her at 1:00 pm on Friday, is soooo incredibly hard.  She punished me last week for not being able to call and manufactured a non crisis crisis.  My gut is churning thinking, "What is she going to do this weekend if I don't call her?".  Just typing this and realizing how much FOG I feel over one simple phone call really makes it hit home how bad things are.  How did I let it get this far?  How do I get past the fear and guilt I feel right now not calling her?  Just sit with it, I guess?  Does it get easier?

[moglow]

Oversimplified, but:
You keep breathing. Put one foot in front of the other, even should you have a slight setback here and there. Find new things to do and happier ways to spend your time. Switch up your own inner scheduler.

Or just make a quick call to her and get it out of the way, refusing to be drawn into uncomfortable conversations or become a dumping ground for any ugliness.

Breaking any habit is hard, this even more so while you wonder if there are/will be repercussions. Above all, do what's best for *you*.

We're here with you.

[TimetoHeal]

Yeah, so she just texted me, "Are ya'll okay?"     Trying to decide if I should even respond to that.  God, I really miss the days before texts, honestly.  Should I respond, "No, we're all dead, actually.  I just forgot to tell you".     Just kidding, obviously, but it's tempting.

[moglow]

I get you. Sometimes [many times, truth be told] I had to just remind myself to step away from the phone. No good would be served my sarcasm, ya know? It got easier when I called because I wanted to or actually had something to say. Doing it by tote, an expectation, just made me resent it, and her, more.

Ultimately though, mine made it all too clear she wasn't that interested in me or anything I had to say. That made it easier for me to stop calling at all. I want better than that for you, for all of us.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm 3 years or so down the road, and I promise it does get easier. The first few months, I felt mean and guilty and wondered if I was in the wrong because wasn't this "punishing" my mom?

It took time to undo allllll of the FOG she conditioned me to feel when I don't give her what she wants. For some time, I was triggered anytime I heard the custom ringtone I set for her calls. Or anytime she sent a message or email asking "WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUU." Now I barely blink when I see she's calling (and I've blocked her on most chat apps). And I get back to her when it works for me.

A lot of people have a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment that leads them to NC. I had that with the phone calls. I was about 2 years into reducing the Mom Phone Call Quota, and there was a death in my husband's family. I told her flat out I wasn't up to talking for a while, and she said she "understood" but then basically told me she expected to speak "on Friday." In other words, I could have 2-3 days and then it was back to kissing Mommy Dearest's ass. ZERO empathy for my grief or my husband's. She couldn't even pretend to care about what I was going through. I was furious, and I think that was when I let go of the last shreds of guilt.

I hope your moment won't be so dramatic or painful, but don't be surprised if she does something at some point that pushes you over the edge.

[TimetoHeal]

I get you. Sometimes [many times, truth be told] I had to just remind myself to step away from the phone. No good would be served my sarcasm, ya know? It got easier when I called because I wanted to or actually had something to say. Doing it by tote, an expectation, just made me resent it, and her, more.

.

That's the thing that gets me.  The expectation.  Like I don't have a life outside of talking to her and I HAVE to call her.  Not to mention she is becoming more and more unpleasant every day. 

It took time to undo allllll of the FOG she conditioned me to feel when I don't give her what she wants. For some time, I was triggered anytime I heard the custom ringtone I set for her calls. Or anytime she sent a message or email asking "WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUU." Now I barely blink when I see she's calling (and I've blocked her on most chat apps). And I get back to her when it works for me.

Cat,
Did you tell her that you blocked her from text/chat?  I am thinking doing that would cut down on a great deal of my stress.  She almost NEVER actually calls me.  It's all text, and it DRIVES.ME.CRAZY.  I am not a big texter anyway, because it stresses me out that people can reach me any time, and so much can be misconstrued in text.  This week I actually put her on DND during the workweek, because I knew I couldn't make it through a very busy, stressful week with her texting me.  It was heavenly.  Maybe I should leave her on there.  But then how do you answer, "Didn't you get my text?" 

[olivegirl]

I was at that point, it was getting harder and harder to stay gray rock and not react.

I spoke of the weather, recipes.

Obviously uBpd mom caught on and felt annoyed by my boundaries.

Then uBpd mom would immediately reply to my hello with a "I can't talk.  Call me later."

I didn't think anything of it but it became a routine,

One day my uNpd father gets on the phone and berates me for verbally abusing my mother, accusing me of cursing her out daily!!!!!

I hear my uBpd mother in the background desperately trying to get my father off the phone.

I didn't say a word to either of them.  I have been NC for almost 3 months.

There was no safe topic.  uBpd mom just had to play the Victim so she maliciously pretends that I am the Persecutor so that my father Rescuer her. 

When they are determined to manufacture drama, sometimes the only boundary is NC.

[TimetoHeal]

@olivegirl,
I am so sorry that happened to you.  I'm sure you felt attacked and caught off guard and scared.  I know I would have.  I feel like things are coming to a head with my mother and that NC may be a necessity in the not-so-distant future.   

[moglow]

I am thinking doing that would cut down on a great deal of my stress.  She almost NEVER actually calls me.  It's all text, and it DRIVES.ME.CRAZY.  I am not a big texter anyway, because it stresses me out that people can reach me any time, and so much can be misconstrued in text.  This week I actually put her on DND during the workweek, because I knew I couldn't make it through a very busy, stressful week with her texting me.  It was heavenly.  Maybe I should leave her on there.  But then how do you answer, "Didn't you get my text?" 

This was an ongoing bone of contention with mother, and I mean years of it. Mother also rarely ever called, I was expected to call and at the "right time" no less, listen to her litany of complaints until she very abruptly cut me off and ended the call. It was made painfully clear she wasn't interested in me, my life, anything I had to say. She started calling when she knew/assumed I was at work and couldn't answer the phone, would leave blistering voicemails that sounded as if they came from an ongoing conversation where I wasn't even a participant. But it was intentional, so she could say whatever meanness she felt necessary and get no rebuttal from me. When/if I called her later she alternately denied the messages altogether or refused to answer my calls.

When texting became a thing, it was worse than md's phone calls and voicemails. She'd shoot off a barrage of random texts, ignore any responses I might make, then it became clear she was sharing them with someone else - or rather, parts of them. She'd bait me into a "discussion" and her responses to me made no sense whatsoever, completely out of context. I'd then get texts like "this latest from her" followed by texts I'd sent her. I called her on it, pointed out that whoever she'd intended the text for didn't get them. We've all been there done that, but you'd think she'd buy a clue and realize I knew what was going on. No - suddenly I was "attacking" and "bullying" her. So eventually I blocked her cell phone, told her we could talk on the phone or not at all but the texts were disruptive and senseless.

THAT created a shitstorm she stirred for the next few years. Damn near every time we talked she'd bring it up and make an issue of it. Eventually she disconnected her home phone because of supposed harassment and too many spam calls. I unblocked her cell, only for her to start up all over again with the baiting texts. Then supposedly she didn't get my responses - how? We could talk on that phone, I got her texts and mine in response all showed "delivered". That's where it still sits, her claiming that she's not received any texts from me in years. I don't know how that works other than her having blocked my texts and she doesn't know how to undo it. She's absolutely refused and made excuses for why her phone can't be the problem and she won't have it checked. She insisted it must be mine, even though my cell carrier and itemized lists showed exactly what was sent and received, date and time stamped. Thing is, her ongoing complaint had been that she liked texting because I never let her talk [!], i.e. I changed the subject to something pleasant, happy, neutral. So be it. She can spew the ugliness elsewhere.


All that to say - be careful what you ask for. Personally, I'd go with the DND until you are ready and willing to exchange a few banal texts [or not]. If you choose to call occasionally, do that. Or not. What I wouldn't suggest is feeling bound by her incessant texting. "Oh yes, I got them all. Having a busy week here, we'll talk soon." Know that if you tell her you're blocking the texts, you're handing her a weapon of sorts. You're taking control of your life, your phone, your time, and this we mustn't do.

[Cat of the Canals]

Cat,
Did you tell her that you blocked her from text/chat?  I am thinking doing that would cut down on a great deal of my stress.  She almost NEVER actually calls me.  It's all text, and it DRIVES.ME.CRAZY.  I am not a big texter anyway, because it stresses me out that people can reach me any time, and so much can be misconstrued in text.  This week I actually put her on DND during the workweek, because I knew I couldn't make it through a very busy, stressful week with her texting me.  It was heavenly.  Maybe I should leave her on there.  But then how do you answer, "Didn't you get my text?"

I didn't tell her, I just blocked her. On some messaging apps, this didn't ruffle her feathers because I rarely responded, anyway. She was in the habit, if I didn't call her back on her terms, of sending me messages on every. single. app. until I did. Google chat, Facebook messenger, etc., etc. So not getting a response didn't totally set her off.

Another method is to leave her unblocked but to stop replying to her messages. Or at the very least, stop replying immediately. (And DND would be a great way to enforce this.) I don't have her blocked on FB messenger. I decided to leave that one avenue open. But I quit replying in a timely fashion and I sometimes don't reply at all. It took a while, but she did seem to eventually get the gist that I wasn't at her beck and call anymore.

As for "Didn't you get my text?" I would either play dumb "Oh, I didn't see it until just now." or flat out tell her "I was very busy this week and had my phone turned off." The main thing is to keep YOUR behavior consistent. It will take time, and she will very likely try to get around it, but if you're firm, you can train her to STOP expecting immediate responses to calls and texts.

[olivegirl]

Time to Heal, Thank you for the kind words!

The farce def caught me by surprise.

But it was a game changer!