Letter to my mom

[Frustrated Guy]

I am an adult male. I live near my parents and narc sister (I actually work with my narc sister).

My father has Parkinson's and is declining and my NPD sister lives next door to my parents. They see and support her and her children frequently which is great, however, because of past and ongoing narcissistic abuse directed at me, my wife, and kids, I avoid family interactions with my sister. This winds up being just about every family event because they live next door to each other.

The thing is, my mom always wants and tries to get us together. I have tried to explain the situation to my mother, but as some may know, describing ongoing narcissistic abuse and its effects can be difficult. My mom insists that my Narc Sis and I need to work it out. In the past (before educating myself about NPD) I would accept that maybe I triggered my sister in some way, largely assume responsibility (or not, but she never would), and we would move on.

Once the pattern was identified (extending over 14 years) I decided I have had enough. I'm not continuing to participate. It would be easier just to go along with it to keep the peace but that's part of what has gotten me here. It's hard though. My mom does not want to exclude/trigger my Narc Sister and insists that any time we get together my narc sister needs to be included.

We have therefore pulled away, and dont see any of them. However, my mom still sends group texts inviting all of us over to dinner. It is sad really, and difficult to keep explaining to my mom the situation. I am trying to write a letter concisely letting her know how I feel without getting upset, here it is.

Mom,

I think it has been obvious I have been struggling with how best to manage my relationship with our family. I know it is challenging to discuss both for you and for me. I have been honest about where I stand, the challenges I face, and possible solutions.

We don't need to discuss the strained relationship my family has with (Narc sis). It is what it is. It has been difficult for some time and we have accepted that it simply isn't the relationship we would choose but is the relationship we have.

That said, I need to reiterate that I want to maintain a relationship with you and dad. I had met with a therapist who recommended I make that clear. This is because having a relationship with you and dad is important to me and my family, I hope that is something that is important to you as well.

This video, by a well-regarded specialist, summarizes what the professional I had met with recommended. While parts of the video are not pertinent, I hope it helps you to appreciate and understand where I am coming from.

(Dr. Ramani Video on narc siblings that explains the situation very well)

I think I understand the relationship you wish our entire family had. I wish that were so as well, but it simply is not the case. I do not believe it is in my power to change the dynamic that exists. Therefore I need to respectfully ask that you (and dad) make an effort to spend individual time with me and my family and respect the fact that I want to limit my exposure to (Narc Sis).

[Frustrated Guy]

Well, This happens to me a lot. I think it is a byproduct of Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, and invalidation. I decided not to send the letter. My logic being it will probably cause more damage than it will solve and I dont feel like dealing with the aftermath. In the past I believe my mom tries to "fix" things with my narc sister, and my sister loses her mind, shuts down, and essentially has a narcissistic collapse.

I'm happier without the drama so I will continue to avoid it, for better or worse.

[moglow]

My suggestion would be to write and keep on writing, then have periodic ceremonial burnings as and when needed. I've found it's best that I keep my therapy visits and associated discussions to myself - what others don't know can't be rubbed in my face later. I may offer third hand vids etc but my stuff? Nope. Not their circus not their monkeys [and vice versa].


Mama can fix her own stuff. I'd help her where I can and if specifically asked (to a point!), and respect when it's outside my bailiwick. Invire HER to dinner or events and she can make whatever other requests she wants - your invitation your rules.

[LemonLime]

Frustrated, please be very cautious.

My opinion is that one of the most dangerous times to be around a Narc is when "they know that you know".
Know what I mean?

If your mom tells your sib that you think sib is a Narc, all hell may break out.
And you are in a BUSINESS with your sib.   This could backfire majorly.

I have an uN sib.  I'm lucky that we are not in business together.  I'm lucky that my parents "get it" enough that they do not ask that I attend functions with my sib.   However, my parents in NO WAY are interested in knowing more about PDs or in entertaining the idea that my sib is PD.   I regret now sharing with my mom and dad the book "Walking on Eggshells" in an attempt to help them "see it".   They really didn't care for any of that information, and in fact I'm glad they are elderly enough to have seemed to forget that I shared that book with them.
My experience is that people are NOT interested in this information and in fact are very likely to somehow blame ME for being intelligent and curious enough to bring this information to the front.   They're either bored or annoyed with the topic, or they begin to see ME as the problem.

Only my hubby and my bestest friend (who is divorced from a narc) and my therapist get to hear me use the PD or narc words.

It gives me a jolt in my stomach when I think about the idea of your sib hearing somehow from your parents that you are "on" to her.
I was in business for a short time with a narc, and I had to back away very very slowly once I realized she had a PD.   I had to pretend not to be "onto" her in order to get her to sign some contracts (that I should have had signed at the beginning of our business relationship but I was so charmed by her that I didn't bother with that detail).  If I hadn't been able to "act" my way into letting her think I didn't know she was PD, I do believe she wouldn't have signed the contracts and I would have been out tens of thousands of dollars when all went to hell once I announced I was quitting the business.
Hell hath no fury like a Narc scorned.

I know you're not asking, but consider hiring a business lawyer skilled in PDs to be at the ready should things go really south in the business relationship.  They may be able to help you put some safeguards into the business so that if things go really sour you are not bankrupted or something.
Please do not underestimate these folks.  They do NOT like being abandoned or shown up.   
I honestly don't think I've ever been so frightened as I was when I finally realized who my business partner was on the inside.   It reminds me of a horror movie where the protagonist is in a house alone with someone she trusted but has just found out is a murderer.  Really, it was terrifying.

[Frustrated Guy]

Just wanted to say thanks for the responses. The cats out of the bag (it already has been) in me sharing with my parents that my sister is a Narcissist, I had that conversation with them some time ago. I didn't send the letter (or the video link). Ultimately my parents just dont want to hear it. It just makes it challenging BC I believe they just want stuff to be normal. The conclusion I have come to is that that's fine, it just won't be at my or my family's expense.

My sister definitely comes and goes in her Narc abuse. I have withdrawn to the point where it would be hard for her to find further opportunities to injure me and my family and I'm fine with that. Business-wise, I do tread lightly. Her narcissism actually tends to serve her well in her role when she is doing what she is supposed to do.

Either way thanks for allowing me to be heard and supported. (Thats more than is offered by my family which is ridiculous)

[mary_poppins]

Gosh, I sooo much get the fact that you were planning to write a letter. Writing a letter to PD family is very very tempting whether you want to explain to them how you feel or that you want to announce a boundary (LC or even NC). I actually wrote my NC letter a year ago and only these days I've edited to the point that is now one phrase. The letter thing is mostly for us, so we know we have tried to work it out with them, to behave like respectful human beings. But here's the thing-the letter won't do anything for them because they are disordered. They won't understand what they heck we're trying to say and why. Actually the letter writing thing is kind of romantic (that alludes to love). and have you ever saw your PD family member send or receive a letter? That's very sentimental and they don't do feelings or emotions. They're allergic to them.

So, if you plan on sending it, expect nothing back, no resolution. Just think that you've done your part, you have tried your best. And that's when you can finally draw the line.

I'm not sure i'll send my letter but if I do, it would be because I want to finalise the no contact, it will be for me, the letter, not for them.
They wouldn't get it, they're just too unempathetic to even have a conversation about 'ending' things. (my mother has never broken up with anyone ever so you can imagine the horror of me saying to her 'I'm leaving you for good because you're abusive towards me').

You can also write a letter about how you feel for FOO and put it somewhere to read it later on. Who knows, maybe in 2-4, 5 years, you'll have totally changed your mind about how you feel for FOO.