Telling the Darkest Secret I've Kept

[BuzzyBee]

I was sexually abused as a child, and never told anyone but my brother. My brother was soon manipulated by the abuser, and took his side. My mother was an alcoholic narc, who hated me and was already remarried. She mockingly and drunkenly asked me one night if I was being abused, and I denied it because I thought she would use it against me, or worse wouldn't believe me as my brother did.. I did not feel safe, and since my whole family was against me and I was the SG, I kept this secret knowing they would either make it worse, take the abusers side, or use it to hurt me. As a young child I carried the weight of this, into my adult life. My husband doesn't know who did this, my mom doesn't know, no one knows to this day.... Only my brother who has protected the abuser and sides with him. They vehemently deny it for their own self preservation. But why, is this surfacing after almost 20 years? Why do I want to tell the truth to my mom after all this time? Would she believe me, make herself the victim, make the whole extended family know and bring me shame? I still feel unsafe to tell the truth. I so badly want to, but what will it do to my life? I don't know why now. I'm afraid to tell my husband, I'm afraid he'll hate me or leave me, think less of me... I dont think he will, but I'm so scared it would change us forever and I just couldn't do that.... I told a guy I dated when I was younger and I think it ruined things.... my husband is not that guy, but what if it did? What would I have to gain by telling this truth, and what could I lose.... I dont want sympathy, I dont want my name tarnished, I dont even want justice because it would drag my name through the dirt in court (and yes he's still within the time-frame to be convicted thanks to laws that extend statutes for victims) but why would I relive this again and have my name permanently in court documents for any company etc pulling my records to see that..... to put my family through that.... and what if I can't prove it since it was so long ago... I feel its too late for justice. Maybe he will get it in a later life. I just wish the world saw what a true monster he is and what I survived. Would they have any compassion for me, and my troubled youth, if they knew the weight of what I've carried? How does he live with himself... how can he pretend to be a good person of faith and live a lie... I dont understand, and dont have the answers. Maybe I should talk to a professional about this (I have before but its resurfaced).... I just wish so badly someone stopped him back then... I wish I would've spoke up back then (although my life was threatened).... I wish someone could've saved me from it all..... No child deserves to have their innocence robbed from them. No adult should carry this pain. If anyone here has gone through something like this, and told their family, any advice would be appreciated. My thoughts are with anyone who experienced this kind of trauma. You are stronger than you think and are a survivor.

[sunshine702]

There is a primal need I believe in us for TRUTH. Two plus two is FOUR no matter how many decades the family and the society all agreed it was five.  It was FOUR and you know it. Saying it is powerful.

I think telling the husband is the right move.  I think he can handle it whereas the teenage boyfriend was too immature and selfish.  I think that will help you and your relationship.

I am sorry.  All the family secrets and coverups.  You bore the burden. 

Therapy helped me somewhat.  It didn't fix but it helped. 

[hhaw]

BuzzyBee:

I'm so sorry you were harmed and unprotected.  You deserved love and safety and I'm glad you have that with your husband now.

If you need to tell your truth.... that makes sense to me.  Your wounded inner child has carried that with her all this time.  Your adult self might feel strong enough to tell now.

No matter what you chooe, it's your story to tell.

Seeking support and guidance through a domestic violence agency might give you more information to base decisions.  Finding a good trauma based T will certainly provide perspecive and support.

If you do tell your story..... you control the narrative and add to what might be a trail of accusations.  Your story might end the suffering of other children, BB.

[Leonor]

Hello dear BuzzyBee,

I know it's hard right now. It's like this cold ball of pain wrapped up in a hurricane of confusion, and you're stumbling in the dark.

There is a saying that it is always darkest before dawn. It's pitch dark right now, and frightening. But you are right at the threshold of your healing journey. Because the healing starts with you standing in your truth. Just by typing out "I was sexually abused," you have taken a very courageous stand that takes many of us survivors years, or even decades, to be able to think to ourselves, let alone say or write to others.

There is no law or rule that says you have to do anything, BB. You don't have to tell anyone, you don't have to confront your family, you certainly don't have to prosecute your abuser. Your experience belongs to you. No one can make or force or push you into speaking or silence. There is no rush. There is no timer. Breathe.

You don't have to worry about brother or mom or the neighbors or the religious leader or the king of England. That's not a conversation you need to be having. You can have it when you want. You can never have it. It's up to you. If it makes you uncomfortable, or you're not sure what you will get out of it, or how people will respond, then you don't have to have that conversation. You have a right to your privacy. To safety.

If it's coming up, it's coming up to be healed. This is an opportunity. You are not going back or not getting over it or failing at life. Your healing spirit is moving you forward to explore the possibility of love and safety and total acceptance: by your husband, by a trusted trained therapist, by other survivors. As you stay in your truth, the darkness will fade and you will discover that you are not alone. There are thousands of kind-hearted people who have survived to help one another experience safety. Honesty. Gentleness. Compassion.

You aren't alone, and you do not have to do this alone. And "not alone" does not mean, "with people who have dismissed, diminished or damaged me." It means no mom, no brother. Maybe one day. Or never. But certainly not now.

Now it's time to be kind and good and gentle to you. What did little Buzzy need in that awful moment? A safe hug? A heartfelt, I love you? An apology for how cruel and grotesque grownups can be? A strong, protective, loving adult? A warm blanket? A soft cuddly toy? A favorite song or scent? To journal? To yell? To scream? To weep?

Take a room, or corner, or chair, and create the safest, favoritest place for young Buzzy. Nestle in there for a good long while, until you feel the panic pass a bit. Then allow your awareness of what you want to come up: talk to a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse? Attend a group for survivors? Ask your husband to listen to you, or read a letter from you?

I promise your husband will not think anything about you but admire how strong you are and how awful he feels to know you're in pain and how much he would like to go after the person who abused you. He will want to support you, and he will benefit from some support, too. Not from you, but from a professional counselor, perhaps, at some point.

I wish there were a magic wand to wave away the pain. The only way out of the pain is to walk through it. But you've been walking with it for so long, you may as well put it down and see what it is all about. There are rough, tough days. But there are also days in which your heart will feel as big and as light as a summer cloud.

The best news of all? You are still you. The Buzzy who got hurt is still Buzzy. She's not destroyed or lost or gone. She's there. She's been with you, helping you take step after step, this whole time.  There may be times when you don't want to sense her, or be anywhere near her. But she has not gone away; she has not abandoned you. That precious, gorgeous, dear soul is still in you, is still you.

I wish you much peace and kindness on your journey, BuzzyBee.

[TimetoHeal]

How brave you are to share, even here anonymously. 

You are so strong to even type the words. 

All of us here believe you.

Healing hugs and support to you. 

[hhaw]

Yes, absolutely.  We believe every word, BuzzyBee.

[BuzzyBee]

Thank you, every single one of you. Your words are so encouraging, this forum has helped me so much. Thank you all for your kind words, for your validation and this forum. Its been hard not having a safe person to tell this stuff to, and it was hard to type. The only people that knew was an ex and a therapist, and the one thing she told me was that I'm a survivor and I'm strong. She even said she was proud of me, for being so "together" after being torn apart. Many aren't as lucky, and anyone who has experienced this is a true survivor. I think you're right that this is healing beginning and repression won't work anymore. I do have some thinking to do about if or who I reveal this to, but I do agree my husband is the safest person I've ever known, and loves me unconditionally. Thank you all for your advice, I greatly appreciate all of you.

[hhaw]

(((BuzzyBee)))  You take all the time you need to sift through and make sense of what's there..... what needs tending to and what you're ready to put down or pick up and carry into the sun.

Looking at the realistic fallout and backlash of telling the truth is wise and good and necessary, no matter what you do. 

Knowing how the justice system in your area works, or doesn't, might give you more ideas about what you need to gain from this.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for being courageous and sharing.

It does seem like this resurfacing is providing you an opportunity to heal a little more - in your own way on your own terms.

It's natural to be worried/scared/etc... when sharing with people.  I hope you find that your husband is a safe space to share - maybe not now?  maybe later?  when you are ready

[Srcyu]

You repressed the memory because that was the best way for your brain to cope.  I spotted a tiny bit of self blame there when you said, "I wish I would have spoken up" You've reached the stage of wanting to share now instead of hiding what happened. I'm surprised your husband has accepted not being told who your abuser is, but that's just based on my own husband. The child inside you wants a voice - finally. You need the right response from whoever you decide to tell. This story is who you are.